| ← "Hypermail (Episode)" | "A Scientific Fax" | "From the Ashes" → |
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Transcript
A warning is seen onscreen: WARNING This text is slowly moving towards you to dramatically warn you of the alarming amount of "mom jokes" in this episode. Viewer discretion is advised. It is moving if you like look closely.
Opening credits roll.
Arbiter is seen on the Hypernews set.
- Arbiter: Hey-oh! Welcome back to Hypermail-
Chief jumps in front of him.
- Chief: HALO 4 MOTHAR FUCKERZ!
- Arbiter: Dammit, Chief! You said you wouldn't-
- Chief: TAHTS RITE / LOLOLOLLOL
- Arbiter: But I suppose I should've known better-
- Chief: wat nao sonies? wat nintendorks? u jellis? U SHUD B FUCKING JELLLIS OF TEH BEST GAEM EVAR MAED ON TEH BEST CONSOLE EVER MAED ON TEH WHOEL ENTIRE PLANET BITCHEZ
- Arbiter: Okay, Chief-
- Chief: adn not just halo 4 butt a whoel new trilijies / n0t 1 butt 2 new halos / wers ur halo trilijies? or ur god foar taht matter hahahahaha / lets c / AWWWW / u dont has / :( / losers / hav fun w/ ur no gaems u gaiz
- Arbiter: That's enough-
- Chief: k33p convinsign urslef u maed a g00d puchases / saem goes foar all u who still pleh on teh computer / wen r u gonna get it thru ur fucking heds? copmutars will nevar be as powerfull as console / console is way moar better then pc u retarts / thats not even mai opinions tahts just a scientific fax / console has way bettar gaems on it 2 / have fun w/ ur chip challenge and ur minesweeper fagg0ts / u gaiz r a fuckign embarresment / ur not even r33l gaemerz liek meh / im s0 fucking hardcore-
- Arbiter: Shut up! That's enough.
- Chief: Im trying 2 help th33se morons
- Arbiter: You're pissing everyone off.
- Chief: its not mai fault taht ppl cant handle teh truths / i want 2 help them c / they cannot c / i will maek them c
- Arbiter: How about you sit down before I knock you down, okay?
- Chief: o k fien / y? y tho? arbitur can u @leest tell meh y?
- Arbiter: Because you're a fucking retard and you don't have a clue what you're driveling about. We haven't got a lot of time. Can we get on with the show, please?
- Chief: [beat] ...w/e / go
Chief walks away.
- Arbiter: Before we answer some of your hypermail we'd like to give note that our friends at the Machinima Respawn army have launched a few obtainable badges in the name of the show. Their badge system being an extension of their Facebook page. Each badge and their unlock conditions are inspired by memorable events of the show.
The badges are seen onscreen. Delicious Spam: earn 10 grenade kills. Sticky Stuff: Earn 5 plasma grenade kills. Shoop Da Woop: Earn five Spartan Laser kills.
- Arbiter: Delicious Spam, Sticky Stuff and Shoop Da Woop. Collectors and completionists among you who are interested can visit TheRespawnarmy.com for more info.
- Chief: taht shit is s0 easy / i cud gets all thoes badgers in liek a minits... just using mai ass...
The Hypermail silently comes down the chute.
- Chief: blind folded / upsied downs / even while i was on fiars / and attacked by bears and rapters / while i was sl33ping / underwater / in spaes / LOL
- Arbiter: Okay, Chief.
- Chief: lets do this bitch / give meh sum
Arbiter hands Chief some mail.
- Arbiter: You may have noticed that we changed the incoming Hypermail sound effect. We had a military guy who watches the show e-mail us saying he heard the siren and thought his base was being attacked by missiles.
- Chief: LOL
- Arbiter: Seriously. Anyway we thought that really sucked hard. So there. New sound effect. No more surprise missile strikes.
- Chief: i launched a surprize missile strike on ur m0m / hahahahaha
- Arbiter: For Pete's sake. This first Hypermail is from Syphro88. "Hey, Arbiter and Chief. I have two questions for the both of you. For Arbiter: Why do you never or rarely use facial expressions? I'd like to see a :P every now and then. For Chief: What would you do if they took armor lock out of the game? Would it still be the best Halo ever? P.S. I thought Halo 2 was the best Halo ever." Well Syphro88, being a plastic figurine with a monotonous low quality voice I like to show off whatever talents I have to compensate. Such as the ability to form a proper and gramaticly correct sentance that, among our kind, it appears only I posess.
- Chief: hay i can maed a sw33t sentinses 2
- Arbiter: ...Is that a question?
- Chief: ...YES?
- Arbiter: I'm among those who believe that people who use emoticons and net shorthand unironicly in regular conversation should be shot point blank in the face. But that wouldn't have much effect on Chief with the huge gap in his head already present.
- Chief: ur m0m put her gap on mai hed LOL
- Arbiter: Unreal...Thanks for watching the show, Syphro.
- Chief: and 2 ansir ur other quest chin spyro yes r33ch wood still be teh best halo / u no y? cuz it has all teh latest and tightest graffix and gaem plays / and halo 2 is n0t teh best halo / ur opiniens is wrong / sry / halo 2 caem otu yeers ago / halo 4 is teh best halo nao / haz better opiniens liek mien k?
Chief reads a letter.
- Chief: this mails is from DJM / "Dear,Chief. I hate you and your stupid comebacks regarding others moms. Shut up! You make me want to tie you to a fucking nuclear bomb and blow it up then dump the remaining parts of you in acid. Shup the fuck up, you douche. P.S. Chief sucks hard.
- Arbiter: Hahaha.
- Chief: sry djm butt i alredy dumped mai parts in ur m0m / and u cud sae she was teh bomb last nite / and we wer tied 2gethar / ROFLLL
- Arbiter: You're a little too good at mom jokes, Chief. It's concerning. I'm sure he's just joking around, DJM.
- Chief: YEA HE WISHEZ
- Arbiter: Thanks for watching the show.
- Chief: by teh way ur mom sux hard lol
- Arbiter: Tone it down, Chief. We don't want to offend people.
- Chief: yes i does tahts teh whoel fucking point
- Arbiter: At least our audience knows better than to take you seriously... I hope. And this last one is from Jacko. "This is for the fucktard Chief. You fucking suck at Halo! And what's with your incorrect spelling in the dialogue? Do you have brain damage or something? Oh wait, no brain!" Hahaha! I'm loving these.
- Chief: wat? fuck u jacko wtf kinda naem is taht n e wae? i does hav a brain and i its wae bigger than urs so it can hold way moar intelijellense
- Arbiter: Wow... And actually Chief is much bettter at Halo than he used to be.
- Chief: thats rite bitch
- Arbiter: Not quite sure why I'm speaking in Chief's defense but there. And its all thanks to me.
- Chief: In ur dr33ms
- Arbiter: In our reality actually.
- Chief: n e ways jackoff it doesnt matter hao mai werds r sp3lld if wat im saying is rite and mai ideas is g00d / isnt taht rite arbitur?
- Arbiter: Absolutley.
- Chief: C?
- Arbiter: Key word being "if" on that bombshell I think we'll finally end this episode. Oh. And a thanks to Vancouvar's beloved Stanley cup rioters. Who have done nothing for the Conuks' true fans and thier city but cause violence and mayhem over a sport designed for everyone. Seriously without the news credits that day it looked like a fucking meteor hit the city. Evolve and join the human race would you?
- Chief: who gives a fuck abot hockey y cant they all just pleh halo?
- Arbiter: I hope you enjoyed this week's Hypermail.
- Chief: HALO 4 BITCHEZ!
- Arbiter: See you next time!
Credits roll. The end.