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Scene 1: PowerhouseEdit

Two XBL players are seen looking around a room. Claire enters and takes them out from behind, but she is killed by a third player. She then respawns and is heard talking to a teammate.

  • Party Leader:: What are you doing? Come on!
  • Claire:: I was triple-teamed.
  • Party Leader:: Please, the rest of us eat triple-teams for our nutritious balanced breakfast. Pick up the pace.

Claire sighs.

Arbiter rounds the corner and sees her.

  • Arbiter:: Claire?
  • Claire:: I'll be back in a minute. Hold on.
  • Party Leader:: Claire? What the fu--

Claire turns off the connection.

  • Arbiter:: Hi.
  • Claire: I had a weird feeling that was you, and the voice is unmistakable. Sorry, I was in party chat.
  • Arbiter:: Everyone is nowadays. In-game chat is dead. Man, I haven't seen you sign on in forever.
  • Claire:: I know. I've been going to school. Heavy course loads; no time for Halo.
  • Arbiter: Right. / Onwards and upwards.
  • Claire:: How have you been?
  • Arbiter:: Lots of Monkey island and scraping up whatever is left of the peanut butter for sustenance. Who ever said you couldn't live your dreams?
  • Claire:: That's... cool?
  • Arbiter:: Jealous.
  • Claire:: [laughs] Well, anyway, I've got some time off and a friend of mine said he was recruiting for his Reach clan, which sounded like fun. I missed Halo.
  • Arbiter:: Past tense?
  • Claire:: Well it IS fun - don't get me wrong - but they're so competitive.
  • Arbiter:: Your clan members.
  • Claire:: Yeah. "Noob Control". That's our name.
  • Arbiter:: Like "pest control", but like-
  • Claire:: Yeah, which involves killing pests, and we're killing noobs, and noobs are pests, et cetera.
  • Arbiter:: Deep shit.
  • Claire:: "I know, right? And they're not just mildly competitive, like, they're cutthroat. It's a little ridiculous.
  • Arbiter:: Such misdirected energy.
  • Claire:: Yeah. I should really get back to the match, though. They'll throw a fit of if I don't prove my worth pretty soon.
  • Arbiter:: Serious business.
  • Claire:: Very. It was nice seeing you again, Arbiter. I mean, talking to you. You know, whatever.
  • Arbiter:: We ought to play double team one of these days. For fun. No throat cutting.
  • Claire:: Yeah, definitely.

Claire leaves. Another player runs behind Arbiter.

  • XBL Player:: If you wanna stand around hitting on chicks, why don't you play PS Home, you fucking fag?
  • Arbiter:: Shut up.

Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter is seen on Jon's bed writing on the laptop. Greg falls from the ceiling in front of him.

  • Arbiter: Aaaah!

Arbiters falls of the bed, startled.

  • Arbiter: Fuck!

Arbiter climbs onto the bed.

  • Arbiter: If I had a heart, you'd stop it, Greg. [beat] Gotta say, I'm feeling good today. Feelin' good. I think I'm on a roll with the show material. Got this idea for a retro game review segment, and it would have this whole 90's-kid vibe. Reintroduce classics to the new generation. It's all flowing nicely today.

Activate starts playing in the background, Arbiter notices with a startle.

  • Arbiter: What the fuck!

Chief is shown on Jon's desk dancing to the music on the computer.

  • Arbiter: Turn that down!
  • Chief: no lol
  • Arbiter: Chief, I'm trying to concentrate on this-
  • Chief: WAT / LAODER? / KK

The music grows louder.

  • Arbiter: Oh my god.

Arbiter climbs onto the desk.

  • Arbiter: Turn that down now!
  • Chief: chill out dude / wats ur problem / aint u diggin these phat phuckin b33tz

Chief turns off the music.

  • Arbiter: I noticed it's a very lyrical piece.
  • Chief: ya / ITS CALLED ACTIVATE / its kinda cool cuz liek hes saying activaet but thers one were he dosnt get 2 sae it all teh way so its liek its deactivatid / but then he saes it agen aftur so its liek its activatid agen adn tahts wat teh whoel song is abot / u no wat i m33n? its prety deep adn metallic if u think abot it
  • Arbiter: Takes music in a bold new direction. Really plunges the depths of human experience.
  • Chief: ya man forreal
  • Arbiter: This is for your show, is it?
  • Chief: yep
  • Arbiter: Or should I say, 'my' show.
  • Chief: dont start w/ ur shit agen / alls fail in wars and pieces

[Short beat]

  • Arbiter: Jesus, you really butchered that phrase there.
  • Chief: ill butcher ur face / CHECK EM

Chief hands Arbiter some papers that are revealed to be several crude drawings of penises with faces.

  • Arbiter: For fuck's sake. What sort of deranged individual sits down and draws this shit?
  • Chief: lol u think tahts gross? / chek this 1 out!1

Chief hands him another paper with an unseen but apparently disturbing drawing.

  • Arbiter: Oh my God, that's disgusting!
  • Chief: ROFLMAO

Arbiter tosses the paper.

  • Arbiter: That is fucking gross. Seriously.
  • Chief: dont be such a bitch
  • Arbiter: How do you even think up something like that? [beat] These aren't for your show too, are they?
  • Chief: hell yeah / I gots this wickid idea foar mai show / R U RDY?
  • Arbiter: Not in the slightest.
  • Arbiter: Techno dicks?
  • Chief: TECHNODICKS / its liek sw33t techno adn dick drawings / LOL
  • Arbiter: Chief, this stuff is offensive! You can't show this to people! Especially that abomination. That makes me want to throw up.
  • Chief: everyoen has dicks arbitur / exept chix / most of them
  • Arbiter: It's filth!
  • Chief: ITS FUNNY / besieds ive got othar stuf u no
  • Arbiter: Like what?

Arbiter and Chief are seen looking at a well made cardboard film set for chiefs show.

  • Arbiter: Wow. You're really dedicated to this, aren't you?
  • Chief: no shit
  • Arbiter: Well, this is all fine and dandy, but does your show have substance? What are you gonna talk about?
  • Chief: dont u worry / i has substinses
  • Arbiter: You don't say.
  • Chief: "yes" / and their super awsome
  • Arbiter: Would you be so inclined as to show me your substances?
  • Chief: nope sorry / cant has.

Chief leaves Arbiter, who stays behind, pondering at the film set.

Scene 3: Jon's bedroomEdit

Later that night Arbiter reviews his script on Jon's bed.

  • Arbiter: ...What is it about this line I don't like? Doesn't sound right. This all looked much better earlier. I could say this instead... But then I'd have to change all that other stuff. Or what if I ... No, that wouldn't work. That isn't funny. None of this is funny. This is terrible. I'm terrible.

Chief climbs onto the bed.

  • Arbiter: I can't believe I convinced myself I could do this. I'm not a writer. I'm a hack. A talentless hack.
  • Chief: O HAI ARBITUR
  • Arbiter: Hi.
  • Chief: buddeh / budster/ ar-bud / liek air-bud but ar-bud cuz ur arbitur and were buds / best budz 4 lief
  • Arbiter: Go away.
  • Chief: so haws ur lame ass show coming?
  • Arbiter: Fine.
  • Chief: so r u gona ask how mai shows cumming?
  • Arbiter: Nope.
  • Chief: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
  • Arbiter: Because you're a turd and I don't care.
  • Chief: well 2 bad ima tell u n e way / its not goingn so goods 2 b honist w/ u arbitur / :( [sad face]
  • Arbiter: ... That's terrible.
  • Chief: yes. / i no.
  • Arbiter: This whole pargraph is terrible. Here we go. Square one again.
  • Arbiter: No. Fuck off already. I'm working.
  • Chief: arbitur wat if ppl dont liek me?

Arbiter walks over and puts a consoling hand on Chief's shoulder.

  • Arbiter: Don't worry, Chief.
  • Chief: rly?
  • Arbiter: Yes. I can assure you no one will like you. No point worrying about it.

Chief kicks Arbiter in the crotch, who shortly thereafter falls over in pain.

  • Arbiter: Aagh! Fuck!
  • Chief: n e way i wuz thinkign we shud work 2gethir nao / lololololololol
  • Arbiter: Why?
  • Chief: b cuz i has no substinses
  • Arbiter: Tell me something I didn't know.
  • Chief: u wana do this 2gethir or not bitch?

Scene 4: BoardwalkEdit

Claire is seen firing a DMR. Arbiter walks up behind her.

  • Arbiter: Yo!
  • Claire: Hey, Arbiter!
  • Arbiter: You still up for some double team or no?
  • Claire: You know what, I'm actually still playing with my clan at the moment.
  • Arbiter: Oh. Okay.

Trent joins the conversation.

  • Claire: He's a friend!
  • Arbiter: Holy shit. Trent Donnovich? The guy who's getting-
  • Trent Donnovich: [simultaneously] ... who's getting married on Reach, yeah. [slight laugh] I get this all the fuckin' time, now.
  • Arbiter: ... And you're marrying-
  • Trent Donnovich: -Claire, yeah. You guys are friends?
  • Arbiter: Yeah.
  • Trent Donnovich: You the peanut butter guy?
  • Arbiter: [beat] Sounds a little deranged out of context, but yes.
  • Trent Donnovich: Hrm... I thought you'd have better stats to show for your sad existence.
  • Claire: Trent!
  • Arbiter: Saw you on the news the other day.
  • Trent Donnovich: Yeah?
  • Trent Donnovich: Why don't you speak with your real voice?
  • Arbiter: This is...

Claire looks at Arbiter and shakes her head.

  • Arbiter: ... I dunno. It's funny?
  • Trent Donnovich: It isn't. I gets old fast, like that soundboard shit, and no offense but listening to it is like putting a cheese grater to my eardrum. Let's get moving; we're burning experience.

Trent leaves.

  • Arbiter: You're burning experience, Claire. Those glorious digits. You'd better go.

Claire leaves.

  • Arbiter: Fuck nuggets.

Credits roll. The end.