← "Hypernews I" "Drunken Halo" "Time Wasters" →


Scene 1: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter, Chief and Greg are seen on Jon's desk looking at the Hypernews video on Youtube.

  • Chief: Dued it sez wer numbar 1 on teh tubes / hypernews is numbar 1/ wut did i tells u?
  • Arbiter: Chief, that's the view count. / We've had one viewer so far.
  • Chief: r u kiddin meh?/ who?
  • Arbiter: Us. From refreshing.
  • Chief: so not 1 asshole haz s33n our show?
  • Arbiter: Not yet.
  • Chief: f5

Arbiter presses the F5 key on the computer.

  • Arbiter: Yes! There's three! And there's a comment!
  • Chief: YAAAY / lets c

The comment left by Smo@kw33d4lyph420, is seen. It reads "This is gay."

  • Chief: wut a dick!
  • Arbiter: He disliked it too! Couldn't just leave it alone.
  • Chief: u no this is ur fault rite? just maeking shure
  • Arbiter: What? My fault?!
  • Chief: u wer BORING / and no one can stand 2 l00k at ur ugly vagina face / i n33ded moar sceen tiem / cuz im so sooper sexy / sexy cheef
  • Arbiter: The entire episode revolved around you! You and that ridiculous fucking review!
  • Chief: every1 needs to just grow a pair an reelize that harmonica of teim is just ovar rated hipster garbage / i wuz just telling teh truths / u don't want meh 2 tell ppls teh truths arbiter?"
  • Greg: srsly u guys.
  • Arbiter: You're completely closed-minded and biased, the poster boy for fanboyism.
  • Chief: IM NOT A FANBOY
  • Arbiter: Bitch, please. You told me you thought that Microsoft points were the global currency.
  • Chief: then hao does ppls buy groceries and shit?
  • Arbiter: ... Sorry, Greg.
  • Chief: shut up greg
  • Arbiter: Sigh. We gave it our best shot.
  • Chief: witch wuzn't g00d enuff cuz of a certain obvious sum1 / f5

Arbiter hits F5 again.

  • Chief: dued it sez 4!
  • Arbiter: That's us again, Chief.
  • Chief: BALLZ!

Arbiter gets up to go.

  • Arbiter: I'm gonna go get wasted.
  • Greg: :/ easy on the drink arbiter
  • Arbiter: We worked hard and I feel like shit, indulgence is in order. I understand, Greg. Your mouth is a forty five degree angle indicating concern.
  • Chief: arbitur i gots a BOSS idea

[short beat]

  • Arbiter: ... I'm listening.

Opening credits roll.

Arbiter is seen stumbling around the kitchen, he's obviously drunk.

  • Arbiter: I am wasted.
  • Chief: WEVE GOT A WHOEL DAY OF TRASH TALKIGN AHED OF US/ thers not monent 2 spar my boi / HURRY THE FUCK UP
  • Arbiter: I may have over indulged.
  • Greg: :/

Chief and Arbiter climb onto the chair ready to play Halo.

  • Chief: all teh tiem we waste is bettar spent maeking ppl rage and kids crai
  • Arbiter: Greg, you feel like playing with us?"
  • Greg: i like 2 watch
  • Chief: ya cuz u probably suck faget / reech isn't sum sissy pillow fite / wer fighting a goddamn war understand? frends go down / sumtiems they hav to pause to eat yucky dinner reel quick / othirs get b&, and u'd bettar pray u dont get any lag cuz it's every wer and its fucking dedly / its maed meh lose almost evry singul gaem / its not pretty
  • Arbiter: You're full of shit you know. Don't forget, you admitted that you suck. LOL, remember Chief?
  • Chief: HAY! / thats mai thing arbitur / u cant use mai thing / u cant / get it LOL?
  • Arbiter: Don't worry, Chief. I know. LOL
  • Chief:" remembir? LOL"

Arbiter:"Yeah, I remember, LOL right?"

Scene 2: ReflectionEdit

Chief runs around the map spraying everything in sight as usual.

Chief comes to the main area and sees the Rocket launcher.

  • Chief:" hallalooya / cum 2 daddy baybay

Claire runs by and takes the launcher.

  • Chief:"HAY BITCH
  • Claire:"Excuse me?!
  • Chief:"thats mien / if u dont put it back wer gonna haz a problem"
  • Claire:"There's no putting these things on layaway, grab a different weapon.
  • Chief: grab these nuts / wait r u rly a gurl or just a littel kid? if u r a grill can i be on ur frends list ? i promise imma be a rly gud frend / and wen things get surs we can discuss teh variuos methods of contra inception and find a plan that werks foar us
  • Claire:"Do you want me to report you for harassment? Possibly land you a console ban?
  • Chief:"no pls"
  • Claire:"Then I'd knock it off now if i were you.
  • Chief:"so can i b on ur frends list?"
  • Claire: No.

Arbiter comes around the corner and sees them.

  • Arbiter:"Claire?
  • Claire:"Arbiter?
  • Chief:" u know this tease?"
  • Claire:"You know this loser?
  • Chief:"Haz u accepted mai friend request yet?
  • Arbiter:"We live together."
  • Claire:"I see...I guess it makes sense. Seeing as how you both have those voices, but him? Really?"
  • Chief:"y u no accept my frends request? r u embarresed cuz ur fat or r u a lesbian?
  • Claire: Anyway, I'm sorry about what happened the other day with Trent. I didn't mean for you to find out like that.
  • Chief: find out wat?
  • Arbiter: Nothing.
  • Chief:"[beat] accept accept accept accept accept"
  • Claire: I DON'T want to be your friend!
  • Chief:":( [sad face] / y? / y tho? / can u leest tells meh y? / ecuse meh i axing u niecly? / im axing u niecly and ur not even fucking answerign meh!"
  • Claire: Interesting choice in company.
  • Arbiter: We were both stuck in the same apartment. Choice wasn't involved. Unlike some things.
  • Claire: What's that supposed to mean?
  • Arbiter: You know exactly what I mean.
  • Claire:"Please clarify."
  • Arbiter:"Trent's a tool. He'd be a be a DIY store sellout."
  • Chief:"Whos teh hell is trent?
  • Arbiter:"Forget it."
  • Chief:"NO!
  • Claire:"What are you talking about? You don't even know him!
  • Arbiter:"Thank the lord.
  • Claire:"Just forget it."

Claire leaves.

  • Chief:"Accept mai fucking frends request / [beat] wut a bitch"

Scene 3: Jon's bathroomEdit

Arbiter, Chief and Greg are sitting around the bathroom.

  • Arbiter:"She hates me.
  • Chief:" i haet u / every1 haets u"
  • Greg: i don't hate u :) .
  • Arbiter:"I called her imenant future husband a tool. I'm so dense."
  • Chief:"way 2 figuer that out nao / hay they aren't getting married in reech r they?"

Ominous music plays.

  • Arbiter:"[beat] No, no.

Music subsides.

  • Chief:"thats 2 bad, it'd be so tight if they wer / we could rocks the house / just liek teh g00d old days"
  • Arbiter:"...yeah. [beat] You're sexist as shit by the way.
  • Chief:"LOL"
  • Arbiter:"No seriously, your behavior is repugnant. You really need to work on that. And stop calling everyone faggot."
  • Chief:"WHITE KNIGHT DETEKTED, wers ur lance sir faglot"
  • Arbiter:"Sigh."

Scene 4: BoardwalkEdit

Arbiter sprints along the map, a player attacks with a grenade launcher and Arbiter kills him.

  • In-game Anouncer: First Strike!

Arbiter moves along and kills another player with a head shot. He goes around a corner and a player with a rocket launcher sneaks up behind and aims.

Trent Donnovich walks up behind the player.

  • Trent:"Hey!"

The player turns around and Trent kills him with a shotgun.

  • Trent:"Hey Arbiter!"

Arbiter turns around.

  • Arbiter:"Shit."
  • Trent:"Claire told me everything."
  • Arbiter:"Look I'm sorry for everything I said last night, I had a few drinks in me."
  • Trent:"What are you talking about?"
  • Arbiter: Huh? What are you talking about?
  • Trent:"Look, Claire told me you and her had a thing a while back. And I just wanna say that I acknowledge how you must be feeling about this. I've done a lot to improve my attitude since we last met and you strike me as a pretty smart guy. And i was wondering if we could be friends."
  • Arbiter:"Really?"
  • Trent:"Yeah. So what were you saying? You said something last night?"
  • Arbiter:"Nothing, forget about it."
  • Trent:"So waddaya think?"

Credits roll. The end.