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Opening credits roll.

Several horror games are seen on the kitchen counter lit only by candles. Arbiter jumps onscreen.

  • Arbiter: Boo! Happy Halloween, everybody! Welcome back to the Hypernews segment of the show. That one that's not as cool as that other one. We hope all you trick or treaters have fun, stay safe and get a little more candy than razor blades. Chief, you wanna go first?

Chief is seen laying on a copy of Dead Space 2 under a washcloth.

  • Chief: [long beat] wat did u sez arbiter? / coem closer plex / cum closar
  • Arbiter: What the hell is this?
  • Chief: its mai dick cansir / :( [sad face] / i can f33ls it
  • Arbiter: Dammit, Chief. Still with this? Knock it off and get up.
  • Chief: [shaking around] aaaaaaaaahhh! / omg i has so much cansir in mai dick arbitur / aaaaaaaahhh! / everythigns going darks!
  • Arbiter: That's because the light's off. And what you're doing is outrageously offensive to anyone who has a real cancer diagnosis or a friend or relative who does. Stop it.
  • Chief: stfu arbitur u doesnt has dick cancer u could nevir underst00ds / I W00D DOES N E THINGS 2 MAED IT GOES AWAY / n e things / and i srsly m33n n e things @ all arbitur / ANY THINGS
  • Arbiter: Please excuse Chief for his radical insensitivity. His brain and his dick are very similar. Not in that they're both defective, but that niether exist.

Arbiter reads the first letter.

  • Arbiter: Our first hypermail is from Doctor Vanderhaven. "Dear Master Chief. I am Dr. Vanderhaven and I have been studying and working on curing dick cancer for ten years now and I think I have made a breakthrough! I have found, and I'm totaly serious about this, a kind of bacteria in the anus of two spices: The Elites and the Arbiters. You see, the bacteria works its way through any bodily fluids and can destroy any cancer cells not harming any tissue or other cells. Though it's very difficult to retrieve for any other kind of cancer, dick cancer can be cured through direct contact to the anus. Arby, Chief, You know what you must do." [beat] Gross dude. Also doctor, just FYI, Arbiters are niether a species or a spice. Other than that you sound legit. You did say you were completely serious after all. Well, Chief there's a cure. This sound like something you'd be willing to go through?
  • Chief: [long beat] nah its k
  • Arbiter: Okay. Not that I'd let you fuck my ass even if you had super dick cancer, let alone dick cancer at all.

Chief angrily jumps up.

  • Chief: i woodn't want 2 fuck ur gross stinky alien a$$ n e ways / AND THER'D BE NO R00M 4 MAI GIANT COCK W/ ALL TEH OTHIR 1S IN THEY'RE
  • Arbiter: Feeling better, are we?

Chief pauses then quickly lies down again.

  • Chief: o god teh dick cansir / aaaaaaaaaahhh! / :((((( [super sad face] / im gona needs even moar moniez nao u gaiz / plz sends 1 thousinds of dollerz 2 teh mastur cheef :D [happy face] foundayshun as s00n as possibly / plz save meh pl0x
  • Arbiter: Cut the shit, Chief. Nobody's sending your stupid ass any cash.

Chief sits up.

  • Chief: g0d dammit fien / thnx a lot u ungratfull asshoels / THANKS A LOTS
  • Arbiter: We appreciate your medical expertise regardless Dr. Vanderhaven. Thanks for watching the show. Your turn.

Chief looks at some mail.

  • Chief: this ones frum Christine / and thers no fucking nuedz attached / AGAIN / HAO MANY TIEMS DOES I HALF 2 TELLS U PPLS?
  • Arbiter: Just read it.
  • Chief:nfucks saeks / "Dear Arbiter and Chief. What are you dressing up as for Halloween? Please model your costumes."
  • Arbiter: I'm dressing up as an asshole.
  • Chief: and im dr3ssing up as a fagg0t
  • Arbiter: We're both wearing each other's costumes right now."
  • Chief: yep
  • Arbiter: Thanks for your Hypermail, Christine. Happy Halloween!

Arbiter reads another.

  • Arbiter: Our next Hypermail is from Shatty." I find your show hard to masturbate to..."  Sorry about that, Shatty. For future episodes we'll work on making the show more wank-friendly. Happy Halloween. Thanks for watching.
  • Chief: mebbeh if sum of th33se chix wood just send meh sum goddamn nudes alreadiez
  • Arbiter: Shut up, Chief.
  • Chief: no u / this males is from josh / "Dear Arby and Chief. This question is for both of you. What are your worst fears?"
  • Arbiter: My worst fear? Probably being locked in a room with Chief for the rest of eternity. Oh, wait.
  • Chief: mai worst f33r wood b fucking ur m0m w/ a rubber josh / omg so scareh / LOL
  • Arbiter: Thanks for your Hypermail, Josh. Happy Halloween! And this last Hypermail is from Liam. "Dear Arbiter. Have you ever wondered if Chiefs abbrasive personality and apparent homophobia may be a simple repression of his own homosexual desires?"
  • Chief:!wtf? taht doesnt maed no sense at all
  • Arbiter: I concur. It certainly doesn't make no sense.
  • Chief: c? c liam? DIPSHIT
  • Arbiter: For the same reason I don't "wonder" weather or not two plus two equals four.
  • Arbiter: There you have it. Strait from the homo's mouth.
  • Chief: hey!
  • Arbiter: That's all the time we have for this week everybody. Again please send your mail to "arbiter and chief @ G-mail .com. Happy halloween.

Credits roll. The end.