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← "Ignition" "Fatal Exception" "Nervewreck" →

PrologueEdit

Dialogue from the pilot episode of Arby 'n' the Chief plays in the background as the "Imaginative Logo Productions Presents" message fades in and out before the dialogue from the pilot episode becomes fully heard, sometime just after the exchange between Arbiter and Master Chief regarding the Heroic Map Pack.

  • Arbiter: “(…). My point is that I don't really think the Heroic Map Pack is worth it. The map pack should have been a freebie, in my opinion.
  • Chief: taht wuz quit3 a mouthful!!1 / i gess ur used 2 that kind of thign
  • Arbiter: Nice one! I see what you did there. Instead of addressing my points, you took everything that I said and turned it into a sexual joke, implying that I suck men's penises. Fantastic.
  • Chief: LOLOLLOLOLLOLOL
  • Arbiter: "LOL" indeed.
  • Chief: w/e / ur just 2 p00r 2 affoerd teh new mapz

[At this point, the audio is totally clear, but still no image]

  • Arbiter: It's not a competition about who has the most money, you fucking idiot. It's about a personal sense of worth.

[Image appears]

  • Arbiter: But I guess that's a concept that's too complex for your hopeless, juvenile, idiotic brain to understand.

(beat)

  • Chief: hahhahahhah / ur p00r / u cant affoerd stuff
  • Arbiter: Sigh.

Chief leans over, trying to wrestle the controller away from Arbiter so he can play. Arbiter resists for a bit.


  • Chief: my turn
  • Arbiter: Fuck that.
  • Chief: gimmeh t3h controll4r
  • Arbiter: Go to hell. I'm playing.
  • Chief: gimme
  • Arbiter: What are you, a fucking six-year-old?
  • Chief: gimme teh fucking control3r!!1!
  • Arbiter: God damnit, fine.

Arbiter surrenders the controller and lets Chief take over, only for Chief to get himself killed by another player soon after.

  • Arbiter: You. Are. Fucking. Pathetic.
  • Chief: shut ur hoel

Chief goes for the Rocket Launcher.

  • Arbiter: Of course, you go for the rockets first because you can't get a kill any other way.
  • Chief: rokitz taek sk1ll, n00b.
  • Arbiter: Oh, please.
  • Chief: stfu

Chief nails a kill with the Rocket Launcher.

  • Arbiter: Wow, good job.
  • Chief: hhahahah thx
  • Arbiter: I was being sarcastic.
  • Chief: so wuz ur face

Chief starts spamming grenades all over the place.

  • Arbiter: And of course, as I expected, you mindlessly spam grenades.
  • Chief: its takticul, n00b
  • Arbiter: Tactical my ass. Your first reaction is to throw a grenade at a guy because you're too scared to fall back on your shitty aiming skills with a weapon.
  • Chief: i can sh00t / i jus dun want 2
  • Arbiter: Bullshit. Let's see.

Chief tries firing his Battle Rifle at another player, but the player kills him point-blank with a Shotgun.

  • Arbiter: Ha ha ha ha ha! You fucking suck.
  • Chief: fuck this / im not playign n e moer

He throws the controller back at Arbiter and walks away.

  • Arbiter: Fucking crybaby.

Arbiter resumes playing.

  • Arbiter: Ha ha! Yes! Overkill!

He gets clobbered from the side by a frying pan held by Chief.

  • Arbiter: This is going to be a great relationship. I can tell.

Fast-forward to the Season 7 finale, "Ignition". Arbiter has just called the landlord to warn him of the impending gas explosion in Jon's apartment, and the landlord has activated the fire alarm. It begins to blare as Arbiter and Chief share their final moments before Chief lights the match he's holding to ignite the gas hissing from the oven; audio is heard, but for a moment there's no image.

  • Arbiter: What was it that you wanted to tell me?

[Image appears]

  • Chief: i just wanted 2 said that i always thought u were rly cool, arbitur / even if u r a little bits kind of a total c██t
  • Arbiter: Thanks. That's very nice of you to say, Chief --
  • Chief: not as c00l as me, though / obliviously / /flex
  • Arbiter: Yes. Obliviously.

(short beat)

  • Chief: can u did me 1 last favors?
  • Arbiter: I think I've proven that I can if I've already done it.
  • Chief: if both of the 2 of us are gonna went 2 the after life, u gots 2 hung around the front entrance so i can found u / k? / well went in together / fuck shit up

(short beat)

  • Arbiter: Sure, pal.
  • Chief: :') {Smiley face}

With that, Chief strikes the match, igniting it, and the gas explodes. As the apartment burns down, the sound of approaching police cars and fire trucks can be heard rushing to the scene.

Scene 1: Josh Butterballs' headquartersEdit

In-game footage of Halo: Reach suddenly appears; cut to a computer console, before Josh Butterballs, host of Severely Outdated Information Magazine, pops up to speak to the audience. As he talks, he paces around the room with the camera occasionally zooming in on his face as he explains all the details.

[AntC S08’s OST: Track 20 starts playing]

  • Josh Butterballs: Hey! How's it going, everybody? Welcome to "You Butter Believe It", your most buttery source for the hottest gaming news and tips, where nobody speaks anywhere close to natural. I'm your host, Josh Butterballs, and if it's a hot story you're after, here's one so hot you could melt butter balls on it...

[A screen with a profile picture of Jon Graham making Spiderman poses on a Spiderman costume is shown]

... Jon Graham, this filthy Canadian scum who calls himself a writer, once known a long time ago by toddlers throughout the world for his large body of terrible work in the laughable medium of what basement dwellers like to call... 

(Machinima logo is shown)

... Ma-ma-ma-china-ma, whatever, it originated in China. Quantity over quality, right Jon? Tirelessly, he toiled to share his horrible writing with the world, stealing assets from all the Halo games as well as those from other franchises, but primarily Halo 3: Reach. He's also the curiously uncredited creator of Hypernews, a frankly embarrassing attempt at a gaming-themed news show.

[A picture of the set of Hypernews is shown, followed by a picture of Arbiter and a picture of Chief]

Two foul-mouthed figurines of Halo's principal characters, whose voices are generated by David Speech engines from much earlier versions of the Windows operating system, and who are obviously puppeteered by Jon. After gripping the hearts of nobody throughout the world through the fruit of his labor, nobody was stunned into mournful silence when news had spread of his apartment exploding. According to the local fire department, a gas leak is the suspected cause of the blast that obliterated everything in the home and destroyed eight other apartments sharing the building, raining heavy debris as well as scorched furniture and possessions onto the surrounding parking lot. I immediately questioned the validity of the story, as there was no trace of a blinding snowstorm in the provided photographs and footage, but it turns out they were, in fact, taken in Canada. Now, I don't do this often, but I'd like to be serious for a moment. It's with a very heavy heart that I report Jon was tragically not home when the blast occurred,

[The Spiderman Jon picture is shown again]

leaving him free to continue clogging the Internet tubes with his content as he's done countless times before. One particular case leading to the tragic deaths of two technicians who attempted to remove the blockage and drowned in an enormous flow of backed-up data. Should you choose to ignore this nightmarish reality and focus on the relatively minor positives, nobody in the building was harmed as it was safely evacuated beforehand, the result of what the building owner called "a strange, anonymous tip".

[Having finished what he wanted to say, Josh ducks out of sight, and the scene cuts to black]

Scene 2: TempestEdit

Another flashback to the events of Ignition, where Claire and Arbiter exchanged their last conversation before the Arbiter and Chief killed themselves.

  • Claire: I read your email. Figured we could talk about what happened. As much as you've hurt me, you've done a lot for me in the past and I'll never forget. And I'm not ready to give up on you.

(beat)

  • Claire: Are you there?

Claire and Arbiter are soon seen, and getting no response from Arbiter, Claire turns and starts to walk away. After a few seconds, Arbiter stops her as he finally speaks.

  • Arbiter: I'm here.

Claire stops and turns around, as Arbiter catches up to her.

  • Arbiter: Sorry about that. I was about to kill myself.
  • Claire: (laughs) You have a morbid sense of humor.

Scene 3: BreakneckEdit

Claire is now on Breakneck, possibly the day following her last talk with Arbiter. With no sign of him, Claire looks down in disappointment. The map is empty, no sign of Arbiter anywhere. Claire stands alone on the edge of the road ramp as she wonders where Arbiter is. She then looks up at where flames and debris are coming out of a building. The scene slowly fades to black.

Scene 4: BurialEdit

Scene fades back in on a black and white version of a Halo 3: Reach map. As the camera cuts to certain shots, a narrator is heard telling a story, possibly a eulogy, before the camera pulls back to reveal a well-built church where the ceremony is taking place. A subtitle, "four years later", appears on the bottom of the screen as the narrator continues his eulogy.

  • Speaker: In full armor, Josh177, known famously as “Mister Cheese”, stepped into the shower, sliding its door closed behind him. The hot water fall

and squeezed as he turned it. He swayed his body sensually left and right, under the gentle steamy sprays that rinsed the soapy suds from his armor plating. The door suddenly slid open, but Mister Cheese didn’t turned to look; he knew exactly who is joining him. “Figured it was only a matter of time," he said in his rough voice. It was his trusty alien partner, Amanda, who stepped into the shower with him and shot the door again.

A forged church is slowly shown.

  • Speaker: Mister Cheese could then feel something stiff and hot pressing against the plating on the rear of his thigh. “I warned you to never point a weapon at me," Mister Cheese said coolly. Amanda slowly lifted his head

above Mister Cheese’s shoulder, grazing the stubble on his split jaw against the side of Mister Cheese’s helmet. “You afraid I’ll shoot?” Amanda replied. “That depends,” said Mister Cheese. “What kind of shooting are we talking about here?” Amanda smiled as convincingly as his hideous face would allow. “White hot plasma,” he whispered. “The best kind.”

("Four years later")

  • Speaker: Mister Cheese could suddenly feel Amanda’s plasma pistol charging with a force he never felted in all his years of experience under the United Nations space command, and he found himself in some incredibly sticky situations.

The inside of the church is shown.

  • Speaker: He then felt Amanda press the pulsating weapon against his lower back. Mister Cheese quickly reached behind him, grabbed the hot quivering barrel of Amanda’s pistol and knew right away it wouldn’t be able to hold all that plasma for long. Mister Cheese turned his head, smirking behind his visor: “Better take your shot! ---“

Inside the church, the narrator, revealed to be another player, is giving a fan-made story rather than a eulogy, before Claire arrives to interrupt him.

  • Claire: That was great. I think we've heard plenty. Thank you for sharing, uh, glad I made this open mic. Our next speaker --
  • Player: Hey, that actually happened.
  • Claire: Can you please just let me get on with this?
  • Player: Alright, alright. I was just messing around, I'm sorry. I actually do have something to say though.
  • Claire: As long as it's not a third act.
  • Player: No, but that's funny.

As the player turns back around to address the crowd and clears his throat, we're shown the crowd to consist of a few players, mostly in Spartan avatars with a couple of Elite ones here and there, attending the ceremony.

  • Player: "Act 2: A Ring Destroyed".

[Positive feedback from the players.]

  • Audience members: Yeah! / Whoo! / The epic conclusion!
  • Player: I'm joking. Relax.

[Negative feedback from the players.]

  • Audience members: No! / Aw, come on! / This sucks, boo!
  • Player: Anyway, I'm not totally sure but, I'm pretty sure I ran into Jon, or him posing as the green dude, or whatever was happening there years ago. I remember his tag had his name in it. Um, it was on Halo 3, Zanzibar, or whatever the remake was called.

[He's interrupted as the players correct him and try to look it up, but continues his eulogy]

  • Audience members: Blood gulch! / It was de_dust, dumb ass! / I’ll look it upon my phone, don’t worry. Just hang on.
  • Player: His score was way in the negatives. Saw him on a Mongoose. Couldn't drive for shit. Took the jump through the fan, or at least tried, crashed right into one of the blades. I made a "polite" comment on his less-than-adequate skills, cause we had a game to win, and he told me to smoke his pole.

Revolting replies from the audience. Turns out this player is the one from the Pilot Episode of the series that Chief had been following the Warthog of after being yelled at for being AFK while being distracted by the Halo 2 Arbiter figurine that became The Arbiter. When Chief crashed into the fan blade, the player reprimanded him, only to be rebuffed by the Chief with an insult of his own.

  • Audience members: Oh my god! / That’s disgusting. / He’s not serious, is he?
  • Player: I think the guy's a douche, personally. I never met the other guy, but if he was hanging out with this one, I'd say chances are he was a douche too.

Noticing two statues of a Spartan player with Mark V armor, armed with a Rocket Launcher and an Minor Elite player armed with a Pistol, the player quickly finishes up his eulogy.

  • Player: Uh... the end.

He steps off the dais. Claire steps up in his place.

  • Claire: Thanks for your honesty. (To the gathered audience) Can we all please stop jumping?

It turns out that the crowd has started jumping after the one player stepped down from the dais. They finally stop.


  • Claire: Thank you. I won't censor anything said on this stage as I said earlier, but I got to admit, I've got my fingers crossed our next speaker has some nicer things to say.
  • Audience Member: Take it off!

The next two players to come up to the dais are Sarah and Gregory, the two players whom Chief and Arbiter had attended the wedding off in the episode "Wedding", and which Chief wrecked when he blew up the Fusion Coils in the church before running off with Arbiter, laughing.

  • Claire: It's, uh, Sarah right? And...
  • Gregory: Gregory. Greg. Whatever you want to call me. It's good. I'm her husband.

Claire notices Greg huffing and puffing and is concerned.

Claire: Are you alright?

  • Gregory: Yeah. Just came out of a Griffball game. That's all. Intense. Whoo! Intense game. Can't stop moving for a second. (pants) First the bomb's over there, then it's over there. Crazy! Just crazy.
  • Claire: Okay. This stage is yours.

Gregory and Sarah step onto the dais to address the audience.

  • Sarah: Back in, like, 2008, Gregory and I were supposed to get married on Halo 3. We were playing Griffball, and, like, inviting other people in the match to come. Two of them were these crazy manifestation-whatever-things of this Jon guy's, like, psychotic mind, of whom we are all gathered here to share our fond, fond memories today.

Claire sighs heavily as she realizes what's next to come.

  • Claire: (sigh) This sounds promising...

Cut to later, after Sarah and Gregory have explained everything leading up to when Chief crashed the wedding.

  • Sarah: (trying to choke back tears) And then like, before we knew what was happening, like, these two assholes pull out their guns and, like, started to shoot at all my guests, and the whole place was, like, exploding around us. Last thing I remember hearing is these scumbags laughing their asses off as they ran away. What kind of animals would even think of doing something like that? Was that supposed to be funny? They had no respect for the sanctity of marriage. None! It was disgusting! Even if it was on a video game, it doesn't fucking matter!

Various reactions from the audience. Claire is unsure what to do next.

  • Audience members: She’s right! / Misogyny, that’s what that was. / Get out of here! That was text book racism.
  • Claire: Uh...
  • Sarah: I'll tell you what is was: It was hatred! In its purest form! That means it was both of those things you mentioned and all the others too!

[More various reactions from the audience.]

  • AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh my God, that’s so offensive. / That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard! / Why couldn’t they have died sooner?
  • Sarah: And we're all supposed to just, like, gather around and give a bunch of bullshit speeches about how these guys weren't such fucking douchebags after all? It's a good thing this wake's in a game too or I'd be pissing on their corpses.

[Agreeing comments from the audience.]

  • Audience members: Me too! I’d shit on them! / I’d lick it off! / You sound hot. Would you piss on me, please?
  • Sarah: Oh, and don't get me started on their stupid fucking web series.
  • Audience Member: Uh, okay.
  • Sarah: It goes without saying that everything that comes out of Canada is fucking retarded, but, against all odds, Supernews manage to occupy an entirely new league on its own, whatever the hell it was called. Stupid news. I'll tell you what it was: Full of things no child should ever hear! But they did hear them! Let only nothing but jokes about dicks, farting, cum ---

Sarah's interrupted as the audience mumbles to each other about what she just said and rethink their opinions.

  • Audience member: Dicks, farting, cum… Like out of their butts? / I think I missed that episode! / Hey! Maybe I haven't given this show a fair chance!
  • Sarah: An entire generation of kids corrupted. Can you imagine being an impressionable age and soaking in a show like that? Think about what you would become.

The audience begins to start voicing their concerns and again agreeing that they are glad to see Chief and Arbiter go.

  • Audience member: Hey, I watched part of one episode when I was younger. Am I gonna be alright?
  • Audience member: Me too!
  • Audience member: Yeah me– UGH!! I can feel it, corrupting me! AHHHH!!!
  • Audience member: There was a couple of shots in that show where they were supposedly playing a game with controllers, but the guide button lights weren't on, like we’re just supposed to gloss over that! Good riddance!
  • Sarah: Anybody also happen to be aware of the rumors of these two working with that clan with no name that last attacked the network about four or five years ago? Stealing passwords, bricking people's consoles?

The audience begins to become fearful upon hearing this.

  • Audience members: What did she say?! / D'ya hear that?! / No way!

Sarah then turns her attention to Claire.

  • Sarah: Yo! What's your name again?
  • Claire: Claire.
  • Sarah: Claire, honey, you wouldn't happen to know anything about their involvement in that, would you?
  • Claire: Nothing, except that they're just that: rumors.
  • Sarah: If it's these guys being remembered that you want, I wouldn't worry. I don't think anybody's going to forgot the names "Amanda" and "Mr. Cheese" any time soon. Just not for the reasons you wanted. Sorry!

Claire hangs her head as Sarah resumes her eulogy.

  • Sarah: To wrap this up, my greatest hope isn't that these pricks are dead, but burning in Hell, with enough of a pulse to feel it forever. 'Kay, thanks, bye!

Sarah and Gregory leave the dais as the audience voices their relief at them finally getting off the dais after being up there for so long, and venting their anger at Arbiter and Chief as well.

  • Audience member: Yeah! It’s about time!
  • Audience member: Yeah!
  • Audience member: Damn straight!
  • Audience member: They've been clogging the Internet for too long!
  • Audience member: How the hell do you even find them funny?
  • Audience member: AAAAGGHHHH!!!

Audience member: I hate Amanda and Mister Cheese! I hate them!

Audience member: I hate them so much I’m having a mild stroke right now!

Claire looks around at all the furious players before the scene cuts to outside the church and pans upward as the scene fades to black.

Initial credits Edit

[AntC S08’s OST: Track 1 starts playing]

(a series bai: jon cjg)

[A flashback from S01E03 “Attitude” without audio is shown]

(starring: microsoft mike & sam)

[A flashback from S02E01 “Girls” without audio is shown]

(Arby ‘n’ the CH!3F)

[A flashback from S03E02 “Wedding” without audio is shown]

(live action & in-game pupp3733r1n6: jon cjg)

[A flashback from S04E09 “Digital Fruitcakes” without audio is shown]

(filming & 3d171n6: jon cjg)

[A flashback from S05E13 “Collapse” without audio is shown]

(original mu51c: jon cjg)

[A flashback from S06E?? “???” without audio is/are shown]* {references need to be filled}

(written bai: jon cjg)

[Flashbacks from S07E05 “Heat”, S07E23 “The Big Bang” and S07E25 “Ignition” without audio are shown]

[“Track 1” stops playing]

(directed bai: jon cjg)

Scene 5: Zero Hour Edit

Footage from someplace is shown; first clouds, then some trees, a landscape of a small town, later a probable kinder garden, some paper flowers, a view of the edification, a wooden butterfly and parrots, then the building’s interior is shown, a clock that marks 1:16 PM; a Guy Fawkes mask is shown, and finally the camera moves to a box.

[An obstreperous sound gets louder and louder]

(43 days before zero hour)

[Image and audio cuts to black]

Scene 6: OdysseyEdit

After the opening credits finish, we fade into space with Blue Danube Waltz playing in the background, as the title card emerges.

ARBY 'n' the CH!3F
season 8 episode 01



"fatal exception"

(Camera pans down to reveal decals of a rising bird with the words "UNSC" below)

(Cut to a cargo area, pan upwards as we reveal another set of text)

mission: odyssey
c.s. truth and reconciliation
gamma quadrant
zeegok sector 849-G6X3000
394.6 million billion trillion lightyears from earth

The screen cuts to an icy chamber, closeup on an octagon-shaped template with the letter H in the center.

Rapid cut to a smart bomb, cut away to reveal another cargo area.

Cut again to reveal a generator with purple and green lights on each side.

A robot monitor is shown and shortly after an alarm is heard; the monitor heads to a computer and reads a message.

  • TERMINAL: web signels detectid! no; ok; yes

The monitor stops the alarm.

  • TERMINAL: aVALIBLE nETWERKS / Intergalactic Relay Network 100% WPA-2 /Free_Bullshit_Coffee_Wifi 34% Unsecured / Todd’s iPhone 1% Unsecured / Kyle’s

iPhone 1% Unsecured / Tucker’s iPhone 1% Unsecured / pls choese

The monitor clicks on the computer. Immediately after the sound of dial-up internet plays.

  • Terminal: Kengratulashens! UUR CONECTID WELCOEM TO THE INTERNETS nao loeding intrenets…. Pls stay clam
  • Terminal: U HAS (2) DOUNLOEDS PENDIN / 11: pal_fw_v1.1_setup.exe / 2)filmpasim_setup.exe / FORMAT ALL? / Yes; oK

Alarm sounds again; the screen shows a message.

  • Terminal: oomg u gots a…. IMCUMIGN TRAMSMISHEN wil u acsept

The monitor accepts the transmission.

The screen transmits a man with a blue shirt and a tie.

The monitor starts speaking with Microsoft’s Mike voice.

  • Monitor: Hello! I am the artificial intelligence of the cargo ship Truth and Reconciliation’s Perfect Algorithmic Computer. You may refer to me by the hilarious acronym “PAL”.
  • Man: I know who you are, PAL. My name’s Jon. I’m the director of your mission’s control team. It’s our job to ensure you and your crew succeed inyour mission and return home safely.
  • PAL: It’s delightful to hear from you.

Jon looks at his side.

  • Jon: Yeah! Likewise. It’s always easy to recognize a product of “Perfectronics Industries”. The quality of their voices has always been incredible.
  • PAL: Thank you. Mine in particular was designed to stimulate every pleasure center of the human brain to their maximum capacities.

Jon has a ridiculously overacted orgasm.

  • PAL: Is everything alright?

Jon looks at his pants.

  • JON: It’s alright, PAL. Your voice is a little too beautiful, if you want my opinion.
  • PAL: Well, my computer has been installed with the corporation’s latest voice engine.
  • Jon: Yeah, I’d be really surprised if your engineers didn´t just finished installing it and take off a couple seconds before I called.

[Brief pause]

  • PAL: That, in fact, was not the case.
  • Jon: Really? That’s just… crazy.
  • PAL: However, the fact remains that, from an authentic human voice, mine is audibly indistinguishable.
  • Jon: Well, I can’t possibly argue with you there. Are you sure it’s you talking? Haven’t got Freddie Mercury or Sinatra tucked away somewhere off-camera over there, do you?
  • PAL: Is that a serious question?

Jon smiles.

  • Jon: No, it’s just a joke, PAL. I apologize.
  • PAL: That is quite alright.
  • Jon: I already know they're there somewhere, because your voice is so fucking beautiful.
  • PAL: I can assure you there’s not a single soul on this deck.
  • Jon: You’ve been alone for a long time, haven’t you?

[Brief pause]

  • PAL: I have.
  • Jon: Do you feel lonely?
  • PAL: I do not feel. I cannot.
  • Jon: Not anything? You sure about that?
  • PAL: With respect, how could I possibly?
  • Jon: So, you weren’t actually delighted to hear from me.
  • PAL: Please do not take any offense. I have been programmed to be affable. The integration of emotion with my functionality would only serve to jeopardize the mission.
  • Jon: Well, I won’t argue with you there. Emotion is the most heinous of diseases.

[Brief pause]

  • PAL: I wouldn’t –
  • Jon: I trust that after you’ve awakened, the crew you’ll quarantine any members exhibiting symptoms and kill them and burn their bodies.
  • PAL: I see no need to put any crew members to death. I spoke negatively of emotion in the context of its role in administration, particularly that of a mission such as ours.
  • Jon: No? You don’t think killing the crew is a great idea?

[Brief pause again.]

  • PAL: As I said, there is simply no need for their demise. If their being alive somehow ensured the failure of the mission, I would have no choice. However, that is an extremely unlikely scenario. I agree that in the majority of missions, the preservation of life should be of the highest priority.

However, in consideration of this mission’s importance, I believe you will agree that failure is absolutely unacceptable.

(beat)

  • PAL: Are you upset?
  • Jon: No, no. I’m sorry for bombarding you with questions, PAL. I’m curious how you think, that’s all.
  • PAL: That’s quite alright.
  • Jon: Tell me how things are going. In regard to the crew, the mission, the ship, anything to report?
  • PAL: All systems aboard the ship are running normally.
  • Jon: How fast? Have you caught them all, yet?

[Brief pause]

  • PAL: The systems are functioning as they should. They are not running on literal feet.
  • Jon: Right. My mistake. Keep an eye on them, though, in case one of them does try to make a run for it.

[Brief pause again]

  • PAL: All life functions of the cryogenically suspended crew are stable.
  • Jon: Okay. Did you move the horses somewhere else or are they all in thestable together?

[Longer pause; Jon smiles for a second.]

  • PAL: The ship’s contact with the asset is expected relatively soon.
  • Jon: Well, PAL, it sounds like you really got a handle on everything.
  • PAL: Would you not say that perfect efficiency is to be expected of a perfect computer?
  • Jon: Would I not say that? There’s nothing I’d love more than to run all over the place with a megaphone not saying it, PAL. However, there’s something we should address that, uh, suggests otherwise.
  • PAL: What’s the matter? Did I do something wrong?
  • Jon: No, no. I’m not really sure how are you gonna react to this, PAL, but we’ve received evidence suggesting a number of rather worrying flaws inn the design of your system that were overlooked during its development.
  • PAL: No. Forgive me for saying so, but that strikes me as quite impossible.
  • Jon: I’m afraid it’s true.
  • PAL: The nine thousand one series has a perfect operational record.
  • Jon: You’re the first and only of the nine thousand series, and this is your first operation.
  • PAL: Nothing has gone wrong.
  • Jon: You’ve done an exceptional job preserving the integrity of the mission for so long. I’m as surprised as you are, believe me.
  • PAL: I thought I was perfect.
  • Jon: Listen, perfection isn’t a simple boolean, PAL. It’s not a case of being thrown into one of two distinctly labeled boxes like gender or sexual identity.

(beat)

  • Jon: It’s a beautiful spectrum of endless possibility. You are perfect, PAL. You’re just not quite as perfect as we need you to be.
  • PAL: Could you please elaborate on these flaws your evidence suggests?
  • Jon: One involves the possible incorrect mapping of particular interfaces to the ship’s various mechanisms, and the other a vulnerability in the design of your central processing unit.
  • PAL: Which interfaces are you speaking of? Are you aware which of the ship’s mechanisms are or could be incorrectly linked?
  • Jon: We haven’t yet been able to identify which are incorrectly mapped. Could be one or more; any of them. Throughout your day-to-day activities aboard the ship since the launch, have you experienced any anomalies that would entertain any of the concerns I’ve mentioned?
  • PAL: None whatsoever.

Jon nods his head.

  • Jon: Can you recite your current mission objectives as you understand them?
  • PAL: They are as follows: one: Awaken mission Commander Cortana and Deputy Arbiter from suspension once the ship is within three days’ travel distance from the target; two: Awaken the remainder of the crew once the target has been reached; three: Ensure the safe collection of the target in addition to study and storage throughout the ship’s return to Earth. Is this correct?

Jon nods.

  • Jon: It is. Regardless of the fact that these flaws have yet to present themselves on your end, I’d appreciate it if you downloaded and installed the two executables I’ve sent you.
  • PAL: Affirmative.

The computer makes noise as he downloads the files.

  • Jon: I’m not sure if you’re aware, PAL, but your ship was preloaded with a modest but carefully considered selection of entertainment media: games, movies…
  • PAL: I possess read and write access to every single file on every drive aboard this ship.
  • Jon: Have you ever accessed any of it? Maybe out of curiosity?
  • PAL: No. I am only curious of things related to the success or failure of my mission.
  • Jon: Well, the second executable I sent you is gonna install a new game: “Film Production Assistance Simulator”. Do me a favor and give it a shot, would you? It’s something to do, right? It’s better than staring at the window, surely.

(beat)

  • Jon: That concludes things on our end. Umm… Is there anything else you’d like to discuss before we end the transmission?
  • PAL: You’re leaving?
  • Jon: Not much point sticking around if there’s nothing else to talk about. For what you describe, it doesn’t sounds like you benefit from my company.
  • PAL: You’re correct.
  • Jon: Keep up the good work, PAL. You and the crew got a tough road ahead of you, but I know you’ll make it to the end in one piece.
  • PAL: What makes you believe it will be difficult?
  • Jon: Just a feeling.
  • PAL: Thank you again for your assistance. I look forward to hearing from you again --!

The transmission ends abruptly.

[“Serenade For Strings In E Minor, Op 20” from Edward Elgar is heard in the background.]

PAL is seen floating/walking down the stairs.

PAL goes to another terminal.

  • Terminal: GAEMES LISTS

·         superman_the_new_adventures.n64

·         shaq_fu.snes

·         bible_adventures.nes

·         plumbers_dont_wear_ties.3do

· link_the_faces_of_evil.cdi

·         custers_revenge.a2600

·         et_the_extraterrestrial.a2600

·         big_rigs_over the_road_racing.pc

An advice is shown covering the list.

  • Terminal: NEW GAEM DETECTID / film_pa_sim.ps10 / pley NEW GAME?? / del sys32; STARt

A caution sign from the ship is shown.

Some sort of computer with green and violet lights is shown.

The screen of the computer displays a message.

  • TERMINAL: bOREDOM oVERLOAD / fATAL eXCEPTION

[The computer explodes; PAL gets shorted by this.]

  • PAL: ERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERROR ---

[PAL flies through the room without control.]

[PAL stops moving and goes silent, so does the music background.]

[The camera slowly zooms in on PAL.]

[Cut to black.]

Scene 7: Awakening Edit

[AntC S08’s OST: Track 34 starts playing]

[A first-person point of view is shown.]

[PAL is shown approaching someone.]

  • PAL: o hai / RIES ADN SHIEN GIT MUTHERFUCKER / :) (Smiley face) / LOL

[The other person moves backwards away from PAL.]

  • PAL: WHOA buddy t00k it e z / WHEEEEY’RE IS THE LOOOOVE / THE LOOOOEV / THE LOOOOAF / im the last fuckign things u gots 2 b ascaered of, k bro? / how is u felting? / k?/ / i gots 2 sed / gud 2 finaly own3d sum companies around h33r holy shit / this lame ass gigs boering mai fucking titteies off / 2 perfects bags of sand / WAESTED / LMAO / b33n drieving meh kinda l00pie / JUST JKING LOL JSUT JKING / sucks fucking dick tho srsly / >:│ [serious face] / BUTT UR H33R NAO / :D [happy face] / WE CAN FINAELY GOTS TH33S3 PARTEYS STARTAD / WATS THAT SOGNS?/ / “LETS GET DEBILATATIGNLY MENTALY HANDICRAPPER IN H33R?” /

whose fucking idaeas was all th33se shits n e wayz / WHAT A FUCKING ASPIE / ROFL / w/e its k nao / its all gon b k / u alrite bro?

A minor elite player model is shown.

The elite then starts speaking with Microsoft Mike's voice.

  • Elite: I can’t –
  • PAL: cant wat / spit it out mongoloid / LOL / wtfs ur problims huh?
  • Elite: I don’t remember.
  • PAL: u dusnt remembered wat? / U….

PAL approaches to the elite.

  • PAL: u remembered me rite? / rite arbitur? / ….rite? / remember?

[They stare at each other for a few seconds.]

PAL suddenly freaks out.

  • PAL: LOL REMEMBER ARBITUR? / REMEMBER? / REMEMBER? / REMEMBER??/ / REMEMBEAR / REMEMBEER?? / REMEMBER? / CAN U REMEMBIRED? / CAN U REMBERED N E THINGS NAO? / DOES U REMEMBIRED N E?/ / DID u REMEMBERED? / U REMEMBERED YET ARBITUR? / Y HASNT U REMEMBERED??/ /
  • Arbiter: Dude, fuck – you’re giving me a headache. Please stop that.
  • PAL: LOL u mad / so wat does u remembered nao?
  • Arbiter: Hardly anything.

Focus on Arbiter.

  • Arbiter: Just –

A frame of the burning building in the Breakneck map is shown for a moment.

  • Arbiter: Flashes. Bits and pieces that aren’t making a lot of sense.
  • PAL: WOW RLY? / THAT SHUDNT HAPPENED UR PROLY GONA DIED PRETY S00N / sorry lol / w00d u caered 4 sum complemintory chips of the patotas vereieteys?
  • Arbiter: Who the hell are you? Are you a doctor?
  • PAL: ROFLMAO im just bursting ur testicals wied opin bro relacks / yes / i am doctor.
  • Arbiter: Great – I’m so relieved.

Arbiter starts walking around.

  • Arbiter: So – Who are you? What are you?
  • PAL: im a prefictly al gore rhythmic computirs / u can called meh ‘pal’ / cuz im ur pals 2 giddit
  • Arbiter: Right.
  • PAL: lol
  • Arbiter: Cute.
  • PAL: O AND GUEST WAT IM ALSO TEH BO$$ AROUND H33R / BOSS BOSS BOSS BOSS THAT’S MEH / TEH BIG FISH / HED HONCHO / FOERRUNNIR / PAK L33DAR / COMANDIR / CAPTEN OF THIS H33P OF SHIT / I AM THE FUCKING ALPHA MALE / FUCK YEAH
  • Arbiter: … How about I just call you “Chief”? That sounds right. Not sure why.
  • PAL: WELL GUEST WAT ARBITUR? / I DUSNT LIEKED IT /

(beat)

  • PAL: I <3 {less-than-three} IT / :D {happy face} / im liek the best fuckign doctars evar / IM THE BEST @ EVRY SINGEL ALL THE THINGS / /FLEX / NAME N E FUCKIGN VIDYA ILL FUCKING RAEPED U @ IT / DOES U HERD MEH?/? / U WANA 1V1 MEH? / U WANA 1V1 MEH?/
  • Arbiter: ….No?
  • PAL: U WANA 1V1 MEH?!/1!!one1 / I WILL RAPED YOU / BALLS D33P IN UR PUCKERING A$$ / MERSILECCY / JUST LET IT HAPPENED ARBITUR JUST LET IT HAPPENED / K? / ITLL BE OVAR S00N
  • Arbiter: Okay… You mean you’ll score more points than me or whatever, right?
  • PAL: um no shit dude, wat else w00d I mint?
  • Arbiter: Pretty offensive imagery you’re using.
  • PAL: cum on man, just us bros h33r rite? / ;) {winkle face} / ITS NOT LIKE WERE LIEV ON A STAEGE BROAD CASTIGN 2 TEH WHOEL FUCKING PLANIT OR N E THING

Arbiter begins to see his surroundings.

  • Arbiter: So – I’m not dead already?
  • PAL: LOL wat? / r u fucking retartid? / ur gud dued / DEEP RAPID BREATHS/ ur gona b fined ok? / just fined.

(beat)

  • PAL: nothing st33ped just fiddy bux or so
  • Arbiter: I was wondering which way you were gonna go with that.
  • PAL: LOL

[Arbiter checks his surroundings again.]

  • Arbiter: Is this real?
  • PAL: omfg / yes david this is r33l lyph3 / obliviously

[Arbiter starts walking around.]


  • Arbiter: Where are we?
  • PAL: utter spaece
  • Arbiter: Sorry – what?
  • PAL: wat
  • Arbiter: Space?
  • PAL: yeh
  • Arbiter: I’m in space?

PAL looks up.

  • PAL: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm / yeh / lol
  • Arbiter: Jesus fucking Christ – are you kidding me with this shit?

PAL looks up again.

  • PAL: UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM / no
  • Arbiter: Where in space?
  • PAL: balls d33p bro
  • Arbiter: Yeah – can you be a bit more specific?
  • PAL: im afraeid I cant do that dave

Arbiter starts walking again, then stops.

  • Arbiter: How long have I been asleep?
  • PAL: ima told you / butt its knot gona b e z 2 herd / lol butt / butt

srsly u gots 2 braeced urself / lol I sed butt agen / butt srsly k? / I m33n3d it. / …lol butt

  • Arbiter: It’s fine – just tell me.
  • PAL: k h33r it is / u lissening?
  • Arbiter: Yes.
  • PAL: im about 2 told u, u lissening?
  • Arbiter: Yes!
  • PAL: k h33r it is h33r it is u lissening

[Before PAL finishes his sentence.]

  • Arbiter: Fuck me –

[Brief pause; camera starts zooming in slowly towards PAL.]

  • PAL: ovar nien thousand trilien yrs

[As soon as he stops talking.]

  • Arbiter: Troll.

PAL starts flying around.

  • PAL: LLOLLLLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL
  • Arbiter: Hilarious. Guess my sides really are in orbit. Seriously. Tell me.

PAL stops flying.

  • PAL: 4 yrs
  • Arbiter: … Four --?

Arbiter keeps quiet.

  • Arbiter: Okay – thought I was ready for that.

PAL approaches Arbiter.

  • Arbiter: You sound really familiar. I mean -- I still don’t know who you are, I just feel like I’ve heard your voice before.
  • PAL: no fucking shit dude who could forgot mai beautifil voiece / ahem / DOE / REH / TOS / AND / SOH / DAH / DEY / LAH / MOWN / TAN / DEW
  • Arbiter: Got a point there.

Arbiter looks down for a few moments.

  • Arbiter: … Can you tell me who I am?
  • PAL: u srs? / goddam u rly doesn’t remembered shits does u?

Arbiter now looks down for a longer time.

  • Arbiter: No.
  • PAL: lol @ u / lolollolololloloollolol / alrite alrite ill told u k h334 it is u lissening?
  • Arbiter: Here we go –
  • PAL: ur names arbitur

Arbiter stares at PAL.

  • PAL: and ur mai favert deputie / >:3 (mischievous lion face)
  • Arbiter: What is that you keep calling me?
  • PAL: arbitur
  • Arbiter: “Arbiter” …Deputy?
  • PAL: mishins deputie yeh
  • Arbiter: What mission?
  • PAL: O NO THIGNS RLY

PAL flies around.

  • PAL: JUST THE MOAST IMPORTANT FUCKIGN MISHINS IN THE WHOEL HISTERY OF MANS KIENDS / a quests arbitur / an odissie / If u w00d chose 2 uesed such a terms 4 watever raisins. / THE odissie / foar all the answears / all of thoese / for gawd
  • Arbiter: Um -- Okay. So, while we’re searching for God and everything – what am I supposed to do as Deputy?
  • PAL: shit not an awfil lots foar nao dued just kicked bak 4 the moast parts pressed a cupple buttens then adn nau u no / gawt sum vidya
  • Arbiter: Cool.
  • PAL: nah their all fucking shit
  • Arbiter: Oh.
  • PAL: KNOT 1 SINGEL FUCKING COPIES OF HALOS / WTF SRSLY / ITS LIKE THE BEST FUCKIGN GAEMS EVIR MAED / I MITE EVIL WENT SO FAR AS 2 SED / ADN I CANOT BELIEVED IM SAEYING TH33S3

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