"Pilot" "Recon" →

Intro Edit


DigitalPh33r Productions

[fade out; music; text on black background]

DigitalPh33r  production

The Epic Sequel to the  Master Chief Sucks at Halo  Series

Scene 1: Chief saves the day Edit

[Cuts to Halo 3: Two players at turrets are shooting a few players hiding behind a wall, keeping them pinned down, while slowly whittling away at the cover]

PLAYER 1: Oh man, we're fucked. We're fucked!

PLAYER 2: We gotta make a run for it!

[players argue, among what is heard includes "You'll never make it! It's suicide!"]

PLAYER 2: Shut up! I'm going!

PLAYER 3: No, don't! Come back!

[yellow player runs, but one of the turret gunners picks him out and kills him before he can reach cover. He grunts, groans, and makes a garbled death sound as he's shot dead.]

PLAYER 3: Jesus Christ!

PLAYER 1: Oh man, we're dead!

PLAYER 3: Hold on, hold on. Who's that over there?

[A green Spartan is walking slowly towards them, armed with an Assault Rifle and Sniper Rifle]

Arby 'n' the Chief
Episode One

PLAYER 3: Is... is that...?

PLAYER 1: It's Master Chief!

[Master Chief comes to the players]

CHIEF: LOL / hay guyz / wat r going on in this lvl

PLAYER 1: We need your help, Chief.

PLAYER 3: We can't escape! We're under too much fire!

  • Chief: dun wury guyz / its k

[Chief runs under turret fire, and shoots a Sniper Rifle round at the turrets; one turret shooter drops dead, victim of the lucky shot from Chief. As a result, thinking that Chief is about to flank him from behind, the other shooter abandons his turret and aims at the doorway he guesses Chief will come through with his pistol and approaches carefully to ensure he gets a good shot as soon as Chief appears. However, when he turns around, he finds Chief standing right in front of him, having somehow snuck up behind him. The second shooter backs away from him in shock and fear.

ENEMY: Wh... what are you?!

  • Chief: i r guy / who gon t33ch u less0n

Chief punches the enemy, killing him.


PLAYER 1: We're saved!

PLAYER 3: Way to go, Chief!

  • Chief: we win / LOL

PLAYER 1: All thanks to you!

PLAYER 3: You're the greatest, Chief...

PLAYER 1: Hey look, it's one of the guys from the Bungie staff.

[Chief turns, and said employee is walking up to where Chief and the surviving two players are to congratulate him armed with a Pistol]

BUNGIE EMPLOYEE: Hey, Master Chief. We just wanted to personally congratulate you on your performance in Halo 3.

  • Chief: y ty gud sir =D

BUNGIE EMPLOYEE: We here at Bungie would like to present you the grand prize for achieving such a feat: one billion dollars and infinite girlfriends.

Scene 2: Delivery Edit

[Chief wakes up; doorphone buzzes; "Around the World" plays in the background. Chief staggers off the couch, leaving an empty bottle of Captain Morgan's behind. He soon is standing under the doorphone and looks up at it as it buzzes again.

Chief goes to the kitchen, grabs a frying pan and bashes it against the wall; the handset falls off.

  • Chief: hello

MAN: Uh yeah, hey i've got a package for delivery for, uh, someone named Jon.

  • Chief: O RLY?

DELIVERY MAN: Yeah. Is this Jon?

  • Chief: ya / cum up plz

DELIVERY MAN: All right, thanks.

The delivery man puts the package on the floor.

  • Chief: wat is this / r this recon arm0r ?/

DELIVERY MAN: I have no idea what is this, man. I just need you to sign on this document here.

  • Chief: k

The delivery man puts the documents and a pen on the floor, then, Chief signs himself and throws the pen away; the signature reads "MASTUR CHEEF :)".

DELIVERY MAN: Uuhhhh... Thanks. Have a good one.

  • Chief: bai bai

The delivery man leaves.

  • Chief: wtf is this

Scene 3: The package Edit

cuts to the package: it is a Halo 2 Arbiter figurine in a plastic box. Chief watches it from the couch, unsure what to do with it. However, his suspicion is broken when a player from the match he's in yells at him over the headset.

PLAYER: Hey! Stop being AFK, we need help!

  • Chief: i r sry

Chief plays Halo 3 and rejoins the match he was in when he got distracted; he drives into a windmill on a Mongoose while trying to follow his teammates in a Warthog, then tries to back out of where he is to rejoin them.

PLAYER: Dude, you fucking suck, man!

  • Chief: may b u shud smoek my pole

A noise from the kitchen is heard. Chief stands up from the couch; he is momentarily distracted looking back at the T.V. as one of the players shoots his character for being AFK again and not helping; when he turns back to investigate the noise, he sees that the plastic box has broken open.

  • Chief: omgwtfbbq [looks around] this r not gud

Chief grabs a knife and enters the kitchen, trying to call out whoever's there.

  • Chief: cum out u bitch

[After a beat, Chief gets smashed in the back with a frying pan and is sent flying into the side of the fridge]

  • Chief: OW [whoever struck him from behind drops the frying pan and begins stomping on him] :( { sad face } who the fuck r u

[camera view goes up, revealing Arbiter]

ARBITER: My name is the Arbiter. Mother fucker.

Scene 4: Great relationship Edit

"Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme starts playing; cut to both figurines sitting on a couch. Arbiter is now playing Halo 3.

  • Chief: ya i used jons credit card
  • Arbiter: Who's Jon?
  • Chief: teh human taht lives here w/ meh
  • Arbiter: I see. Do you think the maps were worth ten dollars?
  • Chief: ya. who dusnt hav ten dol3rz?/ i wipe my ass w/ 10 dol3rz!1
  • Arbiter [interrupts him]: That's not what I asked. I asked if you thought that the maps were worth it.
  • Chief: i dun undrst4nd teh difrense
  • Arbiter: I didn't think so. Personally, I don't think the maps were worth ten dollars.
  • Chief: y

[As Arbiter talks, we see him easily killing enemy players left and right, whether through hijacking Ghosts and turning them on their previous pilots, nailing a Double Kill with the MA5C Assault Rifle, getting a Spartan Laser kill, or racking up a Double, then Triple Kill, with the Sniper Rifle, before the match is over]

  • Arbiter: Rat's Nest and Standoff just don't appeal to me very much gameplay-wise, so really, if I paid the ten dollars, all I'd probably be doing is messing around in Foundry, which doesn't really seem worth a sixth of the game's retail price to me. And the Foundry's "sandbox" idea sounds like something that should have shipped with the game to begin with, considering Halo 3 has eleven maps, not enough of which are close-quarters maps, and Call of Duty 4 has like, twenty. You can argue that Call of Duty 4 multiplayer maps use identical geometry as the campaign mode so they're not really "new" environments and you could say that Infinity Ward "cut corners" in that respect, but it doesn't detract from the fun in either mode regardless. My point is that I don't really think the Heroic Map Pack is worth it. The map pack should have been a freebie, in my opinion.
  • Chief: taht wuz quit3 a mouthful!!1 / i gess ur used 2 that kind of thign
  • Arbiter: Nice one! I see what you did there. Instead of addressing my points, you took everything that I said and turned it into a sexual joke, implying that I suck men's penises. Fantastic.
  • Arbiter: "LOL" indeed.
  • Chief: w/e / ur just 2 p00r 2 affoerd teh new mapz
  • Arbiter: It's not a competition about who has the most money, you fucking idiot. It's about a personal sense of worth. But I guess that's a concept that's too complex for your hopeless, juvenile, idiotic brain to understand.
  • Chief: hahhahahhah / ur p00r / u cant affoerd stuff
  • Arbiter: Sigh.
  • Chief: my turn
  • Chief leans over, trying to wrestle the controller away from Arbiter so he can play, but Arbiter resists for a bit.
  • Arbiter: Fuck that.
  • Chief: gimme t3h controll4r
  • Arbiter: Go to hell. I'm playing.
  • Chief: gimme
  • Arbiter: What are you, a fucking six-year-old?
  • Chief: gimme teh fucking control3r!!1!
  • Arbiter: God damnit, fine.

Arbiter relents and lets Chief take the controller. Chief plays for a while, but gets killed.

  • Arbiter: You. Are. Fucking. Pathetic.
  • Chief: shut ur hoel
  • Arbiter: Of course, you go for the rockets first because you can't get a kill any other way.
  • Chief: rokitz taek sk1ll, n00b
  • Arbiter: Oh please.
  • Chief: stfu

Chief scores a kill with the Rocket Launcher.

  • Arbiter: Wow, good job.
  • Chief: hhahahah thx
  • Arbiter: I was being sarcastic.
  • Chief: so wuz ur face
  • Arbiter: And of course, as I expected, you mindlessly spam grenades.
  • Chief: its takticul, n00b
  • Arbiter: Tactical my ass. Your first reaction is to throw a grenade at a guy because you're too scared to fall back on your shitty aiming skills with a weapon.
  • Chief: i can sh00t, i jus dun want 2
  • Arbiter: Bullshit. Let's see.

[Chief tries and fails to shoot another player; gets killed]

  • Arbiter: Ha ha ha ha ha! You fucking suck.
  • Chief: fuck this / im not playign n e moer
  • Arbiter: Fucking crybaby. [grabs the controller]

Arbiter plays.

  • Arbiter: Ha ha! Yes! Overkill!

[gets bashed with a frying pan by Chief]

  • Arbiter: This is going to be a great relationship. I can tell.

["Hybrid Moments" starts playing; credits]

director's notes:

Thanks for watching. There will be
more. I only ask you for one thing in
return, stop asking me when I'll submit
it. It'll be done when it's done, same
goes for everything else I make.