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← "Pilot" "Recon" "Attitude" →
This is the transcript for the Season 1 episode, Recon.

Scene 1: Living RoomEdit

Chief is using the computer, looking at Bungie.net, while Arbiter is playing Halo 3 online. Chief looks towards Arbiter and the TV, surprised by what he's doing.

  • Chief: wat the hell r u doign
  • Arbiter: What the hell does it look like? I'm playing Halo 3.
  • Chief: i thot u sed u h8ed bungie
  • Arbiter: No, I said I wasn't completely satisfied with the heroic map pack, and for valid reasons. I still love Bungie, and I think Halo 3 is great.
  • Chief: but l00k / they hav a link 2 arby n ch33f epis0d 1 / it r say h33r bungie h8 u / they sey ur disgrasefel

As Chief is saying this, the computer screen shows a post from one person named Frankie, talking about "Pilot", with a link and saying not to click it whether you agree with what Chief said in said episode or not.

  • Arbiter: They're being sarcastic, retard. It wouldn't make sense for them to post a link to a video on their front page that they honestly didn't like and give it a lot more attention. But of course, idiots like you jump to conclusions and go running your mouth off without putting an ounce of thought into anything first. I bet you're probably typing a comment RIGHT NOW saying how much Bungie hates me.

Chief is seen on YouTube, doing exactly what Arbiter thinks he is doing. He quickly exits the browser by clicking the "Close" button at the top right of the browser window.

  • Chief: no / stfu
  • Arbiter: Don't you think it's a little insulting to Bungie? You're assuming that they can't take any criticism, despite how involved they are with their fanbase in comparison to other game developers.
  • Chief: i duno

Arbiter looks at Chief.

  • Arbiter: You don't even think about any of this kind of stuff, do you?

A brief pause follows.

  • Chief: no

Arbiter looks back at the TV screen and continues playing.

  • Arbiter: Sad, really. Frankie can't make a simple sarcastic comment without people like you flying off the handle and bashing Bungie who type before they think. I guess that's the price they pay for interacting with their fans, but it's definitely too high a price for something so admirable.
  • Chief: blow me
  • Arbiter: Why is it that you can never come up with an intelligent retort? It's always cock jokes with you.
  • Chief: taht r wut ur mom sed last nite!1 LLOOOLLOL!!1
  • Arbiter: Or mom jokes.

Chief walks over to the sofa and sits down next to Arbiter.

  • Chief: r u playign w/ katana body p33ce?/
  • Arbiter: No.
  • Chief: y
  • Arbiter: I like my guy better without it. What difference does it make?
  • Chief: so ppl no taht i got all teh atch33vmints adn 1000 gam3rpoeentz!1one
  • Arbiter: Yeah, as if anyone over eight years old gives a fuck.
  • Chief: it showz ppl i r b3ttr tahn th3m!1!!eleven!!1
  • Arbiter: But it doesn't even prove anything. I watched you get the achievements. You just used that language filter trick in matchmaking and worked together with other people in Lone Wolves to get them. There wasn't any skill involved, so how are you better than anyone else?

Another brief pause occurs.

  • Chief: :(, u adn ur big wurdz
  • Arbiter: I'm not even using big words. You're just an idiot. You should try reading a book one of these days instead of logging on to fucking lolcats.com all the time.

Scene 2: HallEdit

Later, Chief is sitting in the hall with a piece of paper with a lot of stuff written on it. Arbiter shows up.

  • Arbiter: What have you got there, Chief?
  • Chief: secret!!1

Chief pokes Arbiter with his pen.

  • Chief: go away
  • Arbiter: Come on. Please?
  • Chief: ok, but u cant tel n e 1
  • Arbiter: Okay. What is it?
  • Chief: my plan 2 get rec0n armer from bungie
  • Arbiter: May I see?
  • Chief: k

Arbiter looks at Chief's plan.

  • Arbiter: This plan is incredibly complex.
  • Chief: ty
  • Arbiter: Seems pretty bulletproof, with a few minor flaws, such as how you're going to get your hands on... ...the team of invisible ninjas... ...the magnifying glass the size of Redmond, Washington... and the Batmobile. And Sam Fisher is a fictional character. Same goes for Chris Redfield, Solid Snake and Captain MacMillan. Even if they were real, I doubt you'd get a hold of the Millennium Falcon for them to skydive from.
  • Chief: u dun <3 it?/ y
  • Arbiter: It's a fantastic plan! It's just that the things you require seem somewhat... ...out of reach.

Master Chief drops his pen and leans against the wall, having become very sad after finding out that his plan won't work.

  • Chief: :'(

Arbiter walks over to Chief to comfort him.

  • Arbiter: Now, now, Chief. Don't fret! Why not just send Bungie an e-mail?
  • Chief: they wun giv it 2 meh......
  • Arbiter: You never know! Maybe if it's well-written and you explain what a huge fan you are...!
  • Chief: u think so??
  • Arbiter: Sure I do!
  • Chief: :)

Scene 3: Living Room (Later)Edit

Chief is typing his e-mail to Bungie, while Arbiter is reading Halo: Contact Harvest.

  • Chief: k done

Arbiter has a look at Chief's email, which simply says "can i haz recon plz", with a lot of extra Zs.

  • Arbiter: It doesn't look like you put any thought into this e-mail. All you've written is "can i haz recon", and the word plz, and it looks like you just held the Z key down for five minutes.
  • Chief: i think the moar zs i put in plz, teh mawr chans they r wil give meh rec0n
  • Arbiter: I don't think that's how it works, Chief. Here, I'll write a letter for you.

Chief goes to play Halo 3, while Arbiter writes the e-mail to Bungie. While Arbiter types, Chief plays poorly as he drives a Mongoose around the map and gets blown up riding it

  • Chief: tel them i hav a diz33z
  • Arbiter: I'm not gonna lie to Bungie about you having a fatal illness.
  • Chief: tel them i hav....... SUP3R CANSIR
  • Arbiter: I'm not telling them you have cancer, and there's no such thing as "super cancer". That's not funny.
  • Chief: plz
  • Arbiter: No. Shut up.

Arbiter finishes writing the e-mail.

  • Arbiter: Alright, there we go. A nice, well-written e-mail. I'm sure Bungie will consider it!

Arbiter presses the Enter key to send the email, then sits down beside Chief.

  • Arbiter: Now we'll just wait and see what happens.
  • Chief: wat if bungie dun giv it 2 meh?
  • Arbiter: There there, Master Chief. There there. 

​A little pause occours, and the soundtrack stops roughly.]

  • Arbiter: Can I play Call of Duty 4 now?
  • Chief: fuck u

"Grace Kelly" theme starts playing; afterwards, Master Chief is using the computer and Arbiter is playing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare on the map, Bog, as the OpFor, the enemy faction. Chief is looking at lolcats.com, and turns to Arbiter for a moment.

  • Chief: traiter, so u must h8 halo now if ur playign cock of doody 4
  • Arbiter: Yeah. As soon as I stop playing Halo, that means I hate it.
  • Chief: thot so
  • Arbiter: Just keep looking at your lolcats pictures. Retard.
  • Chief: i wil!!1one

Chief turns back to the computer and looks at lolcats.com again.

  • Chief: LOL!!!1!

Chief scrolls down the page.

  • Chief: LMAO!1!!

He scrolls down once more.

  • Chief: ROFL!!1!!!!1one!!

End credits roll.