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Contents[]
Scene 1: Anchor 9[]
[Eugene, Tyler and Colin are seen stood together in a hanger bay.]
TYLER: That's rough, dude. Sorry to hear that. I had a haemorrhage once, had to sit on a donut for a week and a half! Didn't know you could die from it.
[Colin judgementally looks over at him, followed by Eugene.]
EUGENE: Although this is the worst possible time to be trolling me, you sure as hell better be.
COLIN: You're a fucking idiot! Wouldn't surprise me if it was a JELLY donut!
[Charlie is heard barking over Tyler's microphone]
TYLER: Charlie! Shut your goddamn trap, or I'll sure as hell give you something to bark about! One broken leg not enough, huh?!
[Colin turns back to Eugene]
COLIN: You have my condolences.
[beat]
[Eugene's avatar nods]
TYLER: Did you hear about Brody? Pussy bitch threw down a bottle of pills apparently, trying to off himself! Everyone's at school talking about it! His little brother found him zomped in his room. He's in the hospital getting the drugs pumped out of him. Can't even succeed in failing life! (laughs)
EUGENE: Don't laugh, Tyler, that's terrible. Things could've gone down much better. He could've choked to death on the pills before they even had a chance to take affect.
[beat]
TYLER: So, do we have anything to worry about at the moment? Arbiter and the Chief oughta be pretty pissed off right about now.
EUGENE: Wow. I've just had an epiphany. I think I might actually be the eleventh Care Bear, because I care so much.
TYLER: What's stopping them from talking to the cops, wise-ass?
EUGENE: Somehow, I suspect the police are gonna have a hard time taking a single fucking word either of those two have to say seriously.
COLIN: The police need probable cause before they can make any arrests. Fragban has no digital fingerprint. There's insufficient evidence connecting us to it. Anything else, heresy. Relax, nobody's going to jail.
TYLER: Okay, but what's stopping Arbiter and the Chief from at least sending the files to the network administration? That would probably lead to a fix, right?
[beat]
COLIN: I knew including those morons was a horrendous fucking mistake from the moment you introduced me to them! Should've listened to me and just let me drop them right then and there!
[beat]
EUGENE: I apologise. I owe you.
[beat]
EUGENE: I suggest we get the utmost outta Fragban while it's functional. (turns and starts walking away) That, or until a single solitary player's left connected.
[Colin turns and leaves with him. Tyler follows suit, loading his shotgun.]
TYLER: Let the massacre begin!
Scene 2: Jon's Apartment[]
[Chief is seen sitting at a computer screen with four cans of beer at his side. He is visibly tired, almost nodding off and then waking himself up twice in a row.]
CORTANA: Chief, you're exhausted. This situation with Colin lacks the urgency it had before you removed the boy from harm's way.
[Chief drinks from one of the cans, then puts it down besides him.]
CORTANA: Please get some sleep. Eat something at least.
CHIEF: how's about u eat a cock? im fine / hell be on n e seconds, i knew it
[Arbiter gets up and walks over to him.]
ARBITER: Who the hell are you talking to?
CHIEF: myself / so what? wanna fight about it?
ARBITER: Can’t feel my feet sticking to the desk at all, figured I’d have to chisel myself free. Again. Am I to assume you’ve been in front of the computer for this long without polishing your helmet? Color me impressed. What the hell have you been doing?
CHIEF: ur mom / LOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOL
ARBITER: Bra-fucking-vo. Just when I think your retorts aren’t completely devoid of cleverness, you always fail to impress.
CHIEF: colin sent that kid his secured chat servers address and infos so both of the 2 of them could cybered in privates / i gots the address and infos from the kid / ive b33n logged into the servers waiting foar colin 2 replied 2 me / hes in h33r 2, butt hes b33n afk this entire fucking times / c? c arbitur? c?
ARBITER: Yes, Chief. I see. What’s your plan?
CHIEF: take a wild fucking guest / im gonna gots colin 2 agr33d 2 sum secksy times posing as the kid, and w/ n e lucks hell gots a surprised visit from the party van / :) (smiley face)
ARBITER: You’re serious?
CHIEF: l00k @ mai face / >:I (serious face) / does u srsly thot im not super srs rite nao? srsly? i srsly hope not
ARBITER: You’re right, how could your monotone and expressionless helmet tell me different?
[beat]
ARBITER: You sure you’re gonna be able to pull this off? Subtlety’s gonna be crucial, and surely we both know that’s not exactly your strongest suit.
CHIEF: bitches like u doesnt knew about my suits / u told me i doesn’t has n e suttleties just 1 moar times and ill killed u so hard ull never be alive again / evar
ARBITER: That wasn’t very subtle.
CORTANA: Sounds familiar.
[beat]
ARBITER: Whether or not Colin already knows the boy’s age, make sure you slip it into this conversation. Also, get him to divulge his location, and save the chat log as soon as he concretely agrees to meet with you for illegal conduct. I wish you luck in your endeavour. I’ve gotta hit the sack, I’m fried.
[Arbiter goes to leave, but suddenly stops as soon as he hears Chief talking again.]
CHIEF: OMG BBQ / DUDE / DUDE, DUDE / HES ON / HES REPLYING / >:D (mischievous face) / H33R WE GO BABBY
ARBITER: Remember, Chief -- subtle. Don’t scare him off.
[Chief hops on the keyboard and starts typing at a rapid pace.]
CHIEF: no shit dude, u think im fucking retarted or sumthing?
[He continues to type as the scene fades to a nighttime view of the city hours later.]
[Cut back to Arbiter and Chief sitting at the computer.]
ARBITER: The fact he’s already booked his flight is still giving me chills. All we need to do now is have him clearly confirm his intent.
CHIEF: does that mean we can moved on from all these fucking small talks already? IM BOARD OUT OF MAI TITTIES
ARBITER: Yeah, we’re gonna have to escalate the charge of the conversation, so to speak. Baby steps. No cranking it up to eleven.
[Chief hops back on the keyboard and starts typing again.]
CHIEF: w00dnt dr33m3d of it / 11s foar little pu$$y a$$ bitches / ima cranked these shits up to 1 thousands, 3 hundreds and 30 7s / ALL THE NUMBERS
ARBITER: No, Chief.
[He turns to the computer screen and sees what Chief is typing as he keeps on doing so.]
ARBITER: Holy Christ -- that’s disgusting, even for you.
CHIEF: ROFL
ARBITER: Seriously. You can’t put that. What the hell’s the matter with you?
[He turns back to Chief.]
ARBITER: No, don’t --!
[Chief finishes typing and sends the inappropriate message. Arbiter is facing the computer screen again.]
ARBITER: Well, that’ll likely arouse his suspicion.
[He turns to face Chief again.]
ARBITER: After all the hours we’ve just invested in this. Well done, really.
CHIEF: well i say itll arouse the sick pricks dick
[Chief suddenly points at the computer screen again.]
CHIEF: AAHAHAHHAHAHAH / DUDE, L00K -- HE SAID YES / HES ACKSHULLY INTO IT
[Arbiter looks back at the computer screen again.]
CHIEF: THATS HILARIOUS / WHAT A SICK FUCK / IN UR FACE, ARBITUR
ARBITER: Unbelievable. Colin, you twisted bastard. Save the chat log now. Doubt a screen-capped image would suffice as evidence.
[He turns back to Chief again.]
ARBITER: There’s something severely wrong with you.
[Chief turns to face him.]
ARBITER: You do know that, right?
CHIEF: got the fucking jobs done, didnt it? so nao what do we does?
[Cut to the duo in the hall, Arbiter sitting against a wall with a phone in his hands. The phone begins ringing.]
ARBITER: You. I don’t wanna hear a fucking word come out of your mouth during this call. I mean it.
[The phone rings one more time and is then picked up.]
AUTHORITY: 911. This call is being recorded, what is your emergency?
ARBITER: Hello, I’d like to provide information regarding inappropriate conduct with a minor online. Anonymously.
AUTHORITY: This line is reserved strictly for emergencies, prank calling the authorities is a serious and punishable offence.
ARBITER: No, please -- don’t end the call. This is not a prank --
CHIEF: gimme that fucking phone
[Chief darts over and grabs the phone from Arbiter.]
ARBITER: Goddammit Chief, no --!
CHIEF: lissened ^ / u lissening?
[Arbiter gets up in a hurry, but stops as Chief keeps talking.]
CHIEF: theirs a cr33py dude on the internets trying to h00ked ^ with kids and slipped them the ol sausage / we has pr00fs / lots of them / if we gave you his isp address, u guys can used ur csi shit to found out where he lived, rite?
Scene 3: Breakneck[]
[Shots of a burning building and evacuation warning screens are shown, before cutting to six players in warthogs, stuck in what appears to be a racing queue and blaring their horns.]
RACE HOST: Alright, let’s everybody just calm the fuck down. This is supposed to be a race, not a demolition derby. Took nearly a lifetime getting you assholes organized, so let’s get this started before we all drop dead, okay?
[Shots of Tyler, Colin, and Eugene approaching the racers are shown. The camera cuts back to the racers. Suddenly, the Warthogs start getting attacked. Camera cuts to Eugene firing his fuel rod cannon. Camera cuts back to three Warthogs blowing up simultaneously. Tyler is shown firing his detached turret and the camera cuts to Colin firing his sniper rifle at the racers, fragging a fleeing racer in the process. Camera cuts to Eugene moving onto the racetrack, firing his Magnum and then fragging another racer. The race host approaches Eugene from behind.]
RACE HOST: I’m reporting you asses. Be sure to let me know how enjoyable it is being banned.
[Eugene turns around and approaches the race host, raising his Magnum at him.]
EUGENE: It’d be quicker if you told me.
[Shots of Tyler’s and Colin’s faces are shown. Camera cuts back to Eugene, who lowers his Magnum.]
EUGENE: (chuckles) You’ve got to be kidding me.
[The race host turns around. The camera changes angle, revealing that Master Chief and Arbiter are standing on the racetrack.]
MASTER CHIEF: let me assured u, this is no laughing mattress
ARBITER: You clowns are the only joke here.
[Camera cuts to Jon’s apartment. A box lays on its side, packing peanuts litter the floor. Camera pans to a fresh Xbox 360 console with the Fragban drive plugged in. Camera cuts to Arbiter and Master Chief sitting on a chair with controllers and a headset. Camera cuts back to in-game. Eugene assassinates the race host. Camera cuts to Arbiter and Master Chief. Camera cuts to a wide shot of Eugene staring at Arbiter and Master Chief.]
[End Credits]