← "Hypernews II" "Stag Night" "Cheaters" →
This is the transcript for Season 5 episode, Stag Night.

Scene 1: PowerhouseEdit

On the map Powerhouse, Arbiter is seen running forwards before firing a DMR. Claire is seen shooting a pistol in a closed off room.

  • Claire:: So it's just the three of you?
  • Arbiter:: Unfortunately. We lead very uneventful lives. When it comes to social interaction, online games are all we have, really.
  • Claire:: And, I can't believe I'm asking this... uh, Greg the Spider. Is he a real spider or just a toy like you and Master Chief?

Arbiter is seen running, but when Claire asks the question he lowers his head and weapon. Claire is seen sprinting around the corner and sees Arbiter looking off a cliff. She approaches him.

  • Claire:: I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
  • Arbiter:: It's fine. Facts are facts. I'm not sure, actually. I'm still too creeped out by Greg to get a close enough look, if I'm being honest.
  • Claire:: I thought you said you were friends.
  • Arbiter:: We are. Greg's really cool. But I'm having trouble getting over his appearance. Sometimes I feel like Frodo running from Shelob. Seriously, picture a human-sized tarantula scrambling madly towards you.
  • Claire:: I don't blame you, I'd run screaming bloody-murder. I hate spiders.
  • Arbiter: I feel terrible. It's not fair to him.
  • Claire:: As for Chief, how can you stand living with him? I mean, maybe I'm being quick to judge but sometimes, not a lot of times is necessary you know?
  • Arbiter:: He seldom makes a good first impression.
  • Claire:: He was an asshole to say the least.
  • Arbiter:: Right. But there's good in him somewhere. Honestly. Somewhere.
  • Claire:: If you say so. Should we jump back into the game?
  • Arbiter:: Yeah.

Claire is seen running off in the other direction, Arbiter runs off in a different direction. Both of them resume shooting at people offscreen.

  • Claire:: So Trent tells me he and you have been getting to know each other. Even making deals already.
  • Arbiter:: Yeah. Did you catch the new Hypernews episode?
  • Claire: That I did.
  • Arbiter: Thoughts?
  • Claire: I'm assuming "Technodicks" was Master Chief's contribution?
  • Arbiter:: Ugh. He insisted. Can't really say 'no' to him either. He built most of that film set and pretty much carries the show with his drivel. It's so embarrassing though. Right after that intro it cuts to me standing center-frame. I'll forever be associated with those freakish drawings.
  • Claire:: I was surprised to hear you've agreed to Trent's cross-promotion deal.

Claire jumps off a ledge and joins Arbiter in a tiny pool.

  • Arbiter:: Yeah, well he could use the extra attention and I could use a little cash.
  • Claire:: To do what with?
  • Arbiter:: I dunno yet. Maybe it'll come in handy. Somehow get me out of this apartment one of these days. ...I'm so sick of it. You have no idea. Buy a kite or a big bunch of balloons and just sail out the window, maybe.
  • Claire:: I see.
  • Arbiter:: Do you disapprove?
  • Claire:: Not at all, I-I just hope you know, that you stay true to your show and never lose sight of why you made it.

As Arbiter and Claire are face-to-face, talking, a green male spartan runs in and sees Claire.

  • Xbox Live Player:: Whoa is that a bitch? We're playing against a chick!
  • Claire:: Please, no flash photography.
  • Xbox Live Player:: What makes you think you got any buisness playing Halo?
  • Claire: What do you suggest I do moron? Make you a sandwich? Wash your dishes? Those never get old...
  • Xbox Live Player:: Among other things, use your imagination baby.
  • Claire:: Watch it.
  • Xbox Live Player:: Or what?

Arbiter approaches the Xbox Live Player.

  • Arbiter:: Fuck off, needle dick.
  • Xbox-Live Player:: [sarcastically] Whoa, look out everybody. Internet tough guy over here. You her boyfriend?
  • Claire:: Arbiter, it's fine. Don't bother--
  • Arbiter:: I'm her friend. And I don't take pleasure listening to the constant verbal abuse she endures from pathetic little c**ts like yourself.
  • Xbox Live Player:: [sarcastically] Wow, you said the "C-word," I'm shaking now. What the hell are you gonna do? Tell me.
  • Arbiter:: You and I both know I can't do anything except ask you, from one gamer to another, to show my friend a little damn respect.
  • Xbox Live Player:: Fuck you faggot.

With the Xbox Live Player distracted by Arbiter, Claire proceeds to kill him with her pistol firing at him.

  • Arbiter:: What an asshole.
  • Claire:: It's okay.
  • Arbiter:: How do you put up with that all the time?
  • Claire:: You get used to it. Learn to block it out, like with you and Chief I guess.
  • Arbiter:: Man...

Time passes and Arbiter and Claire are now seen shooting at different parts of the map.

  • Arbiter:: How did you meet Trent?
  • Claire:: He was at my campus, representing "Bad Games" in our career fair. Wasn't getting too much attention, kinda feeling sorry for him. So I went to his booth, talked to him. Being somewhat of a gamer myself, we had some common grounds and after a little while we just clicked.
  • Arbiter:: Cool.
  • Claire:: Yeah. And we haven't known each other that long. But he's been so supportive and just... You know, there.
  • Arbiter:: I'm glad.

Claire and Arbiter stop and stand on two separate platforms and look at one another.

  • Claire:: So you're going to his Stag?
  • Arbiter:: Yeah. I'm not sure what to expect. I assume it'll be a Big Team Battle party or something and not just a bunch of Spartans standing around. That'd be pretty lame-ass.
  • Claire:: I have no idea what he's planning, whatever it is, do me a favor. If he starts drinking, try and persuade him not to go overboard with it. I'd prefer it if he were not hungover in the morning obviously.
  • Arbiter:: The wedding's really sneaked up on us, hasn't it? Only a day away already.
  • Claire: Yeah I know. Look, is Chief gonna behave himself? I'm a little concerned he gonna make a scene--
  • Arbiter:: Claire, don't worry. I wouldn't let that happen. I'd never do anything to spoil your big day. Promise.
  • Claire:: I'm glad you're coming Arbiter, it means a lot.
  • Arbiter:: Sure.

Scene 2: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter travels around but stops when Chief shows up with the Xbox controller.

  • Arbiter: What are you doing?
  • Chief: gess dumass
  • Arbiter: You can't play now! I need the Xbox.
  • Chief: fuck you / LOL
  • Arbiter: You're on it all the time! You play infinitely more than I do!

Chief drops the Xbox controller.

  • Arbiter: I'm entitled to reserve a little play time if I need it.
  • Arbiter: Listen to yourself. You're like a shrieking six-year-old.

Master Chief sits on the controller.

  • Master Chief: ud no all abot shr33king 6 yr olds woodnt u / pedestrien
  • Arbiter: Awful, aren't they? Those pedestrians. All out walking the streets, too.
  • Master Chief: I shud b a cops / i w00d arest all teh pedestriens
  • Arbiter: Well the streets would be safe, that's for certain.
  • Master Chief: y must u play nao rite wen i wants 2 play / THIS IS VERY BAD TIMING ON UR PARTS ARBITUR / i am not impress 1 bits / not 1 singel bits gud sir
  • Arbiter: I've made arrangements with someone.
  • Master Chief: OMG i wondar who
  • Arbiter: It's Trent's stag. {walking} The wedding's tomorrow.
  • Master Chief: ItS TOMOROW?
  • Arbiter: Yeah.
  • Master Chief: >:D {mischievous face}
  • Arbiter: Don't you 'mischievous face' , Chief. You gave me your word you'd behave yourself. Don't forget that.
  • Master Chief: we will c. LMAO
  • Arbiter: No, we won't see. You won't do shit. You do and I'll make you regret it. Now get lost. I gotta make at least a brief appearance at this thing.
  • Master Chief: not w/out me buddeh!1 LOLOLOLOLOL

Some other time later, while Arbiter waiting for Greg to show up.

  • Arbiter: Greg? You around?

Arbiter looks around, then Greg behind Arbiter shows up and scares him.

  • Arbiter {jumping off and hits the wall} Jesus Christ, dude!

Greg hangs down and stand near Arbiter.

  • Arbiter: Gotta talk to you about something.

Scene 3: Jon's BathroomEdit

Arbiter and Greg sits in the bathtub, having a conversation.

  • Arbiter: As you know, my friend Claire's online wedding is tomorrow. There's a party tonight too. And I can't trust Chief to refrain from fucking both up royally. This might sound extreme...... but I'm thinking you could restrain him for me. Web him up and shut him away until this is all over.
  • Greg: thats mean :(
  • Arbiter: He shut me in a pitch-black closet for eight days on the Reach launch just so he could play it by himself uninterrupted. He has it coming, Greg
  • Greg: :/
  • Arbiter: Forty-five degree angle face indeed. I know it's mean. But I wouldn't ask you to do this if it wasn't important. Will you do this for me?

Scene 4: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter was about to go to the go to the Xbox console for Tren'ts Bachelor Party, until Chief shows up sitting on two controllers for him and himself.

  • Chief: r u rdy 2 go 2 teh party togethirs arbitur? u & me / LOL
  • Arbiter: Before we do, Greg says he wants to talk to you for a second.
  • Chief: FUCK GREG / LETS PARTAY BAYBAY / we w00dnt want 2 k33ps trent waiting w00d we nao??
  • Arbiter: He says he's got beer.
  • Master Chief: {jumps up} HOLY SHIT RLY? BEAST / WHER
  • Arbiter: Down the hall.
  • Master Chief: HORAY {running off} YUMMY B33RS / we can party hardar w/ lots of alkaline in our systims!1 omg im gona get so drunk! im gona get so drunk arbitur!!1one
  • Arbiter: You'll be out of commission.
  • Master Chief: DAMN STR8

Arbiter travels to the console while Chief shows up in the hall for Greg to give him beer.

  • Master Chief: {walking} where u @ greg / where the hell is my b33r
  • Greg: {Standing in silent momment}
  • Master Chief: YO / H00K ME UP D00D

Greg webs up Master Chief.

  • Master Chief: WTF / {strangling} OH NO / OH NO

Greg drags Chief to the bathroom.

  • Chief: OMG / TREYARCHERY / R3L33S3 M3 THIS INSTANTS OR ILL RIP OFF ALL TEH OF UR LEGS AND STICK THEM UP UR ASS GREG / holy shit / holy shit greg ur ded / u beter not lets me go or ur ded / ill fuck u up / acshuly no i wont let me go plz / YOU MOTHER FUCKER / STOP / LET ME GO U FUCKING FAG / OMG GREG U SUCK SO HARD / I DEMANDS U R3L33S3 M3 @ 1CE!1

Scene 5: Jon's BathroomEdit

Greg tosses Chief at the toilet, causing Chief to lose his visor again.

  • Master Chief: AAH / OMG / OW / WHAT THE HELL R U DOING / HAY / {standing up} DONT U EVIN THINKS ABOT SHUTING ME IN H33R GREG / GREG!one!!1

Greg starts to shut the door.

  • Master Chief: U BASTRAD {strangling, getting hit on the wall} DONT U DAER CLOSES THAT D00R

Then, Greg shuts the door.

  • Master Chief: OMG / omg thats it / ur ded
  • Greg: {leaving and slipping a note under the door} sry :(
  • Chief: ur ded greg / u just kiled urself / SUICIED / wats it liek being ded greg since ur ded / tells me / tells me wat its liek 2 b ded

Scene 6: SpireEdit

At Trent's Halo: Reach Spire map server, when Arbiter was about to enter an immense, towering Covenant shield generator spire, Cameron Jones and Cody Hammond stood at the doorway as security guards.

  • Cameron: Trent's say you could come to this?
  • Arbiter: Yes.
  • Cameron: When to a verify please?
  • Arbiter: {walking} I'm hardly gonna sneak into this uninvited. I'm not that desperate. {stops walking} This is the third time you've stopped me. You know Trent and I know each other through his fiancee. Can't you just take my word for it?
  • Cody: Shut up!
  • Arbiter: Or what?

Cody points his shotgun at Arbiter.

  • Arbiter: Whoa. Be cool. You're really scaring me, man.
  • Cameron: {contacting Trent} Hey Mr. Donnovich, I've got the Arbiter here, uh... should I let him through--?
  • Trent Donnovich: Yes! Let him in.
  • Cameron: {nods}
  • Arbiter: {walking in} I hope you're both enjoying your little power trip. Prats.
  • Cody: Watch it!
  • Arbiter: Bite me.

At Trent's Stag, Arbiter notices that the party is nothing but gamers just hanging out and talking one to another.

  • Trent Donnovich: Arbiter!
  • Arbiter: Hey. So...... no Big Team Battle or anything? Everyone's just --
  • Trent Donnovich: Just chillin' man, just chillin'.
  • Arbiter: Awesome.
  • Trent Donnovich: Great Hypernews episode! Caught it a little while ago.
  • Arbiter: Thanks.
  • Trent Donnovich: I love when the Chief jumps at the door near the end, that was great.
  • Arbiter: Yeah, that was funny.
  • Trent Donnovich: That Golden Eye game looked pretty bad ass.
  • Arbiter: ...You hadn't heard of it before?
  • Trent Donnovich: No.
  • Arbiter: ...Shame.
  • Trent Donnovich: Anyway while you're here, I was hoping you could talk a little bit more about Hypernews and uh... the feature of the show.
  • Arbiter: Oh? Okay...
  • Trent Donnovich: Vicky?
  • Victoria: Hey!
  • Trent Donnovich: What the hell are you doing at my Bachelor party?
  • Victoria: I thought I just hop in quickly and make sure everything's running smoothly.
  • Trent Donnovich: I appreciate the gesture, but everything's fine.
  • Victoria: You sure?
  • Trent Donnovich: Yes! I'll see you at the church tomorrow.
  • Victoria: Don't be late.
  • Trend Donnovich: No shit!
  • Victoria: And please, don't get kicked. I'm sure Claire would like it if you were able to stand up for your wedding.
  • Trent Donnovich: {to Arbiter} My sisters are great but man, Victoria smothers me a little too much.
  • Arbiter: That sucks, I guess.
  • Trent Donnovich: {heading away} Anyway, follow me to the V.I.P. area, there's a few people I want you to meet.
  • Arbiter: VIP area?

Arbiter follows Trent to the V.I.P. area of the map (the top level of the map Spire).

  • Arbiter: Ah. You've designated the Spire's upper level for VIP. Cute.
  • Trent Donnovich: I've got the keys to the V.I.P. You've ever seen that show?
  • Arbiter: Yeah.
  • Trent Donnovich: {goes to the top level} Awesome right?
  • Arbiter: ...Yeah.

Scene 7: Jon's BathroomEdit

Meanwhile in the bathroom, Chief continues to try to free himself from Greg's webbing but finds it harder than he thought.

  • Chief: {strangling} AAAAAAAH / ok / forrealz this tiem / forrealz / k / k lets do this / {strangling} AAAAAAAAAAHHH / FUCK / ok / acshuly forrealz this tiem / that wuz just practis / that wuz just practis. OK LETS GO. FORREALZ / {strangling} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKER

Scene 8: SpireEdit

Trent and Arbiter traveled to the top level of the Spire map and both traveled to some people Trent wants Arbiter to meet.

  • Trent Donnovich: Arbiter, I like you to meet Nathan...
  • Nathan: Hello.
  • Trent Donnovich: ...And Daniel.
  • Daniel: Good evening.
  • Trent Donnovich: They're both executives of our media broadcasting partner, Bad Programming.
  • Arbiter: Hi.
  • Daniel: We love the show.
  • Nathan: Big fans.
  • Trent Donnovich: Without being around the bush, uh.. we're interested in purchasing Hypernews.
  • Arbiter: Oh! Wow...
  • Trent Donnovich: Arbiter, I gotta head back down and talk to someone real quick, you guys get acquainted, chat for a bit, I'll be back in a few minutes.
  • Arbiter: Okay...

Trent heads back down, leaving Arbiter and the broadcasters to have a talk.

  • Nathan: If we were to buy the show however, a few changes would need to be made here and there.
  • Arbiter: ... Like what? 
  • Nathan: Well first and for most, the cartoon... genitalia... techno....
  • Arbiter: ... 'Dicks'.
  • Nathan: ... 'Dicks'. Yeah.
  • Daniel: Don't get us wrong, we thought it was funny.
  • Nathan: No one appreciates a good gag more than us.
  • Daniel: Absolutely.
  • Nathan: We got that random sense of humor as well.
  • Daniel: Picture a pig dressed as a ninja holding two umbrellas.
  • Nathan: A pig doesn't have to dexterity to be a ninja, why does he need two umbrellas? One is enough.
  • Daniel: And it's not even raining.
  • Nathan: Now that's wacky, but getting back to our point, we simply can't air the likes of the drawings.
  • Arbiter: I see.
  • Nathan: It's just far to vulger.
  • Arbiter: I understand. I'm not the biggest fan of it myself. It was my partner's creative decision. 'Creative' being the understatement of the year.
  • Daniel: The same goes for the language. Again, it's not that we don't find it commical but we can't broadcast it.
  • Arbiter: To what extent? Like, there can't be any swearing?
  • Nathan: Oh we could to be a few words like "damn" or "ass", but nothing too much beyond that.

Scene 9: Jon's BathroomEdit

Chief is still struggling and banging the door while being tied up.


Scene 10: SpireEdit

Arbiter, Daniel and Nathan still discussing some few changes of Hypernews.

  • Daniel: Can't have goddamn in it.
  • Nathan: Yeah, that's out.
  • Daniel: Same with the likes of "gay, fag or retard". We're not out to offend anybody.
  • Arbiter: Neither are we. That was never the objective. We'll use words like that for comedic effect and because it's a truer representation of the back-and-forth within the darker side of the online world. To counter-balance we try to encourage tolerance and open-mindedness on the show. Or I do, at least. We want our audience to be and love themselves.
  • Nathan: Trust us, we understand. We'd had this conversation countless times recover.
  • Daniel: Regardless of how sporadic lines are drawn in the sands, separating what's acceptable for once not, we have to trade care please.
  • Nathan: We don't break the rules, we're just obeying broadcast standards.
  • Arbiter: ... Anything else?
  • Daniel: Well we have this one idea. Instead of the Master Chef giving his negative reviews on the old awful games--
  • Arbiter: They're not awful, though. They're good. Chief's full of shit. It's satirical. That's what makes it funny.
  • Daniel: Oh, ok well uh..we were thinking instead that he could give more possitive reviews on games such as the upcoming Guns of Honor that Bad Games is putting out soon. We've played an early build and it was fantastic.
  • Nathan: Really. The graphics just blew us away.
  • Arbiter: How would that be funny, though?
  • Nathan: Well that's where your writing talent will come in.
  • Arbiter: Right...

Scene 10: Jon's BathroomEdit

Master Chief sees Greg's note while he's pulling the webs on the hardware where he tied the webs to pull them off of himself.

  • Master Chief: sry? {pulling} ILL MAEK U SRY U UGLY FUCK

The webs slips off the hardware, then Chief crashes at the wall.

  • Chief: AH / GODDAMMIT / {wiggling webs off} GET OFF MEH / STUPED WEBS

Eventually, Chief wiggles himself free.

  • Master Chief: {bouncing} YES / /FLEX / {picking up visor} VISER VISER ON TEH FL00R WHOS NO MOAR ONCE I OPENS THAT D00R {puts visor back on} / THATS RITE / GREG / IM COMING 4 U

Chief uses Greg's webbing as rope to climb up the doorknob, but misses for one try.

  • Master Chief: for fucks sake / come on / U HEAR ME MOTHER FUCKER / YEH U CAN H33R MEH

Master Chief then succesfully catches the web on the doorknob.

  • Chief: BOOYAH / :D {happy face} / I <3s 2 SWING / {swinging} WEEEEEEEEEE / {crashing into the door} OW / JESUS / YOU GUYS ARE FUCKED NOW / {climbing for the knob} AS WE HAS ESTABLESHED GREG / UR DED. AND ARBITUR IM GONNA CRASH UR STUPID FAGGOTY ASS PARTY / GET RDY GAIZ / GET RDY

Chief opens the door and escapes

Scene 11: Jon's Apartment/SpireEdit

Chief tiptoes to a spare controller that is laying on the floor.

  • Master Chief: {running over} lololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol / {stops running} HMMMMMMM???? {walking near a crevese} LOL WAT IS GOING ON OVER THER

Scene 12: Jon's ApartmentEdit

Arbiter stands up, looks over the side of the chair and realizes that Chief is free.

  • Arbiter: What the fuck? Hey!!
  • Master Chief: ROFL

Scene 13: Spire/Jon's ApartmentEdit

Chief moves closer near a crevese on the map and sees Trent and a girl from the Church's Construction Team.

  • Trent Donnovich: We're on proxy chat, relax, nobody can hear my say that that ass on your avatar is fine as it is in real life. Speaking of, when's the next time you're gonna let me spank it huh?

Just a moment later, Trent and the construction team girl turn around to see Chief.

  • Chief: oh hai / {wondering away} um i didnt h33r n e thign doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo lol
  • Arbiter: You've got to be shitting me.

End credits.