"Hypermail" "A Scientific Fax" →


Arbiter is seen on the Hypernews set.

  • Arbiter: What's going on, guys? I'm the Arbiter. I'm here with my co-host Master Ch-
  • Chief: no im ur hoast

Chief is seen nearby.

  • Arbiter: Are we actually gonna go over this again, Chief?
  • Chief: as long as u k33p forgetign lol / dunt forget k? k arbitur? / k
  • Arbiter: If it's that important to you ,fine. You can be the host, Chief. Welcome to Hypermail-
  • Chief: i allways waz bitch / i wasnt axing u 4 permishens
  • Arbiter: Here we'll be answering questions from fans in between the episodes of our main shows sixth season. If you'll pardon the crack in the fourth wall.
  • Chief: arbitur loves cracks
  • Arbiter: Nice, Chief. Next week there will be a season trailer followed by the premiere episode the next week, then Hypermail again.Then we'll alternate between the main show and this 'til the seasons end. Sound cool?

The Hypermail siren goes off and papers come down the chute.

  • Chief: taht sound is fuckign annoying

Arbiter grabs some mail.

  • Arbiter: Chief? You wanna read the first one?

Chief goes over.

  • Chief: gimme / and dont throw it this tiem

Arbiter hands Chief a paper.

  • Chief: spank u

Chief sits down.

  • Chief: k scootch in gaiz / this mails is from martin / lets c wat he's gots 2 sae / "Dear Arby and Chief. My name is Martin. I was wondering witch is the best fps game of all time? Also, what's your opinion on witch is bettter: Call of Duty series or Battlefield series? Thanks for reading. Best regards, Martin." / r33ch is teh best first persin sh00tar of all tiem / look ^[up] teh r3lees daet if u dunt beleev meh / two thousinds and 10 / c? its the newist 1 / told u / and 2 anser ur other quest chin / niether / cuz camp of dooty adn battelfield r both terrible gaems / does u no hao many ther r? 2 / cuz all u do is run around and shoot / wat great gaems / have fun pretendign 2 enjoy ur shitty gaems martin / hao about ur shitty gunz? enjoy ur shitty gunz 2 martin / hao about u just get r33ch and jump into teh real fucking fight martin / remember reech / lol remember?
  • Arbiter: He didn't say he plays either.
  • Chief: gud cuz they suck lol
  • Arbiter: I'm actually looking forward to the new ones. It may be a bit uninspired but you can't denie that Battlefield 3 looks impressive. And I enjoy COD.
  • Chief: u wud u clos3d minded fuck / mebbeh if u tried being good @ halo and acshely think about it insted of lehign liek a retart mebbeh ud c y nothign else even compaers
  • Arbiter: I'm good at Halo. And I'm willing to bet everything that I have a better understanding of the games than you do.

Chief gets up.

  • Chief: bitch plz / im teh halo mastar / u get down on ur fucking knees when u talk 2 meh about halo / go on / GET DOWN
  • Arbiter: Says the guy who thinks you still play as Master Chief in Reach.
  • Chief: who teh hell else w00d it b dipshit? metroid? hes from taht stuped gay cube gaem / w/e its called i dunno
  • Arbiter: Metroid.
  • Chief: No thats teh robot
  • Arbiter: What the fuck are you talking about?
  • Chief: teh thing 2 taek away frum this martin is taht reech is teh best fps and fuck everthign else / i daer u 2 pnt out a gaem w/ tighter graffix / ill wait /[beat] c? u cant / told u
  • Arbiter: Crysis?
  • Chief: SHUT UP ARBITUR / i ment 1 taht doesnt suck / mebbeh i should B moar specifics
  • Arbiter: How can you call me closed minded when you think everything blows except Halo?
  • Chief: duh cuz everything does blow exept hal0 / just fuckign accept it alredy

Chief sits back down.

  • Chief: ur turn
  • Arbiter: Thanks for watching the show, Martin-
  • Chief: YEAH YEAH / next 1
  • Arbiter: Drop the attitude.
  • Chief: ill drop u
  • Arbiter: You try it, mother fucker.

Arbiter picks up som mail.

Arbiter: This one's from Master 3244."Hey,guys. You know how Samus in Metroid is actually a girl but all those cool moves and sweet tricks led us to believe that he was a guy at first? What if under Chief's helmet is just a very attractive woman with a fowl mouth?" [to Chief] See? Samus. Not Metroid. And no damn robots.

  • Chief: samus is from that serious samus gaem u dumass
  • Arbiter: You're a moron. And to answer your question, 3244. I wouldn't react. Because with the amount of dicks that Chief draws I've figured that that's exactly the case If you catch my drift. But probably not that attractive.
  • Chief: wtf? im n0t a woman / im big strong man and i <3 titties / adn dont be haeting on mai dicks / mai dicks r teh shit / ur just jellis cuz i can fuckign draw
  • Arbiter: Whatever,Chief. And I won't deny you're a better artist than me. I'm not that great.
  • Chief: u meen not great @ all rite? is taht wut u mint? lol arbitur thats wut u ment rite? cuz u cant draw peried hahahahaha
  • Arbiter: Whatever.
  • Chief: u fucking suck LOL
  • Arbiter: Okay,Chief.
  • Chief: roflololololol
  • Arbiter: Shut up! There's more to this e-mail,Chief. For you specificly."Chief, why don't you just glue a small stick of wood in place of your foot so you can be a gay pirate like god intended to be?"
  • Chief: [beat] n0 need mastar 3244 / i gots both mai feets back / C? and i am a pirate / im not gay tho / ask arbiturs m0m / she walks mai plank if u no wut i m33n hahhahhahaha
  • Arbiter: You're funny. Thanks for your Hypermail, Master 3244.

Chief grabs a paper.

  • Chief: this mails fr0m john / n0t stuped Jon / diffrent john / w/ a H / "Hey, Chief, I have a question. How can you be be so proo in HALO 3? I like how u lock all the time with armor lock and ooh your aim is soooo good :D" thx bro / srsly im liek so fucking gud @ aemign nao / i can kill liek i million gaiz in 1 single seconds acshely / and armer lok taeks lots of strategies 2 use and im so good w/ it nao / if u want 2 be pro liek meh ill give u som tips / u redy? u redy foar mai tips? ud bttter rite th33se bitchez down / butt not on paper itll catch on fiar cuz these tips r hot hot hot / tip #1 trai 2 aim as gud as u can / if u aem rly g00d u will kill ur enamas pretty easy / tip #2 alwaeys use armer lock / its teh best gun in teh whoel gaem and also taeks strategie / [beat] i gess tahts all teh tips i gots 4 u gaiz rite nao / use them wisely / they can b vereh dangerous in teh wrong hands ok?
  • Arbiter: [sarcastically] Good of you to share those tips, Chief. Sealed within the legendary vaults of the mind of the Halo master. Never to be unleashed... until this day.
  • Chief: ware gloves wen u handle mai tips k? that shit is caeressive
  • Arbiter: Corrosive. Thanks for watching the show, John.
  • Chief: 1 love bro

Arbiter reads some mail.

  • Arbiter: This Hypermail is from CJ. "Dear Chief. Why do you think you're good and Halo? You're like the worst player in the world, just pointing out a fact."
  • Chief: mothar fucker u just picked taht 1 cuz mai homie john sed i was teh shit!
  • Arbiter: He wasn't even serious.
  • Chief: BULLSHIT

Chief gets up.

  • Arbiter: I just picked this up at random.
  • Chief: U LEI / i bet thats not even wat it sez
  • Arbiter: Oh really? Read it then.

Arbiter holds the paper out to Chief.

  • Chief: NO
  • Arbiter: No?

Chief covers his ears.

  • Chief: no / i doesnt n33d 2 ur full of shit
  • Arbiter: Then look and you can prove me wrong.
  • Chief: no
  • Arbiter: Fucking look, you douche.
  • Chief: no
  • Arbiter: Oh my god, just look.

Chief runs away.

  • Arbiter: Sigh. That's all the time we have this week anyway. Stay tuned for season six, folks. See you next time!

Credits roll.The end.