| ← "Low on Hearts" | "Rock Bottom" | "Hypernews I" → |
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Scene 1: Boneyard[]
[A player is seen heading towards the map center; Chief comes out from camping and attacks the player with a shotgun]
CHIEF: UR GOING DOWN / adn teh only oen 2 go down in front of me fastar than ur abot 2 is ur mothar / LOLOLOLOLOL
[Chief kills the player and runs toward another one]
'CHIEF': HAY DUSHBAG / HEDS ^ [up]
[The other player is shown to be Cody Hammond]
CODY: You're still mouthing everyone off?
CHIEF: no just ur mom / if u catch mai drift buddeh / no wat im sayign? / hahahahahahaah
CODY: You need to get a life.
CHIEF: NO U GET A LIEF / in fact u just mite in teh forms of a bebbeh brothar or sistar / GEDDIT? / BOW CHIKA WOW WOW / ROFLL
CODY: [laughs] It doesn't matter how many innuendos regarding my mother you're able to formulate. You ultimately remain a loser.
CHIEF: no u
CODY: I'm quite the opposite of a loser actually; about as far from as you can be in this game. 3.4 K/D spread. What's yours? .3? That's awful.
CHIEF: ur awfull
CODY: Are you able to articulate a response that goes intellectually beyond just shoveling what I say to you back at me, like snow from a driveway?
CHIEF: YES
CODY: Okay, go ahead.
CHIEF: UR FUCKING RETARTED
CODY: No I'm not.
CHIEF: yes u r / u wanna 1v1 meh?
[Master Chief then patronizingly approaches Cody]
CHIEF: u wanna 1v1 me? / u wanna 1v1 me? / u wanna 1v1 me? / u wanna 1v1 me? / u wanna 1v1 me? / u wanna 1v1 me?
CODY: Okay fine! You got it, let's 1v1. You name the time and the place.
CHIEF: COUNTDOWN / NAO
CODY: I can't right now. I'm heading out right after this match.
CHIEF: ya 2 hide and crai cuz ur fucking chicken shit
CODY: Because I'm grabbing lunch!
CHIEF: yeah im totaly beleving u u fucking pussy
CODY: Tonight, seven.
CHIEF: fien / AND BRING UR FRENDS / ill kick theyre asses too
CODY: I can ask my partner if he wants to join, if that's what you want. You really think you can take us on yourself? C'mon bro. [laughs] As if you even stand a chance to stand against me alone.
CHIEF: 2 ESEY LOL
- Cody Hammond: Suit yourself. You'll be eating those words. [laughs]
- Master Chief: no ill be eating ur moms-
[The game over jingle is heard from the announcer]
- CODY: Beat you then.
- CHIEF: beat me off
[Fade to black; opening credits roll]
Scene 2: Jon's apartment[]
Arbiter is seen sitting on the apartment floor.
- Chief: HAY! SNAP OUT OF IT
- Arbiter: Sorry.
- Chief: so dos u thinks the show shud opin w/ technodicks or haev it @ teh ednz / or mebbeh boths / LOL
- Arbiter: Or maybe neither.
- Chief: vry funeh
- Arbiter: If "techno dicks" is in, then I'm out.
- Chief: ITS IN / all the way baby / lololololol
Arbiter starts walking away.
- Arbiter: Okay. Peace.
- Chief: ur an indicuer litel bitch man
- Arbiter: No, you're insane.
- Chief: no u
- Arbiter: Yeah, I must be for thinking this could work out.
Greg watches as Arbiter leaves the room.
- Chief: somoeoen n33ds to pull that bug out his a$$ / and all the dildos adn carrots and shit hahhahahhah / god damn greg / i get hao natures like all crazy adn shit but wat the hell / ur hideis / lol
Greg just stares back at him.
Arbiter is briefly seen in the bathtub with a bottle of booze. Music starts playing. He is then seen playing "The Secret of Monkey Island" on the Sega Genesis. Greg crawls onto the chair to see him.
- Arbiter: [startled] Hey, Greg.
- Greg: y u :(?
- Arbiter: Nothing. It's dumb.
Greg starts waving his Post-It card in frustration.
- Arbiter: ... And old online flirt's getting married. To the guy getting interviewed on that show we watched the other day, believe it or not.
- Greg:
y u:(?
- Arbiter: Whatever. No one said life would be fair. I can't believe he completely dismisses storytelling in games. It's exactly what makes games like this so compelling.
- Greg: work on show channel ur angries >:(
- Arbiter: I'm not working with Chief. He's a fucking idiot.
Chief shows up.
- Chief: excues me whos a fuckign idiet
- Arbiter: You are. I don't think I stuttered, did I? Greg, did I stutter?
- Chief: OK THATS ENOGH BABBY GAEMS FOAR TODAY ARBITUR / ive got a copple bitchiz 2 domineate on r33ch / teh real mans gaem
- Arbiter: No. You've played enough today.
- Chief: ITS A PRIVAETS MATCH W/ SUM DUDES FUDGEPACKER / I N33DS TEH XBOX
- Arbiter: A private match? Like, you challenged somebody?
- Chief: ya man / im gona clean theyre cocks
- Arbiter: "Clocks".
- Chief: im gona cl33n theyre clocks
- Arbiter: You and who?
- Chief: ME AND MY ASS SALT RIFFLE / LOL
- Arbiter: Beware Chief and his deadly ass salt. ... So it's just you versus these guys? I'd actually like to see this. Don't ask me why, but I have the hunch you'll be utterly decimated. I could sure use a giggle.
Arbiter turns off the Sega Genesis and hands Chief an Xbox controller.
Arbiter: TV's all yours. Buddy.
Scene 3: Countdown []
Cody Hammond and his partner Cameron Jones are seen on the balcony area waiting for Chief.
- Cody Hammond: I told him seven.
- Cameron Jones: Guess he pussied out. Can't say I'm surprised.
- Cody Hammond: Nor me. That guy's all talk.
Chief runs out to the balcony and joins them.
- Chief: O HAI GAIZ
- Cameron Jones: Ah, look who decided to show up. What took you so long?
- Cody Hammond: Don't-- He'll just--!
- Chief: SORRY I WAS AT UR MOMS HOUSE / WHAT A RIDE / CAN U SAE MOTARBOAT / RBRBRBBBBRBBRBRBRBBRBRBBBBRBRB
- Cameron Jones: You ready to do this?
- Chief: READY AS SPAGETI
Arbiter and Chief are seen sitting in the game chair.
- Arbiter: This is gonna be fantastic.
- Chief: i no hahhahh
Back to the game.
- Cameron: You're pretty stupid, but at least you're gutsy. This'll be amusing.
Cody and Cameron both cloak.
Chief runs through the left door and is immediately sniped by Cameron.
- Chief: WTF / THATS BULSHIT
Chief is then seen on the third level charging his spartan laser. Cameron snipes him again.
- Chief: WHAT THE HELL SRSLY
Chief is seen trying to attack Cameron. Cameron fires with his DMR and Chief goes into Armor lock. He then unlocks and gets no-scoped.
- Chief: THIS ISNT FAER
Chief is seen running across the first floor.
- Chief: U GUYS A FUCKING CH33TING
Cody kills Chief with a rocket.
- Chief: CH33T3RZ / OMG UR HACKING / STOP HACKING OR IMA REPORTS U
Chief runs across the second level charging his laser.
- Chief: LAG LAG LAG LAG LAG
Cameron snipes Chief.
- In-game Announcer: Killing spree!
Chief is attacked by Cody with a shotgun.
- Chief: LOLOLOLOL LAG MUCH?
Chief dies.
- Chief: THIS IS THE LAGIEST FUCKING GAME IVE EVAR PLAEYD
Chief fires his laser at the catwalk.
- Chief: GOD DAMIT I WANT TEH SWROD / IM AWSOM WITH THAT GUN
A rocket aimed at Chief is fired at the camera. He is killed by it.
- Chief: HOST ADVATNDGE / HOLY SHIT THIS GAEM IS SO BADLY PROGRAMED
Chief runs up to Cameron firing his assault rifle, he goes into armor lock. He is killed as soon as he unlocks.
- Chief: WOW THE ASALT RIFEL IS SRSLY SUCH A BAD WEPEN
Chief walks by and Cameron uncloaks behind him.
- Cameron: You had enough?
- Chief: JOKES ON U LOL
Camera cuts to Arbiter and Master Chief in the couch.
- Chief: i dont spend evry secund of mai lief playign this gaem
- Arbiter: Yes you do.
- Chief: i acshuly has a lief
- Arbiter: No you don't.
- Chief: SHUT UP ARBITUR
Back to the game.
- Cameron: I think the point's been made. It's been fun whooping some fresh noob ass.
- Chief: YEH U LOVE FRESH ASS DONT U
- Cameron: Joke away; you lost! Deal with it.
- Cody: If you aren't satisfied with that whoop-ass rationed to you, feel free to send us another invite anytime, bro.
- Cameron: Two helpings, two fists, up in your ass!
- Cody: [laughs]
- Chief: FUCK YOU
Cameron and Cody exit the server and Chief jumps around and fires his weapon in anger.
In the real world Chief throws the controller and pounds his fists on the floor.
- Chief: FUCK
- Arbiter: Hahahahahahaha!
- Chief: [bangs head into couch] FUCKING SHIT BALLS
- Arbiter: Calm down.
- Chief: U CALM DOWN
Chief storms out of the room.
Scene 4: Jon's Apartment[]
Arbiter is seen sitting in the bathtub with a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass. Chief appears on the side of the tub.
- Chief: shaer the welth bro
They are both seen sitting in the tub drinking.
- Chief: u no wat arbitur
- Arbiter: What?
- Chief: i think i mihgt acshuly suck @ halo
- Arbiter: You're kidding.
- Chief: no str8 up man / all i do is play halo arbitur / hwo cum i is so bad?
- Arbiter: I think you're just not putting your mind to it. You expect everyone to fall at your feet using your shitty, repetitive tactics. You know, it's the definition of insanity to perform the same action over and over and expect a different outcome each time. You really are insane.
- Chief: arbitur im very very very :( [sad face]
- Arbiter: So am I, Chief.
- Chief: HOW CUM UR :( [sad face]
- Arbiter: I fully realized that I'm gonna be alone forever.
- Chief: but i is here
- Arbiter: ... Hooray.
- Chief: :3 [lion face]
- Arbiter: You'll forgive me for containing my joy. We need a distraction. You wanna give this show thing another shot?
A montage is shown of Arbiter, Chief and Greg preparing their film set to be used.
Four days later.
- Arbiter: Well, guys. I think we're ready to tape our first episode.
- Chief: r we rdy as spageti
- Arbiter: Yes. Ready as spaghetti.
- Chief: hi fiev
Arbiter and Chief high-five.
- Chief: so im host rite
- Arbiter: No, I'm the show host, obviously.
- Chief: well you can oviusly suck my dick / fuck u im not doign it then lol
Chief starts walking away.
- Arbiter: Oh what the hell! Seriously?! Fine! ... You can be the host.
Chief runs back in joy.
- Chief: YEEEEEEYYYY
- Arbiter: Sigh.
Credits roll. The end.