| ← "TOSERS" | "Dough Eyes" | "Chaos Theosis (Episode)" → |
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Scene 1:Jon's Apartment[]
[Chief is seen near the door with Jon's cell phone and Jon's credit card]
- PIZZA deliveryman: Okay is that everything?
CHIEF: YES
- PIZZA deliveryman: Alright, I'll be there in about twenty minutes.
CHIEF: maek it ten minits k?
[Chief sees Arbiter coming around the corner]
CHIEF: k bie bie / hurry tf ^[up]
[Chief throws the phone into a corner]
ARBITER: Did you just call somebody?
CHIEF: nope
ARBITER: Who did you call?
CHIEF: n0budy
ARBITER: What the fuck is all this?
[Four folded pieces of duct tape are seen on the wall]
CHIEF: dunn0 wut ur talking abot
ARBITER: Cut the shit please.
CHIEF: wat shit?
ARBITER: Your shit. Who did you call?
CHIEF: OK arbitur mebbeh i did call somebody k
ARBITER: Who?
CHIEF: he's g0t this wierd a$$ naem / "nunayur" / foriegn or sum shit / last names even wierdar tho / "fuckign business" / i hope i pronounced taht rite
ARBITER: You didn't. It is my business. We've discussed this before. You don't make calls.
CHIEF: discuss liek u whine liek a bitch and i ignore u as usual / u dunt give meh ordars / i'll call whoevar teh fuck i want whenevar i want / ROFLMAO :P [tongue face]
ARBITER: You can call yourself an ambulance if I catch you at it again.
CHIEF: k arbitur u wont catch meh @ it agen
ARBITER: Goddamnit why can't you just do what I say for once!?
[Chief starts walking to the game chair]
CHIEF: watever / does u wana go pleh sum hal0 4 graet justis? ive been prakticing / u wana c?
ARBITER: Practicing?
[Chief pretends that he has a gun and aims around the room]
CHIEF: FREEZE / TOSERS / GET DOWN ON TEH FUCKIGN GROUND
ARBITER: ...Wow.
CHIEF: lmao / FREEZE / TOSERS / GET DOWNN ON TEH FUCKING GROUND
ARBITER: I like the added professionalism with the "fuck" you threw in there. Master those three sentences and you'll be a stellar credit to the force.
CHIEF: butt arbitur does u no a secret? i alredy am / n0 1 just didn't knew it yet
ARBITER: Please. A moment of silence...for grammar. About four million B.C. to Two thousand-eleven. Gone but not forgotten... always in our hearts.
CHIEF: fraiser sucked n e way / lol
ARBITER: ...I still don't get how everyones supposed to get down on the ground. They could crouch I guess. But thats kinda stupid.
CHIEF: ur kinda stupid
ARBITER: Thanks.
CHIEF: ROFLOL / no ur rly stupid / k lets go bitch
[Chief walks to the chair. Arbiter looks back at the phone]
ARBITER: Who the hell did you call?
[Opening credits roll]
Scene 2: TOSERS Server[]
[Arbiter and Chief are seen walking through the river; they both have plasma pistols]
LEONARD: Congratulations on your placement within TOSERS.
ARBITER: Thanks.
[Cut to Arbiter talking to Leonard in his office]
LEONARD: Now what you're gonna want to do is go over to the armory and equip yourselves.
ARBITER: Okay.
LEONARD: Then you'll wanna head over to the the briefing area where we'll be bringing all our moderators up to speed on the hacker clan threat.
ARBITER: Chief's too right?
LEONARD: Who?
ARBITER: The guy I vouched for standing next to-
[Arbiter looks around and sees that Chief has left]
ARBITER: What the hell?
[Chief is seen running around in the river]
CHIEF: O HAI FISHIES / FREEZE / TOSERS / GET DOWN ON TEH FUCKING GROUND
[Chief starts shooting the fish. Arbiter and Leonard watch from the window]
CHIEF: it r liek shooting fish in a barrels / exept it is a rivar / get it / lol u get it arbitur? u get it?
ARBITER: Yes I got it, Chief.
[Arbiter and Chief are seen entering the armory]
ARBITER: Okay, here we go.
CHIEF: I CALL ROCKETS / WERS ROCKETS?
[Chief looks around the room]
CHIEF: WERS ROCKETS? WERS ROCKETS? WERS ROCKETS? WERS ROCKETS?
ARBITER: God forbid you pick anything that requires you to aim.
CHIEF: ill aim mai dick 2 ur face
ARBITER: Nice.
[Chief sees a rocket launcher on a crate]
CHIEF: :D [happy face] / cum 2 daddy bb
[Chief jumps onto the crate]
CHIEF: wat teh hell? why teh fuck cant i pick ^[up] rockets?
[Chief is seen in the real world franticly tapping the X button]
CHIEF: omg bbq / y cant i pick up rockets arbiter / omg
ARBITER: I don't know, man. But the important thing to remember is not to panic.
CHIEF: b cewl cheef / jus be cool
ARBITER: Deep breaths, dumbass.
[In-game Arbiter walks up to a DMR]
ARBITER: Hmm. I can't pick up DMR. No prompt. Wierd.
[Chief tries various other weapons]
CHIEF: dammit y cant i picked up anything?
ARBITER: Can't you stay in one tense? You're like the Marty Mcfly of speech.
[Arbiter swaps his plasma pistol for another one]
ARBITER: Huh. Looks like I can pick up plasma pistols.
CHIEF: tahts it? that fuckign sucks
[Chief sees a line of armor abilities]
CHIEF: omg i hoep i can picks up teh armer lock
ARBITER: You're not able to perform any sort of task, Chief.
CHIEF: its teh best fucking gun in teh whoel gaem dude
ARBITER: My prayers are with you.
[Chief tries to pick it up]
CHIEF: j33sus summer salting christ / goddamit wtf is this all about?!
ARBITER: Simmer will you? This is nothing to get worked up over.
CHIEF: all i can pick up is sprite adn evade
ARBITER: Sprint.
CHIEF: i can only pick up teh fuckign suckiest shit in teh game this is fucking gay as hell i has 2 play all retarted liek u nao!
[Stephen walks into the armory]
STEPHEN: Another slur like that and you'll be out of here pretty quick.
CHIEF: i ment gay as in happy lol
STEPHEN: So you're really happy that you can only pick up the suckiest shit?
CHIEF: yes
ARBITER: What's the deal with that anyway?
STEPHEN: Loadouts of level negative ones are limited to sprint and plasma pistols. The rest of the equiptment is unlocked as you progress through the ranks.
ARBITER: "Level negative one"? That's what we are?
STEPHEN: Yeah.
ARBITER: That's a terrible label.
STEPHEN: I know but it's only temporary.
ARBITER: What other ranks are there?
STEPHEN: There's negative one, you guys, then zero then one. That's basic division. Levels two and three make up the cheating and hacking divisions.
CHIEF: excuse meh who teh hell r u?
STEPHEN: My tag is Silentstrike. I'm a moderator level two. I've been assigned as your chaparone for the day.
CHIEF: wats taht? is it bettar than toblerone?
ARBITER: God damnit.
STEPHEN: It means I'll be supervising you guys. It's necessary for all negetive ones. I can answer any questions you have about I dun- whatever.
CHIEF: i has a quest chin
STEPHEN: Okay.
CHIEF: can u tells meh hao cum arbitur's s0 retarted?
ARBITER: Jesus! It's retarded not re-tart-ed! I don't see any pop tarts, lemon tarts or any kind of tarts around here! Are you insulting me or do you want breakfast? Pick one.
STEPHEN: Uhh...I meant questions about the job. I can't read your fortune,dude. I don't have my crystal ball with me.
CHIEF: I DUNT N33D NO DUM BEBBEH SITTAR I GOTS THIS SHIT CHECK IT OUT
[Chief aims his gun around the room]
CHIEF: FREEZE / TOSERS / GET DOWN ON TEH FUCKING GROUND
ARBITER: Now there's a real tosser if ever I saw one.
STEPHEN: There's actually more to being a mod that that.
CHIEF: r u srsly?
ARBITER: He'll catch on. He's just over excited right now. He thinks he's Vic Mackey.
CHIEF: y teh hell w00d i want 2 be sum dumb disney caraktor im a man n0t mouse lmao / and master chief is teh most best character evar maed in teh histery of teh whoel werld rememir? ...lol remember arbitur?
ARBITER: Shut up.
STEPHEN: And I expect you not to be cussing at players otherwise we're gonna have a problem. I don't mind if it's between us but watch your tongues while you're on duty... or keyboards in your case I suppose. I heard you're the guys who held off the hacker clan.
CHIEF: ya they g0t so scaered of meh they just quit / fuckign pussys
ARBITER: I wouldn't be here if the back-up hadn't come when it did. It was a close call.
STEPHEN: Still, it's pretty impressive. Keep that up and you'll progress pretty quickly. And also I should mention, although you are moderators, as level negetive ones your actual judicial authority is... limited.
ARBITER: How limited?
STEPHEN: You basically don't have any.
CHIEF: wats judishil? does taht m33n its wicked or wutevar?
STEPHEN: Your only real purpose is to give out verbal warnings. Any form of punishment is left up to moderators level zero and up.
ARBITER: Verbal warnings? Not even some "three strikes" thing and then we can do something?
STEPHEN: No.
ARBITER: ...We're gonna get the piss ripped out of us.
STEPHEN: Yeah.
Scene 3[]
[Arbiter, Chief, Stephan, Cody and Kevin are seen watching a video of Chaos Theosis' threat in the briefing room]
CLYDE [video]: You cannot trace us or ban us remotely. We cannot and will not be stopped.
LEONARD: We received this message after it was uploaded just after eight p.m. It is not a bluff. This clan, Chaos Theosis, is indeed in possession of sophisticated hacks and as of less then hour ago has acted on their threat attacking not only standard player matches but one of our TOSERS skill evaluation/reccuitment tests. Anyone in the same match as them who then quits out will be faced with an irreversible console ban. And anyone they take out weather the kill is scored from bullet fire, explosive weaponry, melee attacks or assassinations will share the same fate. For normal players the only way around them is to survive until the game's countdown timer expires, but for all TOSERS moderators level zero and up, an additional option is available - to frag and consequently ban them first.
CODY: Uh, question. Can't we just ban these assholes remotely?
LEONARD: Unfortunately no. Their modifications apparently include the ability to cloak their online identities, preventing us from pinpointing their exact location at any given time or collecting any sort of personal information.
CHIEF: i doesn't get it
ARBITER: Say the network's a supermarket. These guys are groceries with no bar codes.
CHIEF: cookies?
ARBITER: ...Whatever.
CHIEF: YUM COOKIES / i still don't get it
CODY: Yeah, everyone's real surprised.
ARBITER: You're hopeless.
CHIEF: no u r
LEONARD: Good analogy. That's basically the case. In the likely event of randomly running into these guys, the only option will be to ban them manually. Up close and personal. Score a kill point from them of any sort. A task made difficult by their additional perks - one of which is the ability to shoot through walls. I hope it's obvious that these individuals aren't to be taken lightly.
KEVIN: So what do we do in the meantime?
CODY: Why don't you tuck yourself into bed, Bobby Gennerick. It's gettin' late and don't forget to brush your teeth.
KEVIN: Give it a rest will you?
LEONARD: The administration is currently trying to find the games software expliots that the clan's hacks are specifically targeting and developing a fix. And TOSERS is deploying a thin net of as many moderators as possible in the hopes of catching them in one of their random server jumps. Other than that, our hands are tied I'm afraid. For now, the best thing for everyone to do is stay alert. Be prepared to take these bastards out at any moment.
KEVIN: Won't the OMN have to shut down the network? I mean every ones console and personal info are at risk.
LEONARD: It's a possibility but we're hoping that it won't come to that. We'll just have to wait until either we quickly nuetralize the situation or the administration finds a software patch."
CHIEF: Can weh g0 nao plz this is fuckign boring
LEONARD: Hmm... yeah, I think we've covered everything.
CHIEF: Alrite
[The moderators file out of the room]
LEONARD: Alright, good luck everybody.
CHIEF: lets d0 it / TOSERS foar lyph
ARBITER: Damnit, that's getting old fast.
[The two are seen walking around the armory]
ARBITER: Would it kill you to show people a little respect? Even just now and then?
CHIEF: butt it w00d hurt meh arbitur / it wood hurt mai soul
[A moderator walks out of the armory]
- TOSERS moderatoR [to recruit]: Alright, now just head to the building everyone's coming out from. They're holding emergency briefings about a hacker clan.
[Claire walks out]
CLAIRE: Okay, thanks.
ARBITER: ...Claire?
Scene 4: Jon's apartment[]
[The intercom buzzes]
ARBITER: What the hell?
[Chief throws down his controller and runs to the door]
CHIEF: yes / finally
ARBITER: Damnit... I suppose this is whoever you called, isn't it?
CHIEF: lol so ch33ky
[Arbiter follows him. In-game Claire notices them unaware that they are AFK]
CLAIRE: Arbiter? And Master Chief? Is that you?
[Claire walks over to them]
CLAIRE: It's been a while. How have you guys been?
[In the apartment, Arbiter watches Chief grab a fold of duct tape from the wall and attaches it to his knee]
ARBITER: You're not serious.
[Chief is seen with tape folds on his hands and knees]
ARBITER: You can't be serious.
[Chief jumps onto the wall and sticks there]
ARBITER: You're serious. This is actually happening.
[Chief starts climbing towards the intercom]
CHIEF: lololol
ARBITER: Get the hell down from there.
[Arbiter grabs Chief's leg]
CHIEF: dont touch meh fuckface
[Chief kicks Arbiter in the face. He stumbles back]
ARBITER: Aagghh!
CHIEF: lolollollolololol
ARBITER: Fuck! Man, my eye!
CHIEF: SPIDAR CHEEF / SPIDAR CHIEF / DOES MOAR THAT ARBY CUZ HES A QUEEF / he's soopar strong / he's nevar wrong / and gots a radioaktive dong / look otu / h33r cums teh spidar cheef / lololololololol
[Chief reaches the intercom and turns it on]
CHIEF: hello?
- Pizza deliveryMAN: Delivery.
CHIEF: coem on up h0mie
ARBITER: We can't be seen,dude. Can't you get that through your thick head? It could land us in some serious trouble understand?
[Chief falls off the wall]
CHIEF: WEEEEE
[Chief lands on Arbiter. He gets up and heads for the door]
CHIEF: I DUNT CAER IM HUNGRY FUCK U
[Arbiter gets up and chases him]
ARBITER: You're not opening that fucking door!
CHIEF: i will akshely / watch
[Claire is seen with Arbiter and Chief's avatars]
CLAIRE: ...Alright, let's try and shoo the elephant out of the room. I know I haven't spoken to you guys in awhile. I've just had a lot of other stuff going on. I'm sorry.
[Arbiter and Chief are seen wrestling around the doorway]
CHIEF: GET OF MEH U FUCKIGN HOMO
ARBITER: You're such a goddamn moron. So utterly clueless about everything. All you worry about is whatever's immediately in front of you.
[Arbiter pins Chief to the wall]
CHIEF: LIEK UR M0MS BUSH OM NOM NOM
[There is a knock on the door]
- PIZZA deliveryman: Pizza.
CHIEF: HUUURAAAY
[Chief knees Arbiter in the crotch and runs to the door]
CHIEF: :D [happy face] / pizza is teh best / y doesnt every1 just eat pizza all tiem?
[Chief starts climbing the door]
CHIEF: they shud just replaced everythign w/ pizza / PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA / lets eatsa pizza
- PIZZA deliveryman: Hello? I have an order of three large pizzas. Do I have the right door?
[Arbiter pulls Chief down from the door]
ARBITER: Oh god... I'm terribly sorry... but we'd like to cancel our order.
CHIEF: hay shut up / ill cancel ur lief muthar fucker
- PIZZA deliveryman: You'd like to cancel your order of three large meat lovers? Who am I speaking with? Is there an adult in the house?
ARBITER: Yes, I'm an adult.
CHIEF: n0 way im way moar of an adult than u r
ARBITER: My friend made a prank call. No pizza was meant to be delivered here. I'm terribly sorry for your trouble. CHIEF: I'm hungry i want mai goddam pizza
ARBITER: Ignore him. Please leave.
CHIEF: FUCK OFF SHIT HED
[Chief lunges at Arbiter. Arbiter slams Chiefs head into the wall, knocking him out]
CHIEF: ah!
[Claire is seen with the avatars again]
CLAIRE: ...So that's it? You're just not gonna say anything?...Fine. Have it your way. Sorry I bothered you.
[Claire walks away. Arbiter continues talking to the deliveryman]
- Pizza deliveryman: This is quite a large order to just cancel and I came a long way to get here. Can I at least get my money?
ARBITER: ...No.
- Pizza deliveryman: Seriously? How about just the money for pizza? Forget the tip. Just the pizza money?
ARBITER: I'm sorry. I can't.
- Pizza deliveryman: ...Un- fuckin' - believable!
ARBITER: Have a nice day,sir.
- Pizza deliveryman: Eat shit!
[Arbiter is seen looking around in-game]
ARBITER: ...Claire?
[End credits]