← "Wedding" "Professional" "Face-Off" →

Scene 1: Jon's apartment Edit

(Gunfire can be heard from the television, as Arbiter is playing on the Xbox. Chief is standing is front of the computer monitor. He turns to face Arbiter)

  • Chief: HAY ARBITUR / chek it otu / new HALO 3: RECON gaempley footage!!!1one!
  • Arbiter: Bullshit.
  • Chief: no srsly bungi3 juts liek postid it a minit ag0 cum C
  • Arbiter: No they didn't. You're full of shit.
  • Chief: arbitur SRSLY cum l00k its so ossim-
  • Arbiter: I already know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work.
  • Chief: SRSLEH
  • Arbiter: Shut up.
  • Chief: IM NOT FUCK1NG LYING U FAG its on bungi3s frunt paej adn sum1 put it on U tueb / COME SEE FAGGOT

(Arbiter pauses his game)

  • Arbiter: God dammit.

(He approaches the computer monitor next to Chief and grabs the mouse)

  • Arbiter: If this is what I think it is I'm gonna kick your ass.

Chief stifles silent laughter with his hand and quickly runs away.

  • Chief: :D [silent]

(The computer monitor displays a video with the words "Halo 3: Recon" written while dramatic music plays)

  • Arbiter: ...I swear to God...

(It suddenly cuts to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up". Arbiter grabs a nearby box of tissues and hurls them at Chief, who has taken the Xbox controller and is now sitting on the couch)

  • Chief: LOL!
  • Arbiter: YOU'RE A FUCKING DOUCHE. That shit is SO overdone. I bet Rick Astley is pissed right off.

(He sits down next to Chief)

  • Chief: i acshuly juts wantid teh ecksbawkz
  • Arbiter: I FIGURED.
  • Chief: MAI NEW FRIND IS ON HALO3 RITE NAO / u gots 2 m33t him / HES SO COOL
  • Arbiter: Well if he's any cooler than "xXxSm0k3w33d4LyPh3420xXx" then I HAVE to meet him. Your taste in friends is impeccable.
  • Chief: eh dosint lissin 2 his praents 0R claen his r00m!1
  • Arbiter: Sounds like a real hardass!
  • Chief: YA / adn get tihs: / HES MLG!!1one!1
  • Arbiter: WHOOPEE.

Scene 2: Meeting Craig Edit

(Arbiter and Chief join two Spartan model players on the Foundry map)

  • Chief: craig!!1 / CRAIG!!1eleven+shift!11one!11! / ITS MEH / MASTUR CH33F

CRAIG: Oh, [puffs] hey, Mister Chief, whatever. [Aside, to the female Spartan next to him] This guy's such a loser. He's not even MLG like I am.

(The female Spartan giggles)

CRAIG: How's it goin' big guy?

  • Chief: G00D

CRAIG: You been, uh, practising so you can join my professional MLG team?

  • Chief: YA YA YA

CRAIG: [aside to his companion] He never will. Fuckin' loser.

(The female Spartan giggles again. Craig looks at Arbiter but speaks to Chief)

CRAIG: Who's your little friend?

  • Chief: O SRY CRAIG / tihs r mai frind teh arbitur / ARBITUR / SAE HAI
  • Arbiter: Hi.

CRAIG: Hey buddy. You, uh, [sniffs] MLG like I am?

  • Arbiter: No.

(Craig and his friend both laugh to themselves)

CRAIG: Yeah. You're never short of a few mediocre players in your midst on this game, that's for damn sure.


CRAIG: Oh you know. Just, uh, been doing some important, uh, MLG stuff, Major League Gaming, very important, [Arbiter shakes his head in disbelief] with some other professional MLG players...

  • Chief: HOLY SHIT

CRAIG: ...And, uh...


CRAIG: ...And, uh, just hanging out with my hot girlfriend here. Have you met Krystal?

  • Krystal: [giggles] I like alpha males. I have no personality. [giggles]
  • Arbiter: Looks like a match made in heaven. I haven't heard you mentioned at all, Craig. Where have you played recently?

CRAIG: Oh, uh, y-y-y-you know that place? [Krystal looks at him] I forget the name of the place. There's--there's a big place, like an big im-important place somewhere in like, you know, that - that whole area. It was pretty big.

  • Chief: TAHTS S0 C00L CRAIG
  • Arbiter: Oh yeah? Who were you playing against?

CRAIG: Uh, th-this - this um, professional team, MLG team, th-they - they were good but, not as good as me, but...

(Krystal giggles)

  • Chief: I <3 [less than three] U CRAIG

CRAIG: But, but err... What was their name again? Uh, started with a, uh, what did it start with...?

  • Arbiter: You haven't actually played any official MLG matches, have you?

CRAIG: [pause] Sorry, I've got some important MLG stuff to do. Would you guys mind leaving? Some, uh [sniffs] other big professional MLG guys are gonna be joining in a minute, and I need this space so...

  • Arbiter: A room full of big MLG guys, huh? I'd better check your "party details" once I leave and skim over the names! See if there's anyone I recognize!

CRAIG: Uh, actually, I don't--I don't think the, um, the--the party detail thing--the Xbox Live thing is working--uh, I-I mean actually I thi--I think the meetup is tomorrow actually, yeah my mistake. Err, I-I-I don't think they're joining today.

  • Arbiter: Oh! Then you won't mind if we stay then.

(Krystal looks at Craig)

CRAIG: Err...

  • Arbiter: Just messing with you, Craig. I gotta go anyway, there's things I need to do.

CRAIG: ...Oh [snorts] well good thing actually because those professional players are joining my game today, so, yeah the meetup actually is today so I was wrong, so yeah, if you could just get out, that would be great.

  • Chief: :(! { sad face } / can i stay craig?/ / plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CRAIG: Sorry champ. This room's for professional MLG players only. But keep practising cowboy. Maybe one day.

  • Chief: yaaayyyyyyyy

CRAIG: [aside to Krystal] As if that'll ever happen.

(Krystal giggles)

  • Arbiter: Nice meeting you, Craig. You too, Krystal! I can tell your relationship will be long and prosperous!
  • Krystal: Oh my gosh, thank you!

(Arbiter and Chief leave the room)

CRAIG: Heh. What a couple of fuckin' losers.

(Krystal giggles)

CRAIG: Did you know? This one time, I actually almost drank a whole can of beer.

  • Krystal: [gasps] Like, oh my God, really? [giggles]

CRAIG: Yep. Almost a whole fuckin' can.

(Back in the apartment, Arbiter chucks his controller down and stands up. He walks away with one hand on his forehead, as if he has a headache)

  • Arbiter: HOLY fucking shit.
  • Chief: arbitur u wer n0t vry niec 2 craig
  • Arbiter: FUCK Craig! Craig's an asshole!
  • Chief: :O { surprised face }
  • Arbiter: I knew you had a shit taste in friends but I didn't know it was THAT fucking bad.

Secne 3: The Next Day Edit

(The screen fades to black, with white text reading "The Next Day". Arbiter opens the fridge and grabs a can of beer. He carries it away and notices Chief sitting in the hallway, facing away from him)

  • Arbiter: What the hell? Chief?
  • Chief: :'( { crying face } / go weeyy
  • Arbiter: What's the matter? Run out of vaseline again?
  • Chief: snif / its craig [he wipes his face with a tissue]
  • Arbiter: What ABOUT that douche?
  • Chief: him adn his frinds maed fuN of meh / maed meh crai / :(! { sad face }
  • Arbiter: Well maybe NOW you'll learn to pick better friends.
  • Chief: adn he calld u a cockmongling queefburg3r / :'(! { crying face }

(Arbiter tosses aside his beer. Dramatic music begins to play)

  • Arbiter: Come on. [he hauls Chief up and drags him in the direction of the lounge.]
  • Chief: o shit / wur we goign?/
  • Arbiter: We're gonna have a LITTLE chat with Craig.

(The dramatic music ends and the words "TO BE CONTINUED" appear)

End credits roll)