← "Armor Deep" "Growing Pains" "The Great Evil" →

Transcript Edit

The game cupboard is seen opening. Pan across the N64 games to Ocarina of Time. Cut to Arbiter looking at the game.

  • Arbiter: [beat] Today will be a good day.

Arbiter starts carrying the cartridge to the TV. Chief shows up in front of him.

  • Chief: WOA WOA / im g0nna n33ded u 2 hold on 4 one singel secinds buster / I dusnt c master cheef n e wer on taht cartridge / ur doing wrong bro
  • Arbiter: No, Master Chief isn't on this. He isn't on the cover of Reach either. What's your point?
  • Chief: uh yeh he is / thers liek fiev mastur cheefs on it / r u fucking blind? lol
  • Arbiter: You're a retard.

Arbiter keeps walking.

  • Chief: y does u have such a hard on 4 oak arena of tiem dued srsly / its liek srsly teh worst fuckign gaem evar made / seriously dude / srsly

Arbiter stops and looks at him.

  • Arbiter: Seriously? You're serious?
  • Chief: l00k @ this face / >:I [serious face] / WAT DOES U THOT?
  • Arbiter: [sarcastically] You should have just told me that you were serious to begin with. From henceforth I will now agree with all of your opinions unquestioningly. Consider me a crushed sponge tossed into the vat of your verbal diarrhea.
  • Chief: I doesnt thot taht its too much 2 axe arbiter
  • Arbiter: I consider this to be the definitive adventure game. A debatable belief, I realize.

Chief: no shit

  • Arbiter: Many would argue Link to the Past to be the superior Zelda title.
  • Chief: adn every gaem evir
  • Arbiter: But to each their own. Today's the day of my annual Ocarina playthrough. You're welcome watch if you want to.
  • Chief: ur well come 2 suck mai balls b4 I smashed th3m w/ a hammers 'cause tahts wut id rather does than watch u played taht overrated hipster trash
  • Arbiter: It may sound stupid but I feel as though it has this magical aura. The cartridge, I mean.
  • Chief: majikal orah? LOL / wtf r u talking abot queerhawk?
  • Arbiter: I know Jon would probably agree with me on this as Zelda and Sonic were the games that pretty much defined his childhood. In this era of non-physical media, downloadable content and financial micro-transactions, I find it immensely gratifying to be able to hold such a pure and rewarding video game experience in my hands.
  • Chief: I f33l the saem ways about titties bro / ecksquizit / liek bags of only teh fienest sands
  • Arbiter: Technology has advanced rapidly in a relatively short space of time, but humans haven't kept up. And you haven't kept up with human beings.
  • Chief: no u
  • Arbiter: The bottom line is that we're still physical beings in a physical world. We need to touch things. Especially things that I buy.
  • Chief: lol / yeh ill bet u does u fucking pervert
  • Arbiter: Ya know, I think I know pretty much everything there is to know about this game. I bet I could answer any question thrown at me about it.
  • Chief: h33rs 1 / who gives a flying fuck? no 1 gives a fuck abot hao much u knew about a gaem taht came otu a millien fuckign yeers ago / it dusnt helped a single ppls, including u / all thoes infurmashins r compl33tly fucking useless / congratulashuns dumass
  • Arbiter: Where the fuck do you get off speaking to me about acting for the benefit of others? What information have you accumulated that's been of so much use to yourself and others throughout your non-stop days of Halo and jerking off? Besides for to score a negative K/D and find the clitoris.
  • Chief: LOL ur mothirs pretty :D [happy face] about taht
  • Arbiter: Grow up already will you.
  • Chief: srsly u no wat i does that's useful? i supported progress / i dusnt c meh still plehing halo combat dissolved does u? u no y? cuz its old as fuck and fucking sux ass nao / adn as s00n as i has halo foar in mai hands, reech can fucked a duck / newer equals bettar
  • Arbiter: No it doesn't.
  • Chief: w/e mai point is taht i spent mai tiem playing new shit and u spend urs lerning every little detail abot an old ass kids gaem as if u thot it maed u speshil

Arbiter sadly lowers his head.

  • Chief: IT DIDNT / no 1 gives a shit about ur ossim possum gaem fax faggit / adn they still woodnt wen its gaem ovar and ur died and goen / which isn't fucking far off frum either of us / mebbeh its u who gots 2 grow up already / jeesus Christ / lol

Chief walks off to Jon's bed. Arbiter sadly stares at the Ocarina cartridge and pauses before putting it back with the other games and closing the cupboard.

Credits roll. The end.