Da Bomb/Transcript

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Scene 1: Forge world

Viewer Discretion Warning is shown. Opening credits roll.

[Chief runs around the island spraying his assault rifle everywhere]

• Chief: lololololol / lololol / lololololol

[Arbiter is seen waiting for Chief on the other side of the island; Chief heads through the tunnel and starts shooting at him]

• Chief: UR DED BITCH / UR DED BAI BAI / BAI BAI ARBITUR

ARBITER: No!

[Chief stops shooting and comes to Arbiter]

• Chief: omg / wat is it nao?

ARBITER: Don't hose me with that if we're a thousand fucking feet apart. I told you. Burst fire.

• Chief: how am i suposed 2 kill u fastar w/ less bullits dipshit / if u is so smart how come i know that and u doesent

ARBITER: Ever notice when you hold the trigger down your reticule inflates? In your case that would be all the time.

• Chief: yes that m33ns im doing lots of damaeg

ARBITER: [beat] Not as much damage as there must be to your brain if you're being serious. How many years have you been playing Halo now? Six? Seven? That is tragic.

[Arbiter and Chief are shown in the game chair in the real world. The sound of an XBL message is heard]

• Chief: uve got mail / "trent d"? whos taht

ARBITER: Nobody.

• Chief: so nobody just sent u a mesage.

ARBITER: He's just a guy.

• Chief: yeah no shit / thats the second tiems ive herd teh naem trent / u gona tel me who the hell this guy is already? arbitur? ARBITUR U GONA TELLS ME 

ARBITER: I don't have to tell you shit, Chief.

• Chief: IF U DONT TELLS ME ILL AXE U FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER --

ARBITER: Shut up!

• Chief: wats his mesage say / lets c

ARBITER: It's a voice message.

• Chief: play it

ARBITER: No, I'll play it later.

• Chief: play it now bitch

[Chief grabs Arbiter's controller and runs off with it]

ARBITER: Hey!!

• Chief: WOLOLOLOLOL

[Arbiter jumps down from the chair and runs after Chief]

ARBITER: Give that back!

[Chief plays the message. Arbiter stops and looks up at the TV]

• Trent's message: Hey, it's Trent, what's up? Just wanted to let you know I meant what I said earlier, and was wondering if you'd like a little tour of the church or something, hang out. I know you'll probably have kinda mixed feelings but it might give you a little closure if nothing else and we can shoot the shit and maybe play a little double team afterwards or something. Hit me up.
• Chief: [beat] "church"? what the fuck?

ARBITER: It's nothing.

• Chief: him and that bitch r geting maried on r33ch arint they / i fucking knew it

ARBITER: Don't call Claire a bitch again. Weddings and funerals shouldn't be so close together.

• Chief: LOLOLOLOLOL / u sed they wasnt / u lied 2 me / liar / liar liar pants on fier / [beat] arbitur u does know wat we gots 2 do rite?

ARBITER: What?

• Chief: we gots 2 crash that weding

ARBITER: No.

• Chief: yes

ARBITER: No, Chief!

• Chief: yep / sry / 2 bad / lol

ARBITER: Chief, I'm serious.

• Chief: so am i

ARBITER: Trent's not that bad and Claire's a friend. If they want to be together they have every right to a smooth and happy service. We're not gonna interfere.

• Chief: WAKE UP DUMASS / THIS IS A BOSS OPURTUNITY 4 SUM SRS LULZ / u gots 2 get all teh lulz u can get in this wr0ld arbitur

ARBITER: Get your lulz somewhere else. The wedding's off-limits. Are we clear?

[Chief approaches Arbiter]

• Chief: wat the hell r u gona do?

ARBITER: Whatever I have to.

• Chief: HAHAHHAHAHAH / OMG arbitur ur so tough / ur so super strong / r u gona b33t my ass arbitur / cuz ur so tough and everythign

ARBITER: Like I said.

• Chief: fuck that / ur not gona do shit pussy

[Chief pushes Arbiter]

ARBITER: Don't push me, asshole!

[Arbiter pushes chief against the fridge and he falls on the ground]

• Chief: HAHAHHHAHAH / somebody mad

ARBITER: You gonna leave this alone?

• Chief: suck my dick

Arbiter stomps on Chief's crotch.

• Chief: AAAAAHH!

ARBITER: What's that? / I didn't hear you.

• Chief: GOD DAMIT / GETTING MARIED ON HALO IS ABOUT THE LAMEST THIGN IN TEH UNIVERS / ITS A LULZ GOLDMINE / ITS A LULZMIEN / I MUST HAS IT

ARBITER: Have it your way.

[Arbiter prepares to attack Chief again]

• Chief: OK WAIT WAIT / FIEN

[Chief gets up]

• Chief: on one conditioner

ARBITER: Yeah? What? Head and Shoulders?

• Chief: i gets 2 cum w/ u for this stupid tour / i gotta c this shit

ARBITER: Forget it.

• Chief: then i will does evrythign in my powers 2 bring this weding down
• ARBITER: ... If I let you come, you'll back off?
• Chief: fine

ARBITER: You can't destroy or interfere with anything or bother anybody. I mean it, Chief.

• Chief: unbelievabel / u r such a squaer dude / it acshuly maeks me :( [sad face] 4 u

ARBITER: Give me your word. [beat] Chief!!

• Chief: ok / can has

ARBITER: I've got your word?

• Chief: yes u can has my wurds / all of them

[Opening credits roll]

Scene 2: Trent's Church

[Classical music is heard playing as Arbiter and Chief walk down the path to the church]

• Chief: wow this guy has way 2 many tiems in his hand
• ARBITER: Literally all you do is play matchmaking. At least forging is productive. ... Sort of. Counter non-productive. Something like that.
• Chief: hay im arbitur / WURDS WURDS WURDS WURDS / kthxbai

[They are both shown to be carrying plasma pistols as per gametype rules]

• ARBITER: Was that your impression of me?
• Chief: yeh lol

ARBITER: [sarcastic]: It was good. Because that's what I do. Just say the word "words" over and over again to demonstrate my linguistic skill.

• Chief: thats liek spageti or sumthing rite

ARBITER: ... Wow.

• Chief: u just cant get enugh n00dles can u arbitur / lmao

[The two reach the parking lot and Cameron Jones uncloaks in front of them]

• Cameron: You two got business here? This is a restricted area.

[Cameron notices Chief]

• Cameron: Okay, I'm not sure how you of all people found this server but, you need to get the fuck out of here pronto. You got it, buddy? There's no fuckin' pets allowed.

ARBITER: You know each other?

• Cameron: We've met. That was more than enough.

ARBITER: Oh yeah, you guys played each other on Countdown. Cool.

• Cameron: Who are you?

ARBITER: I was invited by Trent. This is my friend. Though I use the term loosely.

• Chief: like ur mom

ARBITER: I'm not sure what kind of first impression he made on you... It probably wasn't very good. But I promise he won't be any trouble here. Right?

• Chief: i promis 2 b a gud boy mr security guard sir
• Cameron: What's your name, dude?

ARBITER: Arbiter.

• Cameron: Wait right there.

Cameron radios Trent.

• Cameron: Mister Donnovich, this is Commander Jones. I have an "Arbiter" here to see you with one guest.
• Trent [radio]: Cool. Who's the guest?

Cody Hammond uncloaks and walks over.

• Cameron: He says he's a friend. I should mention they think it's really hilarious to use synthetic text-to-speech voices over their mics. This gonna be a problem?
• Trent [radio]: No, It's fine. I'll be right there.

Cameron clicks of the radio.

• Cameron: He's on his way.

ARBITER: Thanks.

Arbiter tries to walk by.

• Cameron: Ah-ah! Not so fast! I'm gonna need you to wait right there until he comes.

ARBITER: Sorry.

Cody notices Chief.

• Cody: You realize who that is, right?
• Cameron: Yeah, the elite was invited here and the two are friends, I... it'll be up to Trent, I guess. But I don't think there's gonna be a problem. [to Chief] Isn't that right? Gonna be a good boy and hold that tongue of yours this time, aren't you? hmm? hmmm hmm? [laughs]
• Cody: Or we'll fuck you up and put you out on your ass again, boy.

Trent comes out of the church.

• Trent: Arbiter, how's tricks man?

ARBITER: Good, I guess.

• Trent: I understand you brought a friend along with you.

ARBITER: I hope that's okay.

• Chief: hello i am mastur ch33f / lol

ARBITER: He was there when you sent your invite and really wanted to check the place out.

• Chief: MAN THIS IS SO WICKED C00L TRENT / XD / XD
• Trent: It's no problem, just try not to mess anything up or bother anybody. My sisters in particular. They're in a bad fucking mood today.

ARBITER: I'm sorry to hear that. You don't have to worry about us.

• Chief: NO SIR
• Trent: Sweet! Then follow me.
• Chief: CAN WE GO COMMANDAR?

Cameron nods his head. Arbiter and Chief start to follow Trent inside.

• Chief: [to Cameron and Cody] douchebags

Cameron and Cody go back into cloaking.

Scene 3 : Inside the Church

Trent leads Arbiter and Chief into the church.

• Trent: Sorry it took a while to get you in. We made a typo putting your gamertag on the guest list.

ARBITER: No worries.

• Trent: We're still putting the finishing touches on the place, gotta build a little munitions bay for Cameron and Cody.

A forge monitor flies down and morphs into a female church construction worker.

• Trent: No bumps or texture overlap from what I can see, place looks great. Thanks.

The worker nods and she walks off. Chief looks around.

• Chief: sw33t trent / this isnt lame at all

Chief notices several fusion coils and plasma batteries decorating the altar. He an Arbiter exchange tense looks.

ARBITER: So this is where it's all gonna happen, huh?

• Trent: Yes indeed.

ARBITER: ... Cool.

• Chief: THIS IS SO FUCKING ROMANTIC

Trent's sister Brittany comes down the stairs.

• Brittany: Trent! Vicky needs you. She needs to know the date of the rehearsal.
• Trent: Where is she? The roof?
• Brittany: Yeah, with Brian.

She notices Arbiter and Chief.

• Brittany: Who are these guys?
• Trent: The elite's an old friend of Claire's, the Arbiter.

ARBITER: Hello.

• Trent: And this is his friend, Master Chief.
• Brittany: Really? That's the best you two could come up with? Not even a butch of numbers after them?
• Chief: WHATS HAPPENING TOOTS?
• Brittany: Excuse me?!

ARBITER: Please excuse my friend. He's joking in an effort to be affable. He tries far too hard.

• Brittany [annoyed]: Vicky's waiting.

Brittany walks out of the room. Chief ogles her as she leaves.

• Trent: Best to watch how you talk to my sisters. They have very strong feminist viewpoints and uh, they're easily offended.
• Chief: W00PSIE DAISIES / SRY ABOT THAT BUDDY
• Trent: You guys wanna head up?

Arbiter and Chief follow Trent to the Church's roof where Victoria Donnovich and Brian are talking.

• Victoria: Trent. Rehearsal. When?
• Trent: I'm still working that out with Claire, but Thursday and Friday are definitely out. I'll be busy at the office. Maybe Wednesday.
• Victoria: Get back to me on that soon.
• Trent: Yup.
• Victoria: Did you get in touch with catering?
• Trent: Yes, Vicky.
• Victoria: What about the florist?
• Trent: Yes! Fuck!

Vicky notices the two.

• Victoria: Hi... Who are they?
• Trent: Friends of Claire's.
• Chief: HELLO / PLEASED 2 M33T U ALL / PLEASED AS PUNCH
• Victoria: What's with the voices?
• Trent: They need the voices to talk. Just showing them around.
• Victoria: Oh, like Stephan Hawkson? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
• Trent: This is Brian. He's gonna be our officiant.
• Brian: Good afternoon.

Brian is shown to be wearing the same skull emblem as Trent and his staff

• Chief: WATS OFFICIANT M33N?
• Brian: Uh, like a pastor, but non-religious. I just oversee the ceremony.
• Chief: HOW R U A POSTER
• Brian: Uh, Pastor.
• Chief: WATS THAT
• Trent: He's also a network administrator governing online multiplayer, so be cool around him. He can smack you down with a banhammer on the spot.
• Brian: [chuckles] Hopefully it won't come to that. 
• Victoria [to Arbiter]: Just so you know, we're gonna have a dress code sort of a thing on that day. Strictly Spartan models. We'll need you to switch over if your coming. [to Trent] Are they coming?
• Trent: Um, we haven't really had a chance to talk about that yet, have we? Would you like to?
• Chief: I WULD LOVES 2

ARBITER: I really appreciate the invitation. [beat] ...Sure. I'll come.

• Trent: Great.

ARBITER: Chief can't make it though, I'm sorry.

• Chief: YES I CAN

ARBITER: He can't. He's got a thing.

• Chief: NO I DUSNT

ARBITER: Bless him. He'd forget his head if it wasn't stuck on. He actually can't. But thank you for inviting him regardless.

• Chief: OH THAT THING? / GOT CANCELLED / I CAN COME / NO PROBLIM / WHOEL DAYS WIED OPEN

ARBITER: But then it went back on, remember? Such an airhead.

• Chief: YEAH BUT THEN IT GOTS CANCELLED AGEN RLY RLY RECINTLY SO IM GOOD / IM COMING / PERIED

Arbiter shakes his head.

• Trent: Cool. Well, the way I see it a friend of a friend of Claire's is a friend of mine.
• Chief: CANT W8 / ITS GONA B TEH BOMB

Arbiter turns to face Chief. Chief looks back at him.

• Chief: KABOOM

Cut to the Apartment. Arbiter throws Chief against the fridge again.

• Chief: HAHAHAHHAHAH

ARBITER: You better not fuck this up. Seriously.

• Chief: dont u wury arbitur / itll b a fun filled day / i garant33s it

Scene 4: Sword Base

Arbiter backs up the lab stairs firing his magnum. He moves into the lab.

• Claire: Arbiter!

Arbiter turns to see Claire.

ARBITER: Hey! What's up?

• Claire: Not much. How's Hypernews doing?

ARBITER: Pretty good! Almost two hundred thousand views.

• Claire: That's amazing.

ARBITER: Yeah, it's cool.

• Claire: You gonna make another one?

ARBITER: Working on it.

• Claire: Awesome. You feel like playing some double team?

ARBITER: Really?

• Claire: Yeah.

Claire is shown to be wearing the same skull emblem as Trent and his staff.

• Claire: You up for the challenge?

Credits roll. The end.