Panic/Transcript

← "Glitch"	"Panic"	"Cheater" →

Scene 1: Snowbound

Veiwer discretion warning is shown. Opening credits roll.

The episode picks up where the previous one left off. The inside of the bunker is shown. Screams and general panic over the glitch situation continue all over Xbox Live.

• Arbiter: "So what is this, some kind of safehouse for those that are still "sane"?
• Blue player: "Barely.

He looks at the Green player.

• Blue player: "Charlie over there started talking to himself. He's convinced he still has his Katana but he doesn't. And nobody has the heart to tell him.
• Arbiter: "...This is insane.
• Blue player: "No, wait!"

Arbiter and Chief are seen in the real world.

• Chief: "arbitur / he r juts a lost s0ul / hsi liefs shatrrd liek teh rist f uz
• Arbiter: "Screw that. Someone needs to talk some sense into these morons.

Arbiter goes over to Charlie.

• Arbiter: "Hay, snap out of it. You lost your katana, deal with it and stop being such a bitch.
• Charlie: "No, no, no, no, I didn't. No, I didn't. I still have it. It's awesome.
• Arbiter: "No, you don't. You... Wait. How old are you?"
• Charlie: "Thirty nine."
• Arbiter: "You're thirty nine years old and you're freaking out over a video game glitch? What the fuck? Why don't you get a life, loser."
• Blue player: "Okay, man don't-"
• Arbiter: "I bet you're the guy on my buddy's friends list. What's your gamertag?"
• Charlie: "assassinninja4827"
• Arbiter: "Cool name, bro. Way to meld the words assassin and ninja followed by a bunch of goofy numbers."

Cut to the real world.

• Arbiter: "What's with all these stupid fucking gamertags?"
• Chief: "ask ninja if he accepted mai clan invite"
• Arbiter: "Shut up, Chief.

Back to the game.

• Arbiter: "You're exactly the sort of weak mind that Chief attracts. I bet you're one of those obsessive guys who has a Halo 3 screenshot album on their Facebook account."
• Charlie: "Myspace."
• Arbiter: "[beat] That's even more lame.

Charlie stands up and points his magnum at Arbiter.

• Charlie: "Just back off! Just back the fuck off okay!?"
• Arbiter: "Settle down, ass-ninja.
• Charlie: "It's assassinninja 4827!"
• Arbiter: "Right. 4827. Musn't forget the digits."
• Blue player: "Whoa! Calm down, Charlie!"
• Red player: "Whoa whoa! Drop the gun now!
• Charlie: "No! Herk wahgga blah whagu wah!"

The rest of what they're saying is drowned out by grumbling and trying to yell over each other.

Scene 2: Avalanche

Meanwhile two Bungie employees are seen traveling across the map in a Warthog.

• Bungie employee 1[over megaphone]: "Attention Halo 3 players and Xbox Live subscribers! We are representatives of Bungie studios! The Development Team are aware of the issue regarding the disappearance of armor permutations and the inability to unlock certain achievements, and are currently working to remedy the situation as quickly as possible! We ask that you all remain calm!"

A rioter runs out of the cave and throws a grenade at the jeep.

• Rioter: "Repent!"
• Bungie employee 1: "Jesus Christ!"

The Warthog crashes into a wall. The driver sees the other Bungie member dead on the ground.

• Bungie employee 2: "erk wugga gerwaga urk"
• Bungie employee 1: "Goddammit, Bill. You were never one for wearing a damn seatbelt. I guess now you finally paid the price."

The rioter pulls him out of the jeep and holds a Brute Shot's bayonet to his neck.

• Rioter: "This blade is for taking my blade from me!"

The rioter slashes the him over and over with the Brute Shot bayonet.

Scene 3: Snowbound

In the bunker the standoff continues.

• Blue player: "C'mon, man, j-just put the gun down, man, put it down."
• Charlie: "Shut up!
• Arbiter: "All of you put your guns down and let's just play already. It's a game! Stop being so fucking dramatic. I'm sure Bungie will fix the glitches eventually. You can't even see your armor when you play. Stop being so vain, you pricks."
• Red player: "The Elite's right, man. You're taking this way too seriously."
• Arbiter [to Red player]: "You're being just as insane as he is!"
• Charlie: "You shut up! [to Red player] God forbid this glitch should ever effect you... though... it appears it already has."
• Red player: "W-what?"

The Red player is horrified to realize that his Katana has disappeard off his back and a MA5C Assault Rifle has taken its place because of the glitch. Shaken at having suffered the same fate as so many others, he aims his shotgun at Arbiter.

• Blue player: "What are you doing, man!? Just stop!"
• Arbiter: "Goddamnit!"
• Red player: "I'm... I'm sorry.

Chief slams into the Red player, saving Arbiter.

• Chief: "FOR GRAET JUSTIS"
• Red player: "What the fuck?! Aah!"

The Blue player takes advantage and tackles Charlie.

• Blue player: "Drop it! Just drop the fucking gun!"
• Charlie: "No! Bungie took what I rightfully earned! I must have vengeance! I MUST HAVE VENGEANCE!" (grumbling)
• Chief: "no 1 shot at mai friend w/ gun!
• Red player: "Get off me!"
• Chief: "FOR SPARTA"
• Arbiter: "This is retarded. I'm leaving."

Arbiter heads for the door. Another player comes inside.

• XBL player: "Hey, guys! Stop! I just got off the B-net forum. Bungie found a solution to the glitch problem!"

Everyone instantly stops and listens.

• XBL player: "They havn't figured out exactly what the problem is but you have nothing to worry about as long as you have all of the original forty nine achievements!

The player leaves the bunker.

• XBL player: "Hey, everybody! Bungie found a solution to the glitch problem!

The screaming stops. Back in the bunker, there's a beat before the players resume talking, but much calmer and friendlier than before.

• Red player: "Hey, ugh you wanna play some double team?
• Blue player: "Okay. You wanna make a room or something?"
• Red player: "No, it's okay I'll make it. I send you an invite."
• Blue player: "Alright.

They exit the game.

• Charlie: "Hmmm. I guees I've got time for one more game. Hey, Chief you wanna play social?"
• Chief: "NO THANX MAN / I GOT SUM ACHIVMINTS 2 ACHIV"
• Charlie: "Okay. [to Arbiter] I'd ask you if you weren't a fuckin' asshole."
• Arbiter: "I'd eat my balls before I'd play with you anyway, grandpa."
• Charlie: "Screw you. Whatever I gotta go anyway."
• Arbiter: "Late for a prostate exam?"
• Charlie: "Go fuck yourself.
• Arbiter: "You too,"ass-ninja"."

Charlie leaves the game.

In the real world.

• Chief: "ECKSBOCKS LIEV IS SAEVED ++++1!

Arbiter throws down his controller, gets up, and walks away.

• Arbiter: "I need a beer."
• Chief: "2 theetr mode / this shit is so going on ma myspaec"

Credits roll. The end.

Post Credits Scene

Arbiter is seen in the Living Room, holding a camera and filming himself with it.

• Arbiter: "Hey. A few of you obsessive types are probably now scrampering to your Xboxes to register the gamertag "assassininja4827", "assninja4827" or some other slight variation. ...No one will be impressed. ...Just wanted to call you douchebags out on that beforehand." [beat] "Owned.