|← "Duck Love"||"Low on Hearts"||"Rock Bottom" →|
Scene 1: PowerhouseEdit
Two XBL players are seen looking around a room. Claire enters and takes them out from behind, but she is killed by a third player. She then respawns and is heard talking to a teammate.
- Party Leader:: What are you doing? Come on!
- Claire:: I was triple-teamed.
- Party Leader:: Please, the rest of us eat triple-teams for our nutritious balanced breakfast. Pick up the pace.
Arbiter rounds the corner and sees her.
- Arbiter:: Claire?
- Claire:: I'll be back in a minute. Hold on.
- Party Leader:: Claire? What the fu--
Claire turns off the connection.
- Arbiter:: Hi.
- Claire: I had a weird feeling that was you, and the voice is unmistakable. Sorry, I was in party chat.
- Arbiter:: Everyone is nowadays. In-game chat is dead. Man, I haven't seen you sign on in forever.
- Claire:: I know. I've been going to school. Heavy course loads; no time for Halo.
- Arbiter: Right. / Onwards and upwards.
- Claire:: How have you been?
- Arbiter:: Lots of Monkey island and scraping up whatever is left of the peanut butter for sustenance. Who ever said you couldn't live your dreams?
- Claire:: That's... cool?
- Arbiter:: Jealous.
- Claire:: [laughs] Well, anyway, I've got some time off and a friend of mine said he was recruiting for his Reach clan, which sounded like fun. I missed Halo.
- Arbiter:: Past tense?
- Claire:: Well it IS fun - don't get me wrong - but they're so competitive.
- Arbiter:: Your clan members.
- Claire:: Yeah. "Noob Control". That's our name.
- Arbiter:: Like "pest control", but like-
- Claire:: Yeah, which involves killing pests, and we're killing noobs, and noobs are pests, et cetera.
- Arbiter:: Deep shit.
- Claire:: "I know, right? And they're not just mildly competitive, like, they're cutthroat. It's a little ridiculous.
- Arbiter:: Such misdirected energy.
- Claire:: Yeah. I should really get back to the match, though. They'll throw a fit of if I don't prove my worth pretty soon.
- Arbiter:: Serious business.
- Claire:: Very. It was nice seeing you again, Arbiter. I mean, talking to you. You know, whatever.
- Arbiter:: We ought to play double team one of these days. For fun. No throat cutting.
- Claire:: Yeah, definitely.
Claire leaves. Another player runs behind Arbiter.
- XBL Player:: If you wanna stand around hitting on chicks, why don't you play PS Home, you fucking fag?
- Arbiter:: Shut up.
Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit
Arbiter is seen on Jon's bed writing on the laptop. Greg falls from the ceiling in front of him.
- Arbiter: Aaaah!
Arbiters falls of the bed, startled.
- Arbiter: Fuck!
Arbiter climbs onto the bed.
- Arbiter: If I had a heart, you'd stop it, Greg. [beat] Gotta say, I'm feeling good today. Feelin' good. I think I'm on a roll with the show material. Got this idea for a retro game review segment, and it would have this whole 90's-kid vibe. Reintroduce classics to the new generation. It's all flowing nicely today.
Activate starts playing in the background, Arbiter notices with a startle.
- Arbiter: What the fuck!
Chief is shown on Jon's desk dancing to the music on the computer.
- Arbiter: Turn that down!
- Chief: no lol
- Arbiter: Chief, I'm trying to concentrate on this-
- Chief: WAT / LAODER? / KK
The music grows louder.
- Arbiter: Oh my god.
Arbiter climbs onto the desk.
- Arbiter: Turn that down now!
- Chief: chill out dude / wats ur problem / aint u diggin these phat phuckin b33tz
Chief turns off the music.
- Arbiter: I noticed it's a very lyrical piece.
- Chief: ya / ITS CALLED ACTIVATE / its kinda cool cuz liek hes saying activaet but thers one were he dosnt get 2 sae it all teh way so its liek its deactivatid / but then he saes it agen aftur so its liek its activatid agen adn tahts wat teh whoel song is abot / u no wat i m33n? its prety deep adn metallic if u think abot it
- Arbiter: Takes music in a bold new direction. Really plunges the depths of human experience.
- Chief: ya man forreal
- Arbiter: This is for your show, is it?
- Chief: yep
- Arbiter: Or should I say, 'my' show.
- Chief: dont start w/ ur shit agen / alls fail in wars and pieces
- Arbiter: Jesus, you really butchered that phrase there.
- Chief: ill butcher ur face / CHECK EM
Chief hands Arbiter some papers that are revealed to be several crude drawings of penises with faces.
- Arbiter: For fuck's sake. What sort of deranged individual sits down and draws this shit?
- Chief: lol u think tahts gross? / chek this 1 out!1
Chief hands him another paper with an unseen but apparently disturbing drawing.
- Arbiter: Oh my God, that's disgusting!
- Chief: ROFLMAO
Arbiter tosses the paper.
- Arbiter: That is fucking gross. Seriously.
- Chief: dont be such a bitch
- Arbiter: How do you even think up something like that? [beat] These aren't for your show too, are they?
- Chief: hell yeah / I gots this wickid idea foar mai show / R U RDY?
- Arbiter: Not in the slightest.
- Chief: TECHNODICKS
- Arbiter: Techno dicks?
- Chief: TECHNODICKS / its liek sw33t techno adn dick drawings / LOL
- Arbiter: Chief, this stuff is offensive! You can't show this to people! Especially that abomination. That makes me want to throw up.
- Arbiter: It's filth!
- Chief: ITS FUNNY / besieds ive got othar stuf u no
- Arbiter: Like what?
Arbiter and Chief are seen looking at a well made cardboard film set for chiefs show.
- Arbiter: Wow. You're really dedicated to this, aren't you?
- Chief: no shit
- Arbiter: Well, this is all fine and dandy, but does your show have substance? What are you gonna talk about?
- Chief: dont u worry / i has substinses
- Arbiter: You don't say.
- Chief: "yes" / and their super awsome
- Arbiter: Would you be so inclined as to show me your substances?
- Chief: nope sorry / cant has.
Chief leaves Arbiter, who stays behind, pondering at the film set.
Scene 3: Jon's bedroomEdit
Later that night Arbiter reviews his script on Jon's bed.
- Arbiter: ...What is it about this line I don't like? Doesn't sound right. This all looked much better earlier. I could say this instead... But then I'd have to change all that other stuff. Or what if I ... No, that wouldn't work. That isn't funny. None of this is funny. This is terrible. I'm terrible.
Chief climbs onto the bed.
- Arbiter: I can't believe I convinced myself I could do this. I'm not a writer. I'm a hack. A talentless hack.
- Chief: O HAI ARBITUR
- Arbiter: Hi.
- Chief: buddeh / budster/ ar-bud / liek air-bud but ar-bud cuz ur arbitur and were buds / best budz 4 lief
- Arbiter: Go away.
- Chief: so haws ur lame ass show coming?
- Arbiter: Fine.
- Chief: hahahhah i said cumming
- Arbiter: You certainly did.
- Chief: so r u gona ask how mai shows cumming?
- Arbiter: Nope.
- Chief: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
- Arbiter: Because you're a turd and I don't care.
- Chief: well 2 bad ima tell u n e way / its not goingn so goods 2 b honist w/ u arbitur / :( [sad face]
- Arbiter: ... That's terrible.
- Chief: yes. / i no.
- Arbiter: This whole pargraph is terrible. Here we go. Square one again.
- Chief: R U EVIN LISENING TO ME FAGGET?
- Arbiter: No. Fuck off already. I'm working.
- Chief: arbitur wat if ppl dont liek me?
Arbiter walks over and puts a consoling hand on Chief's shoulder.
- Arbiter: Don't worry, Chief.
- Chief: rly?
- Arbiter: Yes. I can assure you no one will like you. No point worrying about it.
Chief kicks Arbiter in the crotch, who shortly thereafter falls over in pain.
- Arbiter: Aagh! Fuck!
- Chief: n e way i wuz thinkign we shud work 2gethir nao / lololololololol
- Arbiter: Why?
- Chief: b cuz i has no substinses
- Arbiter: Tell me something I didn't know.
- Chief: u wana do this 2gethir or not bitch?
Scene 4: BoardwalkEdit
Claire is seen firing a DMR. Arbiter walks up behind her.
- Arbiter: Yo!
- Claire: Hey, Arbiter!
- Arbiter: You still up for some double team or no?
- Claire: You know what, I'm actually still playing with my clan at the moment.
- Arbiter: Oh. Okay.
- Trent Donnovich: I thought we talked about this 'stop and chat' bullshit.
Trent joins the conversation.
- Claire: He's a friend!
- Arbiter: Holy shit. Trent Donnovich? The guy who's getting-
- Trent Donnovich: [simultaneously] ... who's getting married on Reach, yeah. [slight laugh] I get this all the fuckin' time, now.
- Arbiter: ... And you're marrying-
- Trent Donnovich: -Claire, yeah. You guys are friends?
- Arbiter: Yeah.
- Trent Donnovich: You the peanut butter guy?
- Arbiter: [beat] Sounds a little deranged out of context, but yes.
- Trent Donnovich: Hrm... I thought you'd have better stats to show for your sad existence.
- Claire: Trent!
- Arbiter: Saw you on the news the other day.
- Trent Donnovich: Yeah?
- Arbiter: I'm glad people like you are so prominent in the industry. I don't know what I'd do without all my soulless first person shooter clones.
- Trent Donnovich: Why don't you speak with your real voice?
- Arbiter: This is...
Claire looks at Arbiter and shakes her head.
- Arbiter: ... I dunno. It's funny?
- Trent Donnovich: It isn't. I gets old fast, like that soundboard shit, and no offense but listening to it is like putting a cheese grater to my eardrum. Let's get moving; we're burning experience.
- Arbiter: You're burning experience, Claire. Those glorious digits. You'd better go.
- Arbiter: Fuck nuggets.
Credits roll. The end.