← "Melee" "Martyrdom" "Brawl" →

Scene 1: The download Edit

Arbiter goes out of the bathroom, then climbs up to the computer, after which he looks at Chief, who is playing Devil May Cry 4.

  • Arbiter: Do my eyes deceive me? Are you ACTUALLY playing a game that's NOT Halo 3?

CHIEF: go suck it

  • Arbiter: Seriously. What's going on?

CHIEF: halo 3 wuz laging liek shit adn it maed meh / vreh :( [sad face] so i quit

  • Arbiter: Interesting... [looks at computer screen] Do you think that has anything to do with you downloading over 700 gigs of pornography on here?

CHIEF: no / tahts teh computir / this r teh xbox / its sepret / DUMASS

  • Arbiter: Jon's hard drive isn't even that big.

CHIEF: dun wury / i hav........... / 2 FLOPY DISKZ

  • Arbiter: I think you'll need a few more than that.

CHIEF: LOLOLLLOLLOL / u obvsly no nothign abot computirs

  • Arbiter: What the hell would you do with 700 gigabytes of pornography? That's like FOUR MONTHS of porn!

Chief doesn't answer; Arbiter looks at a table: there are a few boxes of tissues and a plastic bottle labeled "VASELINE".

  • Arbiter: That is absolutely disgusting.

CHIEF: no u

Arbiter looks at the TV.

  • Arbiter: You look like you're having a hard time there!

CHIEF: this gaem sux!1 / ive srsly bin sh0tign dis ghey b0ss 4 liek 3 hrs

  • Arbiter: Use your sword, idiot.

CHIEF: ya ues a mele wepin / GUI ID3A / R3T4RD

[Still shoots the boss]

CHIEF: p33s3 of shit / DIE pl0x / D:< { very angry face }

["2 + 2 = 5" starts playing]

  • Arbiter: You gotta do combos and stuff. Press Y.

CHIEF: NO / stupid fuckign gaem [stops the game]

  • Arbiter: I'm playing Call of Duty 4 then. I'm cancelling this stupid download. [Arbiter does so]


Scene 2: Call of Duty 4 Edit

[cut to Call of Duty 4]

PLAYER: Yo, anyone got UAV? I've got an Airstrike.

  • Arbiter: Yeah, I have it.

PLAYER: 'Kay, sweet, thanks.

  • Arbiter: Ha ha, sweet. He got like, four kills with that. Chopper time!

Chief is sitting back to him.

  • Arbiter: What's your problem?

CHIEF: shut up 8=======D face [dickface]

  • Arbiter: Wow, you're ACTUALLY mad that I cancelled your porn, aren't you?

[Chief doesn't answer]

  • Arbiter: Wanna try Call of Duty 4? Will that cheer you up?


  • Arbiter [gives him controller]: Come on. Here. Play for a bit.

Chief grabs it and starts playing.

CHIEF: this gun blows

  • Arbiter: You can make your own class if you want. I'm level 38 I think so you have a bunch of stuff to choose from.


Chief starts creating a new class; sets its name to "1337"; goes to set the primary weapon.

CHIEF: r thur 3nrgeh swr0d?/

  • Arbiter: No.

CHIEF: :( ! [sad face] / wat abot rokit lawn chair??/

  • Arbiter: Actually yeah, you can give yourself the two rocket perk.

CHIEF [browsing perks]: i can has mawr healths?? / 1337

CHIEF: wtf is martyrdom

  • Arbiter: You drop a live grenade when you die. It's really annoying.

CHIEF: COOL1!!11one! / can i set this 2 all 3?/

  • Arbiter: Don't be ridiculous. It's lame enough with just one.

CHIEF: u juts suck / just avoid it

  • Arbiter: That's what they all say!

CHIEF wat u m33n?

  • Arbiter: The reason it sucks is that almost everyone uses it, which makes it often unavoidable. Seriously, I go to kill a guy and I'm always nervous because there's a 95 percent chance that I'll hear that grenade sound, and I'm too caught up in the combat to thing [sic] about avoiding it so I die, and the guy gets a cheap kill.


  • Arbiter: At least with perks like "Last Stand" you actually have to work to get your kill. Martyrdom is just stupid.


[Chief joins a team deathmatch; "Take on Me" starts playing]

  • Arbiter: I hate this map. The hallways literally just explode over and over with all the grenades thrown.

CHIEF: tactics ftw

Scene 3: Brace yourselves Edit

[Chief chooses his class and starts game]

CHIEF: brase ur self / its abot 2 get a whoel lot..... / CH33FI3R / in this r00m!1

  • Arbiter: Very clever, Chief.

[Chief starts shooting around randomly; presses left trigger several times]

CHIEF: wtf gernaed but0n no work!

  • Arbiter: Left trigger is to aim down the gun sight.

CHIEF: thats fucking retarted / wheres the gh0st

  • Arbiter: No vehicles.

CHIEF: >:O [very angry surprised face]

He enters a hallway.

CHIEF: say helo 2 mai littel frind / hhahahahhahahahahahhahah

Arbiter: Mother of God, you are the BIGGEST nub I have ever seen. I'm ACTUALLY embarrased to be sitting next to you right now.

PLAYER: [giggles] ...the fuck is fucking retard just shooting over and over... Who's doing that? It's fucking annoying!

Arbiter: Everyone on your team thinks you're retarded.

CHIEF: tiem 2 die bitch3z

Chief gets killed.



  • Arbiter: Wow. That guy totally raped you.

CHIEF: gh3yst / gaem / EV4R1!!!one! [throws the controller at Arbiter]

  • Arbiter: Here. Read this so you knows the controls. [hands him the manual]

Chief goes away after a while.

  • Arbiter: What the hell!

CHIEF: tl;dr [does a Google search for "sexxxay pr0nz"]

  • Arbiter: You didn't even read for two seconds.

Scene 4: Conclusion Edit

Arbiter is seen playing Call of Duty 4.

  • Arbiter: Whoa, this is laggy as hell. Why is this so la- - ? [looks at Chief]

["James Brown Is Dead" starts playing]

  • Arbiter: [throws the tissue box at Chief] STOP DOWNLOADING PORN!


Credits roll. The end.

Director's Notes

For those who actualy think I went out 
on the interwebz and found an actual
torrent for 714 GB of porn, it wasn't
real, it was a monitor screenshot edited
in Microsoft Paint.  

As always, I don't actually dislike Devil
May Cry 4 (or Call of Duty 4). Devil May
Cry 4 is sweet, and if you're a fan of the
series I definitely recommend getting it.
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening
was still a bit better, but it's a worthy
purchase nonetheless.

The "bottle of vaseline" was actually a
big shampoo bottle with a piece of
paper held onto it with elastic bands
with "vaseline" written on it.

The tissues of course were just new ones
crumpled up and thrown on the table
and NOT covered in Chiefy spunk.

Thanks for watching guys, as always, and
keep an eye on the blog.