← "A Vereh Scareh H4110w33n" "Hypermail Anniversary" "Chilling Out" →


Opening credits roll.

Chief is seen kneeling before the limited edition copy of Halo 2. There are candles lit and a sign on the wall saying "hapie annivursiry"

  • Chief: PLZ HEARD MAI PRAYERS BUNJEE / teh 1 true lord of gaems / thank u 4 bl3$$ing us w/ teh greatest gaem evar maed / may teh hairy ticks in blind devotshun 2 wii, pc and gay stashun be smited / and may we bath in ther blood as it rans thru teh streets and ther souls r cast into teh eternal fiars of gamers hell"

Arbiter watches nearby.

  • Arbiter: Why do you have Halo 2 propped up? Surely Combat Evolved  would be more appropriate.
  • Chief: um y? halo 2 was teh 1st halo gaem u fucking moron
  • Arbiter: What are you, high? The number two is in the fucking name. Why would the first of anything in a series be labled with two?
  • Chief: i dusnt no / y w00d finity award labled teh first cock of doody modern warfurr w/ a 4?
  • Arbiter: You're hopless. And I thought it was "modern gay fuck stupid".
  • Chief: ROFL / o yea
  • Arbiter: Welcome back to Hypermail everybody. We may have missed the mark a little bit, but we'd just like to take some time to send a huge thank-you Bungie's way.
  •  Chief: i <3 u bunjee
  • Arbiter: In 2001, Combat Evolved delivered one of the most engaging campaigns and thrilling multiplayer modes of all time. And now ten years later Bungie ever remains a champion of the gaming industry. Not only in terms of technical achievement but also their unrivaled respect for their fanbase.
  • Chief: combat r3volved caem out this y33r u retart / four fucking days ago / remembir? [long beat] LOL REMEMBIR ARBITER?
  • Arbiter: You tool. Halo Anniversary isn't a new game entirely. It's a revamping of the first combat evolved. The first game in the series that came out ten years ago. Why do you know so little about the roots of your favorite gaming franchise? Did you know the first Halo was initialy designed for Macintosh?"
  • Chief: LIAZ! blasphemeh / u lie liek a fly w/ a booger in its eye arbitur
  • Arbiter:"It's true look it up if you don't believe me.

Chief covers his ears.

  • Chief: no ur wrong shut up ur gay ur gay ur gay ur gay ur gay ur gay ur gay
  • Arbiter: It's because of Bungie's respect for their fanbase that we'er even talking here right now. I don't know if you even watch the show anymore Bungie... or 343 Industries... but thanks for letting us do our thing for this long. Thank you for not letting Microsoft legal tear us a new one. Thank you for giving Jon a rewarding passtime that has expanded his skills emmensely. Otherwise he'd probably still be working retail... or giving hand jobs.
  • Chief: he probably still does n e ways lolllolollol ++++-one/
  • Arbiter: And to think I started off this series ripping on one of the Halo 2 map packs. How embarassing. But you were good sports about it. Even showcased us on your front page. And thank you for Halo. Keep on rocking guys. One day you'll achieve world domination. I know it.
  • Chief: can i has hal0 4 nao plz? plz k thnx bie bie lol / and if i cant can i pls haz ur bebbehs? all of ur babbehs / all ur bebbehs r belong 2 meh
  • Arbiter: Let's answer a couple hypermail messages before we go.

Chief gets a letter.

  • Chief: this 1s fr0m silas / "I actually did get sick from Halloween. How does that make you feel, Chief?" / it maeks meh vry vry :( [sad face] silas [beat] taht u lived / PLZ GET SICK AGEN SOON FAGET LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
  • Arbiter: He's kidding of course.
  • Chief:"dammit quit beign so APOLOGENETIC arbitur its so fuckign annoying
  • Arbiter: Apolo-ge-what? This one's from Joseph. "Why did the LA series suck balls? And why hasn't Jon added that as a legitimate season?" Sort of answered your own question there, Joseph.
  • Chief: adn this last maels is from emile / " hi Chief, I hear if you flush yourself from the toilet you'll arrive in a secret tunnel where is a pirate treasure is hidden.

Chief pauses, then exitedly runs for the bathroom to try it out.

  • Arbiter: That's all the time we have this week. Be sure to stay tuned for next weeks story episode.And if you have hypermail you'd like to send our way, please send it to [http:// arbiterandchief@]. See you next time!"

The toilet is heard flushing.

  • Arbiter: You've got to be kidding me.
  • Arbiter: See what you've done, Emile? You know how impressionable he is, you guys. Come on!

Arbiter goes to stop Chief.

Credits roll. The end.