| ← "Warhead" | "No Purpose" | "Future Shock" → |
|---|
Scene 1: Table[]
[close-up shot of the Halo: Reach case that slowly reverse zooms back]
Suddenly, Arbiter and Chief come in from the side and are seen wrestling with each other.
- Arbiter: You sack of shit!
- Chief: GIT UR FUCKIN HANS OFF MEH GAYWAD
- Arbiter: What the fuck is wrong with your brain?!
- Chief: SRSLY FUCK OFF
- Arbiter: I'm sick of you!
- Chief: >:I
- Arbiter: I fucking hate you!
- Chief: AAAH!1
As Arbiter and Chief wrestle, their fight drags them into a nearby metal shelf. Arbiter smash Chief multiple times against it until he knocks over the shelf along with themselves.
- Chief: OW!!one
- Arbiter: You fucking fuck-- fuck you!
- Chief: FUCKIN MONGO, UR GONA--
- Arbiter: Aah!
- Chief: HOLY CRAP
- Arbiter: Whoa, shit--!
Scene 2: Jon's Apartment[]
The screen cuts to Arbiter, who is seen staring at the camera for a brief moment.
- Chief: no??????????? / FUCK U M33N NO???????? / orange u :D [happy face] to se meh bro?
[Cut to Chief with his arms out]
- Chief: it's-a-me! / MASTUR CH33F / hoo-hoo! / mama-mia! / LOLOLLOLLOLOL / teh 360 noscoep hedshots king / n00b rapist / DESTROYER OF CUNTS / remembir meh arbitur / LOL REMEMBIR / LLOLLOLOLOLLOL
- Arbiter: I remember. Everything.
CHIEF [Arms stretched out gesturing Arbiter to hug him]: :) / cum on buddeh bring it in
[beat]
CHIEF: dont leave meh hangin bro
[beat]
CHIEF: where is teh loev?/ / teh loaf? / the loave??
[beat]
Arbiter: Aah!
CHIEF: wow wtf
[Arbiter runs and tackles Chief to the ground, holding him down]
CHIEF: D00F
ARBITER: You motherfucker!
CHIEF: WTHS TEH MATTRESS W/ U??
[Arbiter continues to wrestle with Chief, inadvertantly rolling them both off of Jon's Bed in the process]
CHIEF: AAAGH
ARBITER: You--! You're fucking insane!
CHIEF: Me?? / WTH DID I DOAS HUHH?//
ARBITER: You blew us up! You fucking blew us up, you crazy asshole!
CHIEF: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm / o ya / lmao
ARBITER: Son of a bitch!
CHIEF: AAAH!1
[Arbiter starts to bang Chief's head into the ground. Chief looks over and notices an Audio device. He reaches for it as Arbiter continues to beat him up]
CHIEF: HOWS A BOAT WE CRANKED THIS UP 2 11???
[Chief reaches the device and smacks Arbiter with it, knocking him off himself]
CHIEF: HIYAHHH
ARBITER: Agh!
CHIEF: fuckin fartknocker
ARBITER: Fuck!
CHIEF: yeh im cray, not teh fuckin psycho who t00k me apart liek a ikea furnituere
ARBITER: Agh!
[Using the cord of the device, Chief begins to strangle Arbiter with it, trying to subdue him]
CHIEF: OPEN WIDE BITCH / hows teh electric spagetti
ARBITER: Get the fuck off me!
CHIEF: i knew u gots a lots of experiense w/ n00dles in ur mouth
ARBITER: Agh!
[Arbiter bangs Chief against a nearby shelf]
CHIEF: OWW
ARBITER: Get off!
CHIEF: HOWS A BOAT U COMPLEMENTS TEH CHEF ADN SUCK MAI HUEGE FUCKIN COCK TOO
ARBITER: Aah! Fucking cunt!
[Arbiter bangs Chief against the shelf again, this time causing Chief to release his grasp and Arbiter to spit out the wires that were in his mouth]
CHIEF: AGHH!! / NO U / thats all u gots????? / i pound ur moms ass hardar than taht / LOL / MASTAR CH33F IN TEH HOUESE WOO WOO
ARBITER: You melted my friend to goop and flushed her down the fucking toilet. Real class act.
CHIEF: YEH BUTT THATS ONLY CUZ SHE WAS A PIESE OF SHIT JUST LIEK U
ARBITER: You--! I'm gonna break you all over again! Aah!
CHIEF: ROFLMAO
ARBITER: Agh, shit!
[As Arbiter charges towards Chief again, this time Chief kicks him in the groin and hurls him up and over himself, knocking him into another shelf]
CHIEF: HAEV A NISE FLIGHTS BITCH
ARBITER: Ow!
CHIEF: BAI BAI / I JUST WANTED 2 SCAERED HER / i turned teh oven off / u turned it bak on adn didnt told meh / this is evry singel all of ur fawlts so gj dipshit / dunno wat in tfs ur blamin meh 4
ARBITER: Don't you fucking-- Don't you dare! Do not give me that shit again! The power should've been disconnected! Cortana shouldn't have been in an oven!
CHIEF: SHE CALLED MEH MEAN WORDS THO / >>>>>:((((( / k we can putt this way far behind us nao. / i foregieve u. / <3
[As Chief walks away, Arbiter looks down and notices a plastic paper divider. he picks it up to assault Chief with it]
ARBITER: You fucking--! Only one of us is about to be sorry!
CHIEF: HAY / WOW WOW
[Arbiter smacks Chief with the divider]
CHIEF: AAGH!! / LE :( / THAT HURT U FUCKIN ASS BUTT / IM GONA FUCKED U UP
ARBITER: Cortana would've been nice to you.
[Arbiter attempts to smacks Chief with the divider again, only for Chief to catch it and wrestle with him over it]
ARBITER: All you had to do was be nice in return. As if that was ever possible.
CHIEF: ur fuckin trollin rite? / she shud has treied bean sum thigns other than a hypercunt for liek 1 secind
ARBITER: You've been a cunt since I met you.
CHIEF: just bein me bro / adn i wuz h33r 1st / dont liek it, u knew where teh d00rs is / cept u wont evar left cuz u gots a bald little cum slit where ur dick adn balls shud b33n
ARBITER: Fuck you!
CHIEF: no fuck u k? / k c00l
ARBITER: Aah!
[As Arbiter and Chief wrestle with the divider, Chief him into a cupboard door]
ARBITER: Ow! Fucking asshole!
CHIEF: holy fuck
ARBITER: Go to hell!
[Having enough, Arbiter hurls Chief off to the side, where he is thrown onto an Xbox 360]
CHIEF: 00WW!!eleven / fuck this shit im outta h33r
ARBITER: Yeah, you're not the only one! Everyone's fucking gone 'cause of you!
[Trying to flee from Arbiter, Chief notices a large shelf nearby and begins to climb it out of Arbiter's reach, as Arbiter chases after him by climbing up the shelf after him too]
ARBITER: Greg! He knew you killed Cortana-- he saw you! Decided to cover your worthless ass and not tell me! 'Cause he knew it'd break my fucking heart.
CHIEF: who wouldnt wanted 2 covered this gorgeous ass huh?? / gregs a disgustign fuckin fr33k butt hes not a retarted liek u XD
ARBITER: 'Course, my heart was gonna break either way. She was gone. You saw to that. Greg couldn't bear to keep the truth from me either, so he left. He genuinely believed you and me had something worth preserving. Missed the fucking mark on that one by a mile!
CHIEF: [Reach the top of the shelf] dude enuff alredie!! / wtf doas u wantid meh 2 doas nao? / shits D0NE / hes not cummign bak!!1 / prolly 2 busy w/ all teh fuckin beauty pageaents m i rite? / L0L
ARBITER: I'm gonna kill you!
[Realizing that Arbiter is headed for him, Chief looks around for someway to get away from him. Chief then notices some Xbox 360 Controllers]
CHIEF: gotta go fhast [reaches for a Controller] cum on
[Using the Controller like a Lasso, Chief throws it at a nearby door. The Controller gets stuck onto the door knob]
CHIEF: YEEEEE / tiems 2 maek liek teh indian joan adn swing on outta h33r / i gota g2g ima brb rite bak lol
[Just as Arbiter reaches the top of the Shelf, Chief uses the cord part of the controller and swings to safety]
CHIEF: WEEEEE
[Only to slam into the door in the process]
CHIEF: OW / SHIT
ARBITER: Fucking coward!
CHIEF: i knew u r butt wat am i / llolollololoololololol
[Arbiter then launches himself off the top of the Shelf and lands into a pile of Jon's Laundry, back on the ground]
CHIEF: o shit
ARBITER: Get the fuck back here, you pussy!
CHIEF: no
ARBITER: Little bitch!
CHIEF: no u
ARBITER: I'm gonna twist your fucking head off!
CHIEF: no k? / ok
[Chief now tries to flee from Arbiter by climbing up Jon's bed, only for Arbiter to do the same. Chief then tries to climb up onto one of Jon's tables, only for Arbiter to catch up to him]
ARBITER: Where the fuck do you think you're going?
CHIEF: NO
ARBITER: Stick around! [grabs Chief's leg]
CHIEF: OW!!1 / NO THX / LEMME GO SK33T STAIN [kicks Arbiter in the face]
ARBITER: Ow-- fuck!
CHIEF: EET MAI F33TS / aaahahhahhhahah
[Arbiter finally joins Chief on the table and both of them begin wrestling with each other, picking up where the episode started off]
ARBITER: You sack of shit!
CHIEF: GIT UR FUCKIN HANS OFF MEH GAYWAD
ARBITER: What the fuck is wrong with your brain?!
CHIEF: SRSLY FUCK OFF
ARBITER: I'm sick of you!
CHIEF: >:I
ARBITER: I fucking hate you!
CHIEF: AAAH!1
[As Arbiter and Chief wrestle, their fight drags them into a nearby metal shelf. Arbiter smash Chief multiple times against it until he knocks over the shelf along with themselves]
CHIEF: OW!!one
ARBITER: You fucking fuck-- fuck you!
CHIEF: FUCKIN MONGO, UR GONA--
ARBITER: Aah!
CHIEF: HOLY CRAP
ARBITER: Whoa, shit--!
[Arbiter and Chief tumble over the table, along with the shelf that Arbiter was banging Chief into, causing a giant mess]
CHIEF: [Stumbles to get back to his feet] Fuckin Retard / GG
ARBITER: [Stumbles to get back to his feet] You're fucking dead!
[As both of them are still stumbling to get back to his feet, Chief notices a Hammer amongst the mess that he and Arbiter caused. Having enough, Chief arms himself with it to use against Arbiter]
ARBITER: What-- hey!
CHIEF: >:D
ARBITER: Put that down now!
CHIEF: no fuck u LOL
[The weight of the hammer causes it and Chief to fall off the shelf. Chief however recovers in time to use it against Arbiter]
CHIEF: HIAYAH
ARBITER: Agh!
[Chief attemps to smash Arbiter with the Hammer, but hits a metal pipe instead. Chief tries again to hit Arbiter, only to hit a plastic cupboard. Arbiter begins to stumble back in fear]
ARBITER: Stop!
CHIEF: NO LOL [Chief turns the Hammer around and tries to slice up arbiter with its claw] LLOLOLLLOLOLOLL
ARBITER: Aah! [falls down backwards] Shit!
[Chief tries again to smash Arbiter, only to miss. Arbiter now finds himself cornered against a drawer]
CHIEF: wat a waeste of a new bodie / cuz im a boat to fuckin wrecked taht prety new faese of urs so bad / LLOLOLOOLOLOLLOLLOL
ARBITER: Yours first.
CHIEF: o fuk
[As Arbiter says this, he grabs the bottom drawer and smashes it into Chief's face, disarming him of the hammer and knocking off his visor. Chief clutches his face in pain]
CHIEF: OOWW!!1eleven / AAHH!!1 / SHIT!!1 / NOT MAI FUCKEN FASE AGEN / ITS 2 BEAUTIFIL / FUCK I CANT FUCKEN S33
[Chief stumbles around to look for his visor]
ARBITER: You're better off not seeing what I'm about to do to you.
CHIEF: AGH / HAY / LET GO BUTT BURGLER
[Arbiter grabs Chief and holds him by his collar]
ARBITER: I'm not gonna put you back together like last time.
CHIEF: u could has stop meh.
ARBITER: What? You ever considered speaking English once in your pitiful life?
CHIEF: when i asploded teh old place
ARBITER: You said if I got too close to you, you'd have struck the match.
CHIEF: u wantid 2 used phone / jons afrikenamerikenberry / so u could called teh lord of teh land
ARBITER: "Landlord", Chief. What are we in, Lord of the Rings?
CHIEF: tahts exakly wtf i jsut sed / i wuz rite thurr / next 2 teh phone / when u grabed it u could has easilie grab teh match t00 / both of teh 2 of us knew taht
[beat]
CHIEF: ur not >:( cuz i blew us up / ur >:( cuz ur bak / u wantid 2 died / u stil doas
[Realizing that Chief is telling the truth, Arbiter releases him and holds himself against the drawer with his head down. Chief scrambles to reach for his visor and places it back on, only to see Arbiter smashing his fists against the Drawer, screaming in frustration]
ARBITER: Aah! Why?! Why, God--! Dammit!
CHIEF: what
ARBITER: "What"! Why here?! Why Jon's house?! Why me?! Why you?!
CHIEF: y not me tho?? / sum bodies gots 2 raeped all teh n00bs onliene
ARBITER: Why now?! Why these bodies?! All over again with this fucking shit!
CHIEF: spoke 4 urself, mai bodies 2 sexxxay 2 stayed died foar forevir
[Chief swings his hips around while talking to Arbiter. Ignoring Chief, Arbiter goes off to Jon's Computer Desk]
CHIEF: wat u doin / w8 / NO im using computar rite nao k???
ARBITER: Oh-- get fucked, will you?!
CHIEF: no lol i gots 2 downloauded maor spicy maymays
ARBITER: I don't give a shit what you do on the computer, just as soon as I'm done with it.
CHIEF: NO, MAYMAYS
ARBITER: Hey!
[Chief knocks Arbiter aside as he rushes to the computer]
CHIEF: 1337 sexxy maymays / evry1s gona b so supar jelly when they s33n i gots all of them all / u2 arbitur / gona b moar jelly in h33r than either 2 of teh boath of us knew wat 2 doas w/ lol / :D / holy fuck these pepes r dank / rare as fuck bro / l@@k3d @ this one, this r a gud pepe / this ones t00, thoese is a dank pepe also
ARBITER: Get the fuck out of the way!
CHIEF: AAH / :( / no bodies stans betwen meh and mai maymays
[As Arbiter rights himself and goes over to the computer, Chief is seen moving Pepe the Frog memes to a hard drive named "dank maymays". Arbiter soon rushes towards Chief and knocks him away from the computer, sending him flying towards the end of Jon's computer desk where he lands near the book 2001: A Space Odyssey]
ARBITER: Internet's slow. Oh, for fuck's sake --
CHIEF: wtf r u doin
ARBITER: Stopping your torrents for a start.
CHIEF: NO / GOD NO NOT MAI NEKKED B00B PORNO NOGRAPHIES / N E THINGS BUT THOASE / CEPT MAI PEPES THO
ARBITER: You'd be lucky if there was disc space for a fraction of all this shit. 20--
{beat}
ARBITER: It's 2017? What-- What was it the last time?
{beat}
ARBITER: Four years...I dreamed--
{Arbiter picks up 2001: A Space Odyssey}
ARBITER: You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
CHIEF: wat
ARBITER: This. I dreamed this.
CHIEF: u read b00ks? / LOL / fuckin nerd
ARBITER: You should try it sometime.
CHIEF: im not a fucken faget liek u
ARBITER: I really thought-- It was so vivid. You were there. Cortana was there. Until you--
CHIEF: wut
ARBITER: Forget it. I saw Eugene too. And Colin, and Tyler. Claire-- she was there.
CHIEF: where wus taht / teh freind zone? / LOL
ARBITER: And there was someone else.
CHIEF: who tho
ARBITER: I'm not sure. I never had a dream that felt that real.
CHIEF: same
ARBITER: Wait-- You had the same dream?
CHIEF: nah i was fuckin ur mom butt it felt r33l yknow?
{Arbiter punches Chief in the face knocking him down}
CHIEF: HAY / butthole
ARBITER: I need a fucking drink.
{Arbiter leaves the computer in search of alcohol}
CHIEF: i think were out of semen / u must b so disappoint / lmao
ARBITER: Yeah, 'cause you drank it all, right?
CHIEF: wow real mature / not evin funny, tahts just gross dude
ARBITER: I personally prefer alcohol.
CHIEF: :0 / wow rly? / i thot alkaholicks only drank a water
ARBITER: You've gotta be joking!
{Arbiter finds a bottle of booze on the shelf near Jon's closet but realizes it's empty}
CHIEF: OOLOOOLOLLOLLOL / 2b4u XDDD
ARBITER: Fuck me!
CHIEF: no thx lol / ummmmmmmmmmm / prety suer ur not gona find n e in their lol
{Arbiter opens a drawer in search of alcohol}
ARBITER: Shut up.
CHIEF: no u
ARBITER: Thank fuck.
{Arbiter finds an unlit cigarette and a Bic lighter, then heads to Jon's entryway}
CHIEF: wur u goin?
{Arbiter is seen lighting the cigarette and smoking it while leaning up against a wall}
ARBITER: Goddammit.
{Chief is later seen peeking around the corner at Arbiter who is still smoking alone}
ARBITER: Bugger off.
CHIEF: if u wantid sum things 2 sucked on u shud has caem 2 me frist
ARBITER: Leave me alone! I need to fucking think! At least one of us has to!
CHIEF: cum on bro / u can tlak 2 me u no / im h33r 4 u k?
{Chief suddenly hears Jon's Xbox booting up and turns in the direction of the sound. Arbiter does the same}
CHIEF: zomgbbq / nvm ima played halo / YES / OUR GOD IS AN OSSIM POSSIM GOD YES HE IS PRAISE HIM
{Chief runs to the Xbox leaving Arbiter behind. When he reaches the TV set, Gears of War, and not Halo, is already in the console}
CHIEF: wat in teh flyin fuck / o u butter b jsut jking /GOD FUCKEN DAMMIT / TUR SHUD B NO THIGNS BUTT HALO IN SIED OF TEH SEX BAWKS @ ALL OF TEH TIEMS /thot taht was oblivioues butt i guest i was WRONGED / QU33RS OF FUCKEN WAR GIMME A BRAEK / ONLY PLACE A GAME TIHS GAY SHUD B SPINNING IS ON A GODDAM DICK/ WHERE THE FUCK IS HALO?!?1/11 / AAH!!1one
{Chief opens the disc insert of the 360, removes the Gears of War disc and throws it on the ground}
CHIEF: omg w8 / OF COUERSE / TEH BOX / PHEW / i got a scaered for a 1 shingle secinds they're.
{Chief finds the case for Halo Reach and opens it, but is shocked to find it is completely empty}
CHIEF: no. / NO / NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!111one!11 / >>>>>>>>:(((((((((( / ITS EMPTY / FUCKIN EMPTY / SHIT BALLS / AAGH!!!eleven / AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!11!!
{As Chief throws his tantrum at not being able to play Halo Reach, Arbiter, still smoking his cigarette, looks over at him briefly and shakes his head in disappointment. He then gets up and goes over to the empty box, looking inside it. The camera shows Arbiter from inside the box, shrinking and shrinking as eerie music builds in intensity and then abruptly ends}
{cut to black}
{credits roll}