| ← "Reapers" | "Barbie 'n' the Chief" | "Massive Damage" → |
|---|
Scene 1: Morning[]
[a shot of a picture standing by a wall; a Guy Fawkes mask is shown above it, a Spider-Man costume behind it, and a Halo 3 poster in front of it]
[camera view slides down to a clock, showing that the time is 12:31]
[Arbiter sits against the oven; title card]
[shot of a shoe with a sticky note on it; close up on the note; it reads "sleeping do not disturb pls thx :)"]
[shot of Master Chief walking; suddenly, he stops, then throws the shoe; a sticky note appears from inside it]
GREG: >:(
CHIEF: problem? / just doin wat is sez on the note, bro. / LOL
[he holds the altered sticky note: the words "do not" are struck out, and a penis appeared, ejaculating on the smiley face]
CHIEF: :O { surprised face } / nothing 2 sae, skank? / im not walking 2 fucking laod or any thing? / talking 2 laod? / existing 2 much?
ARBITER: She can't hear you. She's out. Though if you're looking for input, I find that you exist a little too much. Might wanna tone that down a bit.
CHIEF: shes asl33ping??/
ARBITER: She's either 'asleep' or 'sleeping', pick one.
CHIEF: DRINK MORE
ARBITER: Losing limbs tends to somewhat dampen one's mood.
CHIEF: all thats left 2 came off of me is my glorious dong and mai fucking head
ARBITER: Oh, that's long gone.
CHIEF: u dont c me mopping around liek a littel bitch
ARBITER: That's true, I don't see a mop anywhere either. Though this floor could sure use a good going over.
CHIEF: BY THE WAYS U GO EASY ON THAT SHIT / ur luckies i didnt waeste ur alcoholic ass the last tiems u finished the bewze / u does it agen and ill stab ur eyes w/ mai cock and fuck ur skull till i nut and bath ur brains in penis puddings
ARBITER: Pleasant dreams, Chief.
CHIEF: shut up [leaves]
[Arbiter looks at his taped hand]
Scene 2: Halo[]
- Eugene: I can't believe you're only six years old and you play as well as you do. Impressive K/D.
PLAYER: Thanks. I'm alright, I guess.
[the noise section of Track 5 from the third release starts playing]
- Eugene: Have you found a pen yet?
PLAYER: Still looking, hold on.
[A player is fragged]
- Eugene: By the way, you wouldn't happen to have any chocolate ice cream, in your place, would you?
PLAYER: Uhh... I think so. Why?
TYLER: Yo Eugene, do we have any shit due for English? [barking dog is heard in the background]
- Eugene: Yeah. That 2000-word annotated research essay. Have you started yours?
TYLER: Fuck that, I'll do it later.
- Eugene: We have class in 35 minutes.
TYLER: Sick! Then there's still some time to smoke a couple balls and play some rocket race! Charlie, shut the fuck up!
[A kicking noise is heard; the dog yelps]
[Through the sniper rifle scope, Colin observes a player run behind a rock and then out of his line of sight. He shifts his aim to the rock, and fires. The bullet ricochets off the rock and snipes the player, fragging them]
TYLER: You're a good fucking shot man! how the hell do you pull off that kind of shit?
COLIN: I don't know, it's kind of like playing pool I guess. I'm just able to do the math in my head quickly and accurately enough.
- Eugene: Pity you can't do it to work out that if you keep giving in to those sick little impulses of yours much longer, chances are you'll land your ass in some piping hot water.
COLIN: Again with this? Just forget about it, it was nothing, just screwing around.
- Eugene: It was fucking creepy man, that's what it was. I realize our clan's primary objective is to take flying leaps over every line of decency we come across, but somewhere far, far along the way, we gotta draw our own, yeah? You gotta keep that shit under control.
PLAYER: 'Kay, I've got a pen. Are you sure this stuff is true?
- Eugene: Absolutely. The skull was discovered by somebody a few hours ago, the news is still pretty contained... I guarantee it will be all over the world come tomorrow morning. Then the people who don't find out until the day after will be crucified by everyone who found out beforehand for reciting old news, naturally.
PLAYER: And if you pick it up, it seriously lets you play the whole first level of Halo 4? How is that even possible?
- Eugene: Don't take my word for it, dude. Watch the how-to video and see for yourself. It's so awesome. I should mention one thing, though. The site makes you watch this two-minute long ad thing before the video that you can't skip, don't bother trying.
PLAYER: Church of... what was it?
- Eugene: Fudge. All one word.
PLAYER: Is the video quality any good or is it shitty?
- Eugene: Yeah, the video is pretty shitty, alright, but so worth it.
[The player walks away]
Scene 3: Bathroom[]
CHIEF: im sry / k? / i is sry, i rly rly m33n3d it / k? / u was alwaeyes rites all along teh whoel tiem sinse the beginning at the very start ' B4 THAT, EVEN. / i shud has doen this a long long tiemes ago. / in a far away galacksey far far far away / lol / butt its k nao / its all gonna b k nao k? / we're will be gonna be togethir foar forever nao / forevir and evir and evir and evir and has a billiens of bebbehs togethir / :D [happy face]
[Shot at the face of a Barbie doll, to whom Chief has been talking the whole time]
CHIEF [he brushes her hair]: mmmmmmmmmm / baybay / u so fine
[Shot at both from the above, revealing the opened box]
CHIEF: u so fine baybay
Scene 4: Kitchen[]
[Arbiter is seen lying on the kitchen floor with a glass and a bottle of alcohol; he gets up; hits the oven with his back]
ARBITER: Ugh. [beat] My fucking head.
[Greg suddenly drops from above, hanging on a string]
ARBITER: Aah! [he steps back, hitting the oven again] Dammit, Greg!
[Greg lands on the floor smoothly]
ARBITER: Stop doing that, it's seriously fucking terrifying.
GREG: D':
CORTANA: Good afternoon.
ARBITER: Hey. What time is it?
CORTANA: Almost four.
ARBITER: Jeez. I'm almost as bad as Jon. Actually no, I'm probably still a stretch from him yet. No need to panic.
CORTANA: ... You feeling okay?
ARBITER: Peachy.
CORTANA: Did you not hear the buzzer going off at all earlier?
ARBITER: Huh? The buzzer for the front door?
CORTANA: Yeah. A delivery guy showed up about four hours ago with a package. Chief scaled the wall with bits of duct tape on his hands and knees and buzzed him in, it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
ARBITER: He didn't open the apartment door and let the guy see him or any of us, did he?
CORTANA: No, the guy fed his paperwork through the mail slot, Chief signed it -- with what he calls a signature, anyway -- then pushed them back out. He opened the door to haul the package in, but not before the guy was out of sight.
ARBITER: 'Kay, that's a relief. The package was for Jon, right?
CORTANA: Chief said it was actually in his own name -- but far be it from me to take anything he says seriously.
ARBITER: Where is he now?
CORTANA: As soon as he got his little mitts on the package he dragged it straight into the bathroom then locked himself inside. He hasn't come out since.
ARBITER [starts walking]: Sigh. Fucking hell.
Scene 5: Before the bathroom[]
[Arbiter approaches bathroom door; knocks; half-muted "Kansas City (Winter Face Remix)" by Deenk ft. MC Kyla is heard]
ARBITER: Chief? Open the door.
CHIEF: suck my dick
ARBITER: The package you're in there having a grand old time with is either Jon's and therefore not yours to fuck with, or is in fact yours, which means you bought something on Jon's card. Either way, you and I need to have a little chin-wag.
CHIEF: u can f33l fr33 2 wag ur chin till ur hearts consent whiele ur sucking my dick / ROFL
ARBITER: I don't want an argument, I'm hung over and really not in the mood for this shit. Open the goddamn door.
CHIEF: no fuck off lmao
ARBITER: Jesus fucking Christ.
[Arbiter then goes onto Jon's desk, takes a ballpoint pen and breaks in it half; takes out the filling; Greg appears]
ARBITER: Need your help, Greg.
Scene 6: Confrontation[]
[Arbiter is seen hanging on a string before the bathroom door; he moves upwards; half-muted music is heard]
ARBITER: 'Kay, that's good.
[Arbiter then takes the pen filling and tries to open the door with it]
ARBITER: Almost got it, I think.
[Shot at Chief while the door opens; shot at Arbiter hanging; shot at Chief and Barbie doll in the sink; music plays at full volume]
ARBITER: What the fuck is this? Is this really what I'm seeing? This is actually happening?
CHIEF: sup buddy / well neo that ur in h33r u mite as well jumped in, the waters beast [Arbiter starts swinging on the string] taek a load off / i sertinly did / t00k mai bitch a while to get it out of her hairs tho lololololol
[Arbiter swings some more, finally jumps next to the sink; looks at the doll]
ARBITER: ... And what's the young lady's name?
CHIEF: bitch / take a dip bro / well how about hurrying ur bitch ass on outta h33r if ur not gonna chillax, buzzkillar?
[Arbiter comes to Chief, drags him out of the sink]
CHIEF: HAY / TAEK UR STINKING PAWS OFF ME U DAM DIRTY ALEIN!1eleven
[Arbiter then pushes Chief against the wall]
ARBITER: How many times has it been now, Chief? How many fucking times have I told you not to buy anything on Jon's card?
CHIEF: wtf dude / hao does u noes taht the doll werent jons, huh?//
ARBITER: What's Jon going to do with a chick doll, stick it up his ass?
CHIEF: maybee / probibly
[Arbiter throws him on the floor]
CHIEF: OW
ARBITER: Never again. Are we clear? Jon's cards and phone are absolutely off-limits.
CHIEF: I DUSNT HAS TO DOES WAT U SED cuz u no y arbitur??/ / CUZ UR NOT THE BOSS OF ME!1one+eleven!1shift
ARBITER: I certainly haven't been -- but I am now, and you will do what I say until you can prove that you're not in need of discipline. You obviously can't administer any on yourself. I'm so fucking fed up with this shit.
CHIEF: u mad bro?
ARBITER: Yes, I mad. And not only are you gonna start showing me more respect, but Cortana and Greg as well.
CHIEF: AHHHHAHAH r u fucking high?? / gregs the ugliest fuker in the univerce and cortanas a super sayin bitch
ARBITER: They've done nothing to deserve the manner in which you talk to them. It's really disgraceful.
CHIEF: no u
[Arbiter takes a look at the Barbie doll]
ARBITER: ... You're so pathetic. [leaves]
[Chief looks at him in silence; music increases in volume]
Scene 7: Coach[]
[Chief is seen playing Xbox with his Barbie doll]
CHIEF: ARBITURS JUST JELLY THAT I GOTS ME A SMOKIN HAWT BITCH AND HE STILL DUSNT HAS 1/ ROFLMAO hes such a looser/ WE IS SOUL MATES/ we were always soul mates foar forevir/ UR WATCHING THE SCR33NS, RITE BABE?/ k33p ur eyes on teh scr33ns babe, k?/ OR U WONT C MAI DOPE ASS SKILLZ
[Chief is seen carrying the flag]
CHIEF: OH YEH BABBY guessed who just won us the goddam gaem/ who else butt the ch33f mothir fuckers
EMMA: Well we believe that it's benificial to the clan's cause not to place any restrictions on who can join. We are accepting anybody who's willing to do so. We intend to promote clean, fair and trash talk free gaming among the community through a strength in numbers.
PLAYER: Awesome, thanks!
EMMA: You're welcome. Thank you for your interest and don't forget to register on our forums and introduce yourself.
[The orange player walks away]
- Chief: omg a girl :D { happy face }
PLAYER: Score the point! What the fuck are you doing?
[Chief jumps up and down while going to Emma]
CHIEF: o hai :3 [lion face]
EMMA: Hello, I assume you overheard my conversation, are you interested in joining our clan as well?
CHIEF: can i axe u a quest chin?/ r u rly a grill
EMMA: Erm... yes.
CHIEF: omfg / kk i just sent u a freind rekwest / acksept / DEW IT NAO / PLEASE / pretty pls w/ whipped cr33m on top / mai speshil whipped cr33m / >:D
EMMA: Erm... I'm afraid my friends list is full at the moment and it's reserved for people who I know personally or have experience playing with. No offense, I'm sure you're a nice person. I'll be happy to send you a clan invite however, feel free to join in one of our games and mingle with the other members. Take the time to register on our forums too, I'm including the link with the invitation. Take care and thanks for your interest.
[Emma walks off]
CHIEF: holy shit she totaly wants my dick / shes starved foar cock, p00r thing / LOL / godammit im awesome
[A voice announces "flag reset"]
PLAYER: Oh my god.
Scene 8: Garbage can[]
[The Barbie doll is thrown into the garbage can]
CHIEF: SORRY BABBY GRILL
[Chief looks at her from above]
CHIEF: u must has nown this wusnt gona lasted foar forevir. / i gots a new girl freind nao / and i n33d mai spases or sumthing / i cant b tyed down 2 just 1 cingel chicks, babe [shot at her] butt ill call u sumtiems, k? / i PROMIS i probibly will. [shot at him] mebbeh, i dunno. / probibly not akshilly LOLOLOLOLOL
[Chief closes the garbage can]
[Silent credits]