|← "From the Ashes"||"The Gun Show"||"Maximum Overdrive" →|
Opening credits roll. Arbiter and Chief are seen on the kitchen counter.
- Arbiter: Hello, everybody! Welcome back to Hypermail. We'd like to thank you all for supporting the show and sending us your thoughts. Even if we can't read all of your hypermail we appriciate every submission.
- Chief: spank u / spank u vereh hard
- Arbiter: Let's get to it, shall we? This one's from Bernard Brown... What you did there. I see it. "Your show sucks incomplete balls. It revolves around two fucking toys and is boring as hell. There's no compassion and it's just mediocre at best. Jon still writes it because all of hookers decided to leave him. You two should just kill each other." Thanks for your mail, Bernard.
- Chief: hao abot we just kill u burnard? if u doesnt liek this sho ill show u a way bettar show than this sho
Chief flexes and the camera zooms in on his biceps.
- Chief: teh gun show / and u'd better b3l33ve meh wen i sae its teh most sho / u better gots ur tikits / 56 inch pex / haz u evar s33n mussels liek this on a man?
- Arbiter: I'm sorry you find us boring but I can assure you we haven't fucked.
- Chief: wth?
- Arbiter: Hey, he brought it up not me. And apparently we have no compassion, Chief. What are your thoughts on that?
- Chief: [beat] we haz no compashuns?
- Arbiter: No compassion.
- Chief: doesnt jon hav taht 1? tahts teh 1 wer mel gibson is j33sus rite?
- Arbiter: He means we don't feel enough for each other.
- 'Chief:' we don't f33l each othar enuff? taht sounds gay as fuck
- Arbiter: Feel enough FOR each other. And I think I have a great deal of compassion actually. Chief's stupidity is so fantastic that it causes me to feel great pity for him.
Chief bends over.
- Chief: i f33l taht u shud suck mai a$$
- Arbiter: See? Compassion everywhere. Also I find it interesting that you think the show sucks incomplete balls. Presumably opposed to a complete pair. Are you saying it only sucks one ball? Is that better than sucking two? Does that mean the show is only half-bad? [sarcastically] Anyway, I'm sorry you're being forced to watch our mediocre show. What an unfortunate situation. If only we weren't forcing you you could just watch something else. But sadly that's not the case is it?
- Chief: f33l fr33 2 suck our compl33t balls bernard
- Arbiter: We'll cut you some slack. You can tell our agent with a gun to your head not to press the barrel against your skull so hard and we'll call it even.
- Chief: this mails is from... LOL / "Why is Arbiter so gay? Master Chief can we please have sex again you can slap my ass, LOL sincerely, Arbiter's Mom" / rofl
Chief starts dancing.
- Chief: ya bb[baby] ill reck taht ass n e tiem lol
- Arbiter: [sarcastically] Oh, mom. You and your deranged sense of humor. You know you can be having sex with Chief all the time. With your back. Pace yourself.
Arbiter reads more mail.
- Arbiter: This Hypermail is from Ansley. "Dear Arbiter and Chief. First off I love Hypermail!!! Please don't stop making it. Also my boyfriend thinks I spend to much time playing video games. Whats your opinions on that? <3 forever"
- Chief: w8 / ansley? is taht a boy or grill?
- Arbiter: I'm going to assume you mean boy or girl.
- Chief: ya evry1 noes grills dont play video gaems
- Arbiter: That's not true. Lots of girls play video games.
- Chief: ya if ther gigantic or fugly butt they dont count / lmao
- Arbiter: That's a very offensive thing to say, Chief. Plus it's bullshit.
- Chief: o u must stop forgettign ur lance sir faglot / wat if a dragon coems? just flies in and coems all over teh place / lol / hao will u protect all teh onlien wiminz?
- Arbiter: A good suggestion, Ansley would be to find a game that you and your boyfriend could play together. Something co-operative. You could also take interest in some things he enjoys doing. Thanks for watching the show.
- Chief: and this last hypermayels is from noah / "Dear Chief, Take a magnifying glass, hold it up to the sun and stare into the light for five to ten minutes. And I find it hard to believe that you have sex with anyones mom since you're sucking shit at Halo all the time." / fuck u noah / im ossim @ hal0 and i has pl3nty of tiem 2 has sex w/ arbiturs mom and urs / @ teh saem tiem
- Arbiter: That magnifying glass idea sounds interesting.
- Chief: wat does taht do?
- Arbiter: I bet you'll see lots of cool shit up there.
- Chief: ... wut kind of c00l shit?
- Arbiter: All sorts. You should try it.
- Chief: kk brb wers teh maglifying glass?
Chief runs off.
- Arbiter: Should be one in the far drawer.
Chief is heard rummaging around.
- Chief: YES / maglifiying glass get
- Arbiter: Let me know how you get on. Thanks for tuning in everybody. And don't forget to mail in your thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org for chance of having it read on the show.
- Chief: hao long did teh gai say?
- Arbiter: Five to ten minutes... But I think the longer you hold it up the more cooler stuff you'll see.
- Chief: BITCHEN / [beat] mai face hurts / arbitur does u f33l it gettign hot in h33r?
End credits roll.