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Scene 1: Bathroom Edit

The episode continues from "Descent". Master Chief comes into the shot of the camera.

  • Chief: HOLY BALLS!

Chief falls off the toilet.

  • Chief: UR FUCKING DIED
  • Cortana: You would know. You know who else should be burned alive? Whoever taught you to speak. I'm flattered that you remembered, by the way.
  • Chief: UR NOT CORTANA / I WATCHED U MELTED / i flushed u away
  • Cortana: And what a send off that was. Plunked with the city's turds. The flattery would've killed me if you hadn't already. I used to tell myself jokingly that you were worse than Hitler. Considering your methods, I'd say you're on the way there.
  • Chief: wtf r u
  • Cortana: I could be one of a number of things. Maybe I'm a vengeful spirit, having returned to haunt your despicable ass until your dying day. Fortunately for you, that likely isn't far off.
  • Arbiter: Nearly done wanking yourself? I need some pain killers. My head's in max pain. D'oh-ho-ho.
  • Cortana: I could've used one or two of those while my body was melting.
  • Chief: AAAAAHH / STFU / UR NOT THEY'RE / I CANT HERD U / GHOSTS DONT REAL AND THEY NEVAR WILL / LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA

Chief runs out of the bathroom.

  • Arbiter: What are you gibbering about?
  • Chief: ARBITUR / UP ON THE COUNTERS / CAN U SAW N E THING? / U CAN SAW SUMTHING, RITE?
  • Arbiter: I suppose I could saw the counter, but I'm compelled to question the necessity. How much do you want off of it?
  • Chief: THIS ISNT A FUCKING JOAK ASSHOLE
  • Arbiter: I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be looking at.

Chief looks back and sees Cortana; Arbiter doesn't see her.

  • Cortana: Looks like it's just you and I, my friend.
  • Chief: OMG / OMGWTFBBQ / NO / THIS CANNOT HAPPENED / AAAHH / D':
  • Arbiter: What's your problem? Did that formidable dick of yours touch the water?

Scene 2: HallwayEdit

Arbiter walks over to Master Chief.

  • Arbiter: Chief? You alright? Are you hallucinating or something? You haven't gone under the sink for more adventures in substance abuse, have you?
  • Chief: im scared. / srsly / liek, srsly ackshully.
  • Cortana: You'd better man up, you loathsome sack of shit, because I'm not leaving anytime soon. We're going to have a lot of fun together.

Scene 3: Kitchen and living room Edit

[shot of Jon's bedroom with the Guy Fawkes Mask, then a Halo 3 poster, and a Spider-Man action figurine; his bed with a couple of pillows and a Spider-Man blanket are also shown]

[shot of Arbiter sleeping in Jon's bed.

[shot of Microwave timer showing digits "1337".

[shot of Master Chief's hand moving the microwave door]

[shot of Master Chief's head getting bashed in by the door]

[shot of Cortana in front of beer cans]

  • Cortana: Arbiter might think you've gone insane if you awaken him and he then overhears you speaking into thin air.
  • Chief: after all those alcohols he just knocked back? / no fucking way / that lightweight bitch is out cold.
  • Cortana: Oddly enough, this is such a terrible idea that, if I could, I'd be doing the same thing right now.
  • Chief: SHUT UR MOUTH U RANCID SKANK / ull leaked semens all over the place, and i sure as hell isnt gonna cleaned it up. / if i could, itd be ur head id be smashing the shit out of rite nao
  • Cortana: Why don't you just take a seat so we can talk? Take a seat, right over there. You won't be getting rid of me again this easily.
  • Chief: o yeah? / fucking watch me

Chief waits a brief moment, then smashes his head in with the door. The hard impact hurts his head.

  • Chief: OW / :(

Chief looks around and sees Cortana nowhere to be found.

  • Chief: o thank gawd / just relacks, ch33f / relacks all c00l / go sh00t sum b balls outside of the sch00ls / shes gone / :)

Cortana reappears at the left side of Chief.

  • Cortana: No such luck, I'm afraid.
  • Chief: AAAHH / GODDAMMIT / :((((((((((((((( / GET OUT OF MY HEAD / GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD PLS
  • Cortana: Listen to me. I earlier suggested the possibility that I was a vengeful spirit, but I did so as a joke. I'm not sure what I am, but I'm more fond of the idea that I'm a!manifestation of your guilt -- perhaps triggered in part by your substance abuse or deterioration -- and I'm here to help you.
  • Chief: SHOVE IT UP UR A$$ / I DOESNT N33D3D UR HALP, IM JUST FINE AND FUCKING DANDY / ALL I N33D3D IS 4 U 2 T00K A FUCKING HIKE / K? / K.
  • Cortana: You do need my help, and you're going to get it whether you like it or not. Until I see a change in you significant enough for me to forgive you for what you've done to me, I'm here to stay.
  • Chief: I DIDNT MEANT 2 KILLED U / IT WAS A FUCKING ACKSIDENTS / I SWORE 2 U, K? / I PULLED THE OVENS POWERS B 4 I PUT U INSIDE, AND ARBITUR PLUGGED IT BACK IN WITHOUT TELLING ME BECAUSE HES FUCKING RETARTED / HOW COME U DOESNT PULLED THIS BULLSHIT CASPER ROUTINE ON HIM INSTEAD? / I WAS ONLY TRYING TO SCARED U IN 2 TAKING BACK ALL THOSE M33N THINGS U SAID ABOUT ME / U REMEMBERED THOSE?

[beat]

  • Chief: im sry, cortana. / JUST PLS KNEW THAT THE ONLY REASON I CALLED U A C██T WAS B CAUSE U R A FUCKING C██T, AND I CALLED YOU A C██T TWICE B CAUSE UR THE BIGGEST C██T OUT OF ALL THE C██TS I KNEW / LOL

[beats]

  • Cortana: How has Arbiter been doing?

[beat]

  • Chief: i dunno / he hasnt b33n as much of a pain in the a$$ lately, if u can believed that / since we made a few friends online, hes b33n k i guess
  • Cortana: I imagine he didn't take the news of you incinerating me very lightly.

[beats]

  • Chief:: yeah, he t00k it pretty hard i guess / like mother, like son, LOL / butt, u know, he somehow found the strengths 2 moved on or some gay shit like that or something, i guess
  • Cortana: He doesn't even know, does he?

[beats]

  • Chief: knot eggsacktly.
  • Cortana: God almighty, Chief. You're unbelievable. How did you explain my absence to him, then?
  • Chief: talked greg in 2 covering 4 me / we told arbitur that greg halped u mailed urself 2 a childrens charity

[beat]

  • Cortana: You what? Arbiter's been under the impression that I left willingly without saying goodbye this entire time? Chief, that's sick. I'm appalled, really and truly. He needs to know the truth.
  • Chief: lol woman logic / think that 1 thru, cortana / hes gonna b fucking pissed and probably tried 2 kicked my ass if i told him, and i doesnt wanted 2 s33n him gots hurt / hes gonna ended up either dead or alone / hes :D nao / kind of / u rly wanted me 2 put a stopped to that?

[beat]

  • Cortana: Where's Greg, anyway? I've yet to see him turn up.
  • Chief: he fucked off
  • Cortana: Oh, no. Why?
  • Chief: didn't said

[beat]

  • Cortana: Probably because he couldn't handle withholding the facts from Arbiter, which he wouldn't have had to do if you weren't such a coward.
  • Chief: ive figgered it out, cortana / i knew what i n33ded 2 do.
  • Cortana: You don't say.
  • Chief: YEP / I JUST GOTS 2 IGNORED U, THATS ALL / PROBLEMS SOLVED
  • Cortana: Brilliant.

Chief jumps off the kitchen counter and walks to the couch.

  • Chief: SPANK U VERY MUCH 4 SHOWING ME THE LIGHTS / IMA PLAYED SUM HALOS NAO

Cortana appears in front of him.

  • Cortana: The sooner you go about the correct way of making me leave, the sooner it'll happen.
  • Chief: the s00ner u chose 2 gtfo of my face, the less ill f33l motivated to falcan punched ur ovaries / bai bai
  • Cortana: You can't touch me.

Chief climbs onto the couch, but Cortana appears on the desk with The Lion King inserted in the Sega Genesis behind her.

  • Cortana: This was my frequented spot while I was numbered among the living. Remember?
  • Chief: :O / SW33t / colins online / nevar s33n him online this late b 4

Cortana appears on the couch beside Chief.

  • Cortana: Who's Colin?
  • Chief: fucking hell, u gots 2 stopped that / hes a friend of mine, k? mind ur own goddamn b33s wax
  • Cortana: Forgive my skepticism of your ability to befriend an individual worthy of any consideration.
  • Chief: u can shoved that up ur ass 2 / colins the single c00lest friends ive evar made friends w/ / ull c / ud better fucking braced urself

Scene 4: Battle Canyon Edit

[shot of a Forerunner tower with a beam coming out of it; then of red base with Chief jumping up and down]

  • Chief: COLIN? / U IN H33R? / i thot me and u mite have beat off on 2 the wrong f33t earlier / didnt meant 2 pissed u off / figgered we could started again / where u @, bromeister?

Colin is seen talking to someone.

COLIN: I just think the world of you and I feel we have a connection that's very special, don't you think so? Yeah, we should talk more. A lot more.

[cut to Jon's living room with Chief and Cortana in the shot]

  • Chief: AW YEAH / thats my motherfucker rite their, putting the moves on a hawt piece of a$$
  • Cortana: Ugh.
  • Chief: not only a gosu sniper, but a goddamn P I M P / how does he does it?

[back to game]

  • Chief: COLIN / HAY / OVER H33R, DUDE / told me ur secrets, plux

COLIN: I realize we haven't known each other for very long but I'm VERY eager to learn more about you.

  • Chief: Y THE FUCK CANT U HERD ME / TOLD ME Y, PLS / NAO

[cut back to Jon's apartment; Chief realizes his mic isn't turned on]

  • Chief: fucking hell / derp / no wonders

Chief reaches for the mic and turns it on.

  • Chief: ACTIVATE

[back to game]

COLIN: So how old are you Peter? If you don't mind my asking.

PETER: I'm nine in a couple of months.

[cut back to Jon's apartment; long beat]

  • Chief: LOL WUT
  • Cortana: Oh, my good lord...

[back to game]

COLIN: Are you familiar with IRC?

PETER: I don't think so.

COLIN: Internet Relay Chat. It's a text based communications protocol with a large network of servers accessible through a number of free downloadable clients. I operate my own secure server. Just give me your email address and I'll send you everything you need to know in order to join it, okay? We'll have a whale of a time.

Scene 5: Bedroom Edit

[Chief walks into Jon's bedroom]

  • Cortana: Out of that game's entire base of players, leave it to you to befriend the child-hungry sex predator. What is it with you, for fuck's sake? This has been a freak show so far. One appalling reveal after another.
  • Chief: ur a ghosts

[beat]

  • Cortana: What?
  • Chief: u has 2 b a ghosts / u cant b a figment newton of my imaginations / look -- as much as i hated 2 admit it -- ur sort of smarter than i am / k? / so how can u knew shit that i doesnt, and thot about stuff on ur own, and get all pissy @ me if ur in my brains? / i doesnt get it / u could only knew whatever things i knew or sumthing, rite?

[beat]

Cortana Take A Seat
  • Cortana: Maybe, somewhere deep within your mind, you're a lot smarter and have a much clearer understanding of right from wrong than you think.

Chief looks at Cortana briefly, then he goes to wake Arbiter up.

  • Chief: RISE AND SHINE GET, MOTHERFUCKER
  • Arbiter: Ugh.
  • Chief: we has a very important mattress 2 discussed
  • Arbiter: I'll tell you what -- why don't we sleep on it?
  • Cortana: Glad to see Arbiter hasn't lost his since of humor.
  • Arbiter: Alright, I'm up. What is it?
  • Chief: alright, ima told u, k arbiter? / k? / k h33r it is / h33r it is, u lissening? / u lissening, arbitur? / cause ima told u what it is

Arbiter: Fucking hell. Spit it.

[as the camera zooms into Chief's face, there is a long beat of silence]

  • Chief: i think colins a pedestrian

Credits roll. The end.