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← "Face-Off" "Showdown" "Glitch" →

Scene 1: Preparation Edit

Chief is sitting on the sofa, controller in hand; Arbiter stands next to him.

  • Arbiter: It's almost one o'clock. You ready?
  • Chief: alm0st / i ned an0thr b33r

Arbiter grabs a can of beer and places it beside Chief.

  • Arbiter: You've had quite a few already...
  • Chief: b33r maeks meh pleh liek profishnal
  • Arbiter: [without a subtitle: Well, ] At least you're not overdoing it. [shot of multiple empty beer cans on the sofa] I suppose that's the important thing...
  • Chief: ok let us do this shit
  • Arbiter: Wait a minute. [points to a can] I think that can says "non-alcoholic".
  • Chief: rly?/

While Chief is distracted, Arbiter turns off his controller.

  • Chief: haaay / u lie liek a fly w/ a b0ger in its eye
  • Arbiter: My mistake. [puts a hand on Chief's shoulder] Good luck, Chief.
  • Chief: i dun nu33d luk / remimbr u sed i wuz ossim!1 / .......rite...?//
  • Arbiter: ...Right.

Arbiter walks away, behind a cushion to the left of Chief; pan to Arbiter sitting with a controller.

Scene 2: Blackout Edit

[Craig appears on the map; Chief, unknowingly being controlled by Arbiter, joins]

CRAIG: Heh! So, Mister Chief. You ready to... lose?

  • Chief: thurs onleh 1 ppl who r lose 2dae / adn gess who it is / IS U / AFTR I BEETS U / @ TIHS GAEM / LOL!

CRAIG: Heh! Yeah we'll see about that.

The battle begins.

CRAIG: Gotta get the Energy Sword first. I gotta hold all the power weapons. He better not have it already. I want it, I want it, I'm gonna get it! He better not get it, it's mine. I need it to win! I gotta have the Energy Sword, it better be there! Yes! I've got it! Yes! I got the Energy Sword! God, I'm so good!

Chief approaches the spot where Craig took the Energy Sword.

  • Arbiter: Wow. Who saw THAT coming.
  • Chief: WERE THE FUCK IS TEH ENGRY SWROD

.Craig approaches the Rocket Launcher.

CRAIG: Come on... Come on. Yes! Fuck yeah! I'm so awesome!

Chief approaches the spot where the Rocket Launcher was

  • Arbiter: Douche took the rocket launcher too. What a fucking pussy.
  • Chief: O NOEZ / he r taek al mai favrit wep0n

Craig finds a vantage point on the map and stays there, crouched, alternating between his two weapons.

CRAIG: Yes! Phew, I made it. Now I can just camp here. This game is mine!

Craig bombards Chief with grenades.

  • Arbiter: I don't fucking believe this kid. Stop camping you little jack-off!

Chief is fragged. On Jon's sofa, Chief throws down his controller and stands up.

  • Chief: i needs 2 drikn MOAR B33R

He starts to leave, but looks back at the television, noticing his in-game character is active; Chief looks down at his controller, then toward the cushion that Arbiter is hiding behind.

In the game, Chief attempts to sneak up on Craig and opens fire with the assault rifle; Craig panics, but quickly frags him with the Rocket Launcher.

  • Arbiter: FUCK! This is ridiculous!

Arbiter turns, notices Chief standing atop the cushion, looking at him; melodic music begins to play.

  • Chief: arbitur / u......... / lied 2 meh?/
  • Arbiter: Chief...

Chief abruptly turns and runs away, arms flailing.

  • Chief: U THIKNS I SUK / :'( !! { crying face }
  • Arbiter: Chief, wait!

CRAIG: [breathing heavily] Man. I'm so fucking good at this game! No one's as good as me! Ah yeah, it's all about map and weapon control, yeah. God, I have such a hard-on right now. Hm. [starts masturbating] Oh yeah. Oh, I'm so good at this game! Oh yeah, I'm such a winner! Oh, yeah!

Scene 3: Remotivated Edit

Chief is back sitting on the couch with a controller; Arbiter rests a hand on his shoulder.

  • Arbiter: I'm sorry, Chief. I should have had faith in you.
  • Chief: so dos u rly thikns i cn baet craig??
  • Arbiter: I don't doubt it for a second. You can do anything you set your mind to!
  • Chief: :) { smiley face }
  • Arbiter: Break a leg, champ!

Chief speaks into the headset.

  • Chief: U HEAR THAT FAGGOT / IM COMIGN FOR UR ASS
  • Arbiter: ...Please God...

[Back on Blackout]

CRAIG: [masturbating] Aw, yeah! I'm so awesome! It's no wonder I'm MLG! Oh yeah!

CRAIG'S MOM: Craig? What do you want for dinner, sweetie?

CRAIG: Ah! Mom, no! Wait, get out!

CRAIG'S MOM: Oh my God! Craig?! What are you doing?! Are you masturbating?!

CRAIG: No, no! Mom, I was just fixing my jeans!

CRAIG'S DAD: What the hell's going on in here?

CRAIG: Dad!

CRAIG'S DAD: The fuck is this? You jerkin' it, son?

CRAIG: No no no, I'm not--Get out of my room!

CRAIG'S MOM: Oh my God, my baby! My baby's masturbating!

With Craig distracted by his parents and their reaction to his inappropriate behavior, Chief shoots erratically at a motionless Craig with an Assault Rifle, only managing to frag him when he's standing right next to him; he teabags Craig.

  • Arbiter: ...You... ...actually got a kill?!
  • Chief: BOOM HEDSHOT
  • Arbiter: ...Keep going!

[Chief riddles Craig with bullets, fragging him again. All the while, Craig is unable to retaliate as he is still dealing with his parents.]

CRAIG: No no, Mom, I wasn't masturbating. Really! My--my pants were just like, itchy! So I-I-I swear, I wasn't!

[Chief melees Craig]

CRAIG'S MOM: Oh my God, my baby! My baby's defiling himself!

[Chief frags Craig with a Rocket Launcher, then teabags him.]

CRAIG'S DAD: I don't see what the big deal is. Good for you, son.

CRAIG'S MOM: Don't contradict me in front of Craig, Robert! You always contradict me!

CRAIG'S DAD: Yeah, 'cause you're always being a fucking bitch!

CRAIG'S MOM: [gasps] How dare you?!

CRAIG: Mom! Dad! Get out of my room!

  • Chief: MLG?? / [aims the Sniper Rifle at Craig; beat] I DISAGREE!!1 [shoots the explosives behind Craig, fragging him, then toggles crouching.] hhahhhah eat my poo craig

[shot of the headset; Craig is heard sobbing as he realizes that his argument with his parents just cost him his match with Chief, who he had thought was insignificant compared to him.]

CRAIG: I lost! I lost to a noob! I'm MLG! I can't lose! [sobs] No one's gonna think I'm cool anymore! [sobs]

  • Arbiter: No one gives a shit you blubbering suck-ass pussy. [Arbiter switches the Xbox off]

Scene 4: Valhalla Edit

[A blue Spartan spawns on the map; he approaches two players who are obscured by the camera]

NEW PLAYER: Um, excuse me? I-I heard you actually beat an MLG player. Is--Is that true? Think you can, uh, give me some pointers?

[Pan up to reveal the two players are Master Chief and Krystal, Craig's ex-girlfriend after learning of his defeat by Chief.]

  • Chief: SORRY FAGGOT / TIHS ROM 4 PROFISHNAL PLEYARS ONLEH

NEW PLAYER: Wait! No!

[He is shot by Chief's Sniper Rifle]

  • Chief: ROFLOL

[Krystal giggles; beat; Chief's Spartan turns to look at her.]

  • Chief: TITTIES OR GTFO

[Krystal gasps at Chief's perverted demand, then melees Chief in anger for his disrespect, who falls down the hill]

  • Chief: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[credits]