← "Genesis" "Hard End" "TOSERS" →


Scene 1: Jon's BathroomEdit

Arbiter is seen sitting in the bath tub with a glass of whiskey. Chief is heard outside the room.

  • Chief:: ARBITUR? / wth r u jizzstain?
  • Arbiter:: Here we go.

Chief opens the door and comes in.


Chief climbs onto the side of the tub.

  • Chief:: LOL / gess ur a fag
  • Arbiter:: I'm Master Chief: "I have extremely limited comprehension skills and therefore unable to form an opinion worth considering. I disagree with you. Homophobic slur. Homophobic slur".
  • Chief:: Im arbitur / i suk dicks
  • Arbiter: Check and mate. Go away.
  • Chief:: O R U DRINKING? :0 [surprised face] / omg im so fucking surpriesed / this is such a surpriesing surpriese arbitur
  • Arbiter:: And yet I can still outwit you. Doesn't that tell you something? Now take a hint already, will you? I don't wan't company.
  • Chief:: st0p beign such a littel bitch
  • Arbiter:: I'm not being a little bitch... I've just realized the cold truth.
  • Chief: wats that? wat is TRUTH?
  • Arbiter:: ... Human beings have the benefit of the doubt... Maybe they're here for a reason. Or maybe this is all a cosmic accident. We're entirely artificial... there's nothing for us. Just this... shuffling around, playing video games day-in and day-out. Our lives don't mean a fucking thing.
  • Chief:: mien does
  • Arbiter:: ... Is that so?
  • Chief:: im h33r 2 raeped everyb0dy @ reech / >:D [mischievious face]
  • Arbiter:: So that's it? That's your grand purpose? Your reason for being? To be the very best at a single piece of software? Despite the fact that you're the absolute worst at it?
  • Chief:: tahts bullshit adn u noes it
  • Arbiter:: Yeah, only because of me.
  • Chief:: N0 ME / and its a pr3tty b3as7 purpose if u axe meh
  • Arbiter:: I really envy you. Did you know that?
  • Chief: wuts that m33n?
  • Arbiter:: It means that I'm jealous of you.
  • Chief:: y wouldn't any1 be JELLIS of meh? im fucking awesome
  • Arbiter:: You may be living in a little box but you're content with it. You don't know any better and you don't even care. It must be bliss. I've always wanted more. Always wanted to dig deeper... But I've dug to far now... I've hit the hard end, seen the irrelevance of all endeavor. And I just can't put it out of my head. 
  • Chief:: k w/e imma g0 apply 4 that mod thign u gonna cum? lol CUM / does u heared wut i sed?
  • Arbiter/: Yes and I already told you I'm not interested. Game police sounds like the most stupid shit ever.
  • Chief:: fien stay and drink moar then
  • Arbiter:: Why do you give a hoot if do this with you or not?
  • Chief:: omg i dunt caer i wuz just wandering
  • Arbiter:: Bugger off then.
  • Chief:: whiny vagina / if ur so :( [sad face] y don't u just kills urself alredy? lolololol
  • Arbiter:: Get out.
  • Chief:: PUSSY
  • Arbiter:: Asshole.
  • Chief;: if ur s0 smrt and thers no point in anythign wats teh point of crying abot it?

Chief leaves the room.

Opening credits roll.

Scene 2: PowerhouseEdit

Several players are seen waiting in a line outside the main building. Kevin walks up and joins them.

  • Kevin: Everyone's here for the mod recruitment thing, right?

The player in front of him just turns and looks at him and turns back around.

  • Kevin: Hello? Do you have a mike?

Kevin goes to another player.

  • Kevin: Are you here for TOSER enforcement?

All the players just ignore him.

  • Kevin: Can any of you guys hear me?

Cameron Jones and Cody Hammond join the line.

  • Kevin: Are you guys here to be TOSERS?
  • Cameron: We were born TOSERS, junior. Please tell me that's not why you're here.
  • Kevin: What do you mean?
  • Cody: How old are you little dude?
  • Kevin: I don't see how that's relevant.
  • Cody: This organization needs professionals who know what they're doing. Not kids from kindergarten play time.
  • Cameron: How 'bout you just grab a juice box and play some Hot Wheels.
  • Kevin: I'm thirteen.
  • Cameron: ...And?
  • Cody: I like how he said that. Like it gave him some ground to stand on.
  • Kevin: Excuse me. Have I done something to offend you guys?
  • Cody: Yeah, you opened your mouth.
  • Kevin: Yeah I may be young but we're not all idiots okay. I believe I'm fully capable.
  • Cody: Of course you do. You're a stupid disillusioned kid like the rest.
  • Kevin: Tell you what if I pose a problem and they reject me I'll leave without a fuss. Sound good?
  • Cameron: When? Not if.

A TOSERS moderator walks out of the building.

  • TOSERS moderator: Alright, listen up! Welcome the Terms of Service Enforcment/Response Squad recruitment server. I assume that's why you're all here. We are now taking another batch of players so single file if you'd please-

The players excitedly clammer into the the building. Kevin tries to go in with Cameron and Cody, but the moderator steps in front of him.

  • TOSERS moderator: Sorry, max capacity, you'll have to wait.
  • Kevin: But those last two guys joined after me.
  • TOSERS moderator: Cry about it. We'll get you in with the next batch.

Kevin turns around waits. The moderator goes inside. Kevin waits a few minutes.

  • TOSERS moderator: Hey we've had a guy quit-out on us! We can take one more!

Kevin turns to head in. Chief runs up.


Chief runs in front of Kevin.

  • Kevin: Hey, I've been waiting, dude. I'm next.
  • Chief: QQ FAGGIT / ROFL

Chief runs inside. Chief goes upstairs to the other players.

  • Chief: wats ^ [up] dick lickars? this is teh plaec wer u g0 2 b a mod rite? maek meh a m0d plz
  • Cameron: Oh my god. Really?
  • Cody: Unbelievable, speak 'n spell is back.
  • Chief: ROFL ur th0se 2 faries from taht dumass weddign / haos ur liefs b33n since i fucked up ur shit / HAHAHA i remembar taht / lol u remembir that?
  • Cameron: You were cheating.
  • Cody: Yeah and thanks for the ban by the way, major piss off.
  • Chief: yw [you're welcome] :3 [ lion face] / y r u gaiz h33r n e ways? you'll nevar get in u gaiz suck ballz
  • Cameron: Hey this little green guy over here was using severe hacks online! Doesn't that disqualify him or something?
  • Cody: You definetly don't want this guy he's a liability.
  • Chief: n0 ur a liabiblity
  • TOSERS moderator: We're taking in banned players regardless of the violation committed. It's part of the rehabilitation type thing to reinforce lawful play, if they qualify and show promise of change.
  • Cameron: Well, how about on the grounds that there's probably an infant smashing his head off a keyboard of an old IBM on the other side of that microphone?
  • Chief: wat is i b m?
  • TOSERS moderator: Okay, quiet please. Again, welcome to TOSERS, everyone. Here's what's going to happen: All of you will be pitted against each other in a free for all, standard slayer. The top three players will be accepted for individual interviews by the administrator of basic division.
  • Cameron: Well, that's a relief. Even if you place third, which I pretty much doubt, you still don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting in when they see how retarded you are.
  • Chief: lol i was just gona sez the saem things 2 u gaiz
  • TOSERS moderator: Shut up please. The rest of you will be rejected. Apologies in advance but for obvious reasons we need moderators that can put up a decent fight against violators if need be. I'll be supervising the match and if anybody has a problem you can come to me. Questions?
  • Chief: ya can we skip all this shit? IM TEH BEST / TEH BEST AROWND / AND NOTHIGNS GONNA K33P MEH DOWN / except ur mom / lololololol / just fucking maek meh a mod alredy
  • Cameron: Just can it, already!
  • TOSERS moderator: Absolutely not. You'll compete with the others. One more thing: It may be just a bunch of hot air, we're not sure, but I've been told to warn you about a possible hacker threat. A few bad apples have threatened to go on a frag'n'ban spree. They claim that if they kill you then you're off the network and you're not getting back on without a new account and console. But, as I said, it could be a bluff, and the chance of them landing themselves in your match are almost nil, plus I'll be supervising, but stay on your toes. Good luck gentlemen, may the best players win.

Scene 3: BreakpointEdit

A player is seen driving around in a Warthog, very badly. Another player stands firing his DMR. Chief walks out of a tunnel behind the player and sprays him with his Assault Rifle.


The player dies.

  • In-game voice: Revenge!
  • Chief: :) [smiley face]

Cody runs up and shotguns him.

  • Chief: :( [sad face]

Chief re-spawns, runs out of a building, and gets sniped by Cameron almost instantly.

  • Chief: >:( [angry face]
  • Cameron: What was that about us sucking balls?
  • Chief: dude im not evin trying / srsly dude / im not evin trying rite nao dude
  • Cody: Oh, you hear that? He's not even trying right now. That's why he's doing so bad.
  • Cameron: Oh, oh, okay. I get it. He's sucking on purpose, I see. That totally makes sense.
  • Chief: im just geting warmed up mother fuckers
  • TOSERS moderator: Hey!

Chief stops and sees the moderator nearby.

  • TOSERS moderator: You are here to uphold the terms of service, aren't you? Stop talking trash.
  • Chief: wtfs the point of onlien then?
  • TOSERS moderator: No swearing, please.
  • TOSERS moderator: You're pushing it, robocop. Speak out of line one more time and I'm disqualifying you.
  • Chief: wats taht m33n?
  • TOSERS moderator: Seriously? It means I'll throw your ass out of here.
  • Chief: :( [sad face] no / no k?
  • TOSERS moderator: Get moving then. Play nice.

Chief runs off. The moderator sees Kylie approaching him.

  • TOSERS moderator: I don't remember seeing you in the recruitment server. Did you just join?
  • Kylie: Mmm hmm.
  • TOSERS moderator: You do know this is a terms of service recruitment match right?
  • Kylie: Oh my god really? We hit the jackpot.
  • TOSERS moderator: Are you here to apply?
  • Kylie: Certainly not. For some reason I find the idea of being labeled a "tosser" less than ideal.
  • TOSERS moderator: Then, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
  • Kylie: No problem. As soon as we clean up here we'll be on our merry way.
  • TOSERS moderator: Who's "we"?

Duncan and Adam walk up behind the moderator.

  • Duncan: Good evening.
  • Adam: [laughs] They even have little cop badge emblems. Gay much?
  • TOSERS moderator: If you want to keep your online privileges I suggest you keep the dialogue friendly.
  • Adam: Better ban me then, bitch!
  • TOSERS moderator: [beat] Have it your way.

A beeping noise is heard as the ban is submitted.

  • TOSERS moderator: So long kid, twenty four hour ban. Do yourself a favor and learn from it.

Meanwhile Chief comes around a corner and sees Cameron and Cody watching with their backs to him.

  • Chief: byyyee byye bitches / ya bitches byyyyye eeeeey eeeeeeeaaay
  • Cameron: Shhh...
  • Chief: wut r u qeefs doing?
  • Cody: Shut up for a second!

Chief joins them and watches the scene with the moderator play out.

Adam just stares at the moderator, unaffected by the ban.

  • TOSERS moderator: What the hell?

He tries to re-administer the ban, but it has no effect.

  • Duncan: Problem there?
  • Adam: [laughs]

Clyde is seen walking up behind the moderator.

  • Adam: There you go, permanent ban! Do us a favor and learn who the hell you're fucking with!

Clyde shoots the the moderator to death with his magnum.

  • Chief: hahahaha

Clyde lowers his magnum starts walking away.

  • Clyde: Disperse. Enjoy yourselves.
  • Adam: Hell yeah!

The hackers go their separate ways.

  • Cameron: Damn, these are probably the guys.
  • Chief: omg that was ossim

Cameron and Cody go running.

  • Chief: :( [sad face] w8 4 meh

Chief takes off after them.

  • Chief: u gaiz? u guys srsly / srsly u gaiz omg
  • Cody: Maybe this is part of a test. I'm not gonna risk quitting, I want this job!

They stop inside of a wide tunnel.

  • Chief: im gonna waste them
  • Cody: Oh, you're gonna waste them, huh?
  • Cameron: If you're wrong we could lose everything. Are you sure you wanna take that chance?
  • Duncan: Can't take a chance if you don't have one.

The three turn around and see Duncan blocking one end of the tunnel.

  • Adam: I wouldn't quit out if I were you either. It'd be just as bad if we capped your asses. [laughs]

Adam is seen blocking the other end of the tunnel.

  • Duncan: Only way out is to last until the match expires. And you've still got another four minutes to go.
  • Chief: die bitch

Chief empties his Assault Rifle into Duncan but it has no effect.

  • Duncan: Non-degrading overshields. It'll take a few more magazines than that.
  • Cameron: Look, please don't perma-ban us. Okay?
  • Cody: I'll be straight up with you guys: I don't have much else other than this. I play professionally, struggling at the moment though. I couldn't afford a new system.
  • Cameron: Ban the green dude!
  • Chief: fuck you
  • Adam: Oh my god, dude, this is fun as hell! Like shooting fish in a barrel over and over and over again!

Arbiter assassinates Adam and aims a charging plasma pistol.

  • Adam: Oh, goddammit!
  • Arbiter: Get down!

Chief and the others crouch down and Arbiter fires the plasma at Duncan, depleting his overshield instantly.

  • Duncan: Fuck!

Duncan fires a rocket. Arbiter sidesteps at shoots Duncan with a magnum, killing him. The rocket misses and kills the player in the Warthog. Cameron looks at Arbiter.

  • Cameron: You!
  • Arbiter: Yeah.

Arbiter reloads his magnum.

  • Arbiter: And if you bitches want to get through this in one piece I suggest you deal with it.

Credits roll. The end.