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Scene 1: Jeremy and his uncle Edit

An online multiplayer match of Halo: Reach; a voice is heard announcing "Gained lead", then "Lost the lead".

  • Man: Hey there, champ! You finished setting up your CubeStation 64?

YOUNG PLAYER: Yeah! I'm already playing with other people. This is unbelievable. I'm so not used to this!

  • Man: You've connected the broadbands? Already? You're playing on the Intertubes right now? Across the Cybernet?

YOUNG PLAYER: Yeah, yeah! Man, this is so cool!

  • Man: Boy, now that I think about it, maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. You'll be spending all your free time on the World Wide Web and not with me...

ANOTHER PLAYER: Hey, pull your thumb out of your anus and get your head in the match or get the fuck out, cumstain!

YOUNG PLAYER: Listen, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. I know money's pretty tight right now.

  • Man: Hey, I refuse to live in a world where an uncle can't buy his nephew what he's always wanted after he gets 51% on his math exam, for God's sake. Will get food next year. I'm proud of you, Jeremy. And your mother and father would've been too. I hope you know that... I always knew you had the brains in the family. Your parents and your friends just wouldn't listen.

JEREMY: Thanks.

UNCLE: No need to thank me now, you have fun on Gears of Duty for a while. Enjoy yourself. I have faith you will thank me plenty later tonight.

JEREMY: Hey, Uncle Joe. Do you think we can, like, use vaseline or something this time?

UNCLE: I have no problem with that, Jeremy, on two conditions. One, I'd better be bone dry by the night's end. And two, you better acknowledge how lucky you are to have such a hip uncle. [his avatar gets fragged]

Scene 2: Eugene's clan Edit

[a white-armored player is shot from above; cut to Eugene and Tyler]

EUGENE: You sure he didn't see your face when you hit him after school?

  • Tyler: I'm positive. He can't prove shit. I bought and put on shoes and hoodie I never wear. I tailed him, I walked up behind him, wailed the side of his head and then kept going. Hit him so fucking hard dude, like I heard a crack, and the other side of his head hit on the concrete wall. He fell, he cried his eyes out. Well, I'd to look back and do an accurate end assessment, but I didn't.

EUGENE: Jeez, you're something else. [beat] At least he'll think twice before running his mouth off again...

  • Tyler: Where the fuck is Colin? It is the third day he's been missing.

EUGENE: I don't know. Hopefully he's not up to his old tricks again.

  • Tyler [snickering]: Oh, man.

EUGENE: Dirty bastard. [beat] Brilliant, but dirty.

Scene 3: Kitchen Edit

Arbiter is dragging a plastic bag. The title card over Arbiter standing before the cereal spilled on the previous night, and he starts collecting the cereal into the bag

  • Chief [dressed in a pink suit, holding two cigarettes in hands]: the cereals r suposed 2 went into ur mouth arbitur / butt its k, i understand that u constintly n33d it 2 breathe
  • Arbiter: You've presented me with so much ridiculousness at one time that I'm not sure what to address first. The cigarettes, I suppose -- posing the largest health threat. The suit only somewhat makes me want to self-harm.
  • Chief: wtf r u talking about / i told u arbitur, were plastic / wat harm culd the ciggies posibly be doing, huh? / wat, am i gona gots the cancer? / mebbeh ...... / THE SUPER CANCER?
  • Arbiter: Doubtful, but they seem to be having a posiive effect on your mood, so maybe there's a few negatives as well. At least cut down your intake. You should know you have a problem when you have to wear a belt of fags to feed your addiction.
  • Chief: u wurry 2 much bro, u gota chill the fuck out / h33r, have a cigarete
  • Arbiter: I'll pass. You rockin' a Rush lighter? That's bad-ass.
  • Chief: rush? / im not in a rush, i gots all the tiems in the world / all of thoese
  • Arbiter: ... Never mind. So, will you be calling Pee Wee Herman yourself or should I? I imagine he'll be wanting his suit back. Seriously, where the hell did you find that thing?
  • Chief: came with bitch
  • Arbiter: All right -- your better half. Haven't seen much of her these days.
  • Chief: dude, her and me r liek so totaly over / im not a 1 women man arbitur, my ass is far 2 beutiful 2 b tied down [walks away] ur mothirs into that shit tho / lololollolololol
  • Arbiter: Hey, you up for some matchmaking once I clean up this mess?
  • Chief: sry bro, im gona b chillin out maxin relaxin all c00l not sh00tin sum b ball outsiede of the sch00l with my main mother fucker greg for a whiel
  • Arbiter: Seriously?
  • Chief: yeh / u dusnt mind rite? / is that k? / thats k rite?
  • Arbiter: "Salvage", Chief.
  • Chief: greg? [starts looking for him] where u @ bro? [goes away]

Arbiter resumes cleaning.

Scene 4: Greg's notes Edit

The screen cuts to Greg from above, next to a stack of post-it notes. A closeup on the top note is shown, in which it reads: "Following this note is my full confession regarding the truth of Cortana's disappearance".

Dissonant tone decreasing in pitch is heard. Greg adds another on top of the pile, which reads: "Sorry for all notes but don't respond until you have read each one".

[cut to Greg's face]


Greg grabs the stack of notes, moves it, and puts a basket on top of it. Chief suddenly appears.

  • Chief: hay buddy


  • Chief: ive b33n thinking that u and me gots 2 hang out moar / liek, way the fuck moar / u down? / ur down rite?

Scene 5: Bathroom Edit

Greg is sitting on the floor alone. Chief comes in, dragging a bottle and glasses

  • Chief: :D / plenty of b00ze left / found a sn33ky stash above the fridge / thank christ jons such a miserible asshole / ROFL [he pours alcohol in glasses]
  • Greg: I don't drink.
  • Chief: u do nao, bitch / dont b a pusy, u knock that shit back rite nao [slides a glass towards him, then lights a cigarette; beat]
  • Chief: cigarete bro?
  • Greg: No.
  • Chief: cum on bro, dusnt u wanted 2 b c00l? / smoking maekes u c00ler, thats a scientifick fax / u cant argued with fax / lolololollol [slight beat] so told me bro, how many hot ass spider bitcher has u fucked? / DETAILS MOTHER FUCKER, DOES U HAS THEM?
  • Greg: None.
  • Chief: lolollolol / not 2 wurry bro, not 2 wurry / ur bro ch33f is gona h00k u up with sum fine ass spider pussy 1 of these days / we gots 2 whip ur ass into shaep tho bro / we gots 2 get u sum guns / hao much can u benched?
  • Greg: No muscles, move limbs via hydraulic pressure of blood.
  • Chief: lol wut? / NO EXCUSES!1one / NO PAIN NO GAIN mother fucker
  • Greg: Stop smoking, awful habit.
  • Chief: omg dude / liek i said 2 arbitur, im plastic / wat damages culd they b doing? / told me / told me pls, im lissening / im not a fucking retart, id thought twice b 4 doing sumthing that i knew foar sure w00d has majer terribad consequensis [beat] as im sure u w00d [blows cigarette smoke towards him]

Scene 6: Michelle Edit

[Arbiter is sitting on a chair in the living room, holding an Xbox controller; a notification is heard; he raises]

[cut to in-game map; Arbiter is walking slowly; meets Michelle; track 3 from the third release starts playing]

MICHELLE: Hi, Arbiter.

  • Arbiter: Hello, Michelle. How are you?

MICHELLE: I'm good. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope I didn't interrupt anything on your end.

  • Arbiter: Just the monotony of my purgatory. What's up? [short beat] Is Eugene around?

MICHELLE: No. Though he is the subject I'd like to discuss with you, given that you're comfortable with that.

  • Arbiter: ...Regarding what, exactly?

MICHELLE: When the four of us... You, your friend, Eugene and I were playing the other day, chances are you got to incline that our relationship is somewhat troubled.


  • Arbiter: I may have picked up on a couple of bad vibes.

MICHELLE: Yeah. Well it's true, to say the least. Please note that the last thing I want to do is place you in an awkward position. I know that you and Eugene are friends, and you and I have only briefly spoken once before now. And I don't know what the deal is with the robotic voices, but frankly I don't care. I feel as though I can talk to you, which is the hell of a lot more than I can say about Eugene's other friends. Ones I know of, anyway.

  • Arbiter: Really?

MICHELLE: Yeah. There's Tyler, Eugene's best friend since elementary school. I have no idea how that friendship came to fruition, given that he's a basket-case of one of the shortest tempers I have ever witnessed. Then there's Colin, some guy with at least seven years on Eugene who lives on the other side of the country and comes off to me as downright creepy. Eugene doesn't seem to pick up on that. I wouldn't dream of going to either one of them with Eugene and I's relationship issues. I doubt they'd tell me much if I did anyway. That leaves only your ear for me to bend. But only if you're willing. If not, I understand completely.

  • Arbiter: I'm happy to help you in any way I can Michelle, but not only am I unsure s to what it is exactly you expect to learn from me about Eugene, but I really don't feel that it's my place to --

MICHELLE: I'm not asking you to make any decisions for me. I wouldn't put that on you. I'd just very much appreciated it if you'd offer some of your perspective and thoughts on Eugene based on what you've observed so far, however lacking your observations may be so that I can make a decision that's better informed, if only slightly. Our relationship so far has been strictly online which is becoming more common than it probably should be in this web 2.0 world of ours, but I haven't met anybody else like him. I know very little about his personal life, he doesn't like to talk about himself, he's been very enjoyable to play with for the most part, he makes me laugh, but I can't shake the feeling that he alters his persona whenever he's around me.

  • Arbiter: Doesn't everybody alter their persona to some degree depending on who they're with at the time? It's just one of those things.

MICHELLE: Yes but to a reasonable extent. When I compare how he behaves around me to the quick, sometimes alarming glimpses I've caught of his interactions with his friends, it's almost as if he's two different people.

  • Arbiter: ... How so?

MICHELLE: I'm reluctant to go into any details I don't want to poison your perspective on him, but he's demonstrated that he has a capacity to be quite cruel.

  • Arbiter: Call me jaded, but I think everybody has the capacity to be cruel.

MICHELLE: Maybe. He's also been incredibly short with me lately. Condescends to me a lot, always stereotyping me as being terrible at video games because I'm a girl...

  • Arbiter: Has he told you about his sister?

MICHELLE: Yeah... It's so sad.

  • Arbiter: Based on what he's said to me about the situation, I believe it's taking a considerable toll on his mood. You must suspect the same, surely.

MICHELLE: I'm just not confident that his mood will ever improve I suppose

  • Arbiter: I'm sure it will. There's a chance things will get worse before they get better -- but they will get better eventually. It's what people do. They move on. You still like him, right?


  • Arbiter: Then my advice to you -- in spite of his inexcusable treatment of you -- is to give him some more time. Some space too, maybe -- for the benefit of both of you. I'd guess that he needs it. I haven't spent a lot of time with him, but I think he's a good guy. [beat] I don't mean to imply that your presence aggravates him, of course --

MICHELLE: I know it wasn't you implication, but it's probably true.

  • Arbiter: For the record, I don't think you're terrible at games. In fact, I happen to think you're a fantastic shot.

MICHELLE: The joke's on him now, anyway. I was recently accepted to a competitive cash-prize tournament.

  • Arbiter: A Halo tournament? Seriously? How much cash are we talking about here?

MICHELLE: One million dollars. [beat] Honestly, that wasn't my Dr. Evil impression or anything. I doubt I'll make it far, of course, but there's no harm in trying.

  • Arbiter: That there isn't. That's so cool. Good for you. I wish you the best of luck.

MICHELLE: I can't wait to rub it in his face. Thanks, Arbiter. For everything. Joining and listening to me whine, ramble... Not sure if that even made sense--

  • Arbiter: Of course it did. It's no problem. I'm glad I could be of assistance.

Scene 7: Brody and Kyle Edit

  • Kyle: Hey man. Never saw you at school today. You harsh missed out. We had a substitute with the magnificent rack from chemistry. Needless to say, there was one hell of a reaction in my pants throughout the entire class. Brody? Can you hear me?

BRODY: I hear you fine. I'm just not much in a talking mood.

  • Kyle: Did something happen?

BRODY: Somebody punched me yesterday.

  • Kyle: What the fuck? Seriously? You got in a fight? With whom?

BRODY: It was hardly a fight, the guy snuck up on me, pounded the side of my face, sent my head flying into the wall and then he just kept walking. I didn't even see his face. It was either Eugene or Tyler, I know that much. The guy wasn't dressed like either of them, so I can't exactly prove it, but I'm positive that it was one of the two.

  • Kyle: Because of what you said to Eugene when they joined our server before?

BRODY: Probably.

  • Kyle: You okay?

BRODY: My left eye is heart-of-Africa dark, I have a minor concussion, and one of my front teeth went through my upper lip. Split it open. Had to get stitches.

  • Kyle: Holy shit dude... that sucks!

BRODY: Wow, you're right. Come to think of it, it does.

Scene 8: Clan meeting Edit

[Arbiter and Master Chief shows up in Eugene's server while he and Tyler were waiting]

  • Arbiter: Eugene? Hey! Is it cool if we play with you guys for a little while?


Eugene approaches the Arbiter.

ARBITER: Everything okay?

EUGENE: What did you say?

[Eugene confronts Arbiter]

EUGENE: What the fuck did you say to Michelle?!

  • Chief: lollololol / UH OH SPAGETTI OH
  • Arbiter: What? Nothing!

[Tyler approaches Arbiter, Chief, and Eugene]

  • Arbiter: I mean -- she came to me asking for advice regarding your relationship, which she admitted was rocky, and asked me to share my perspective on you based on what I've observed so far.

EUGENE: And what observations have you made, doctor? What are all these things you know about me exactly? We've played online together twice, you know jack-shit about me faggot.

  • Arbiter: I know that, dude. I know that -- I know nothing. I know very little about you.
  • Chief: u know jack shit about him arbitur
  • Arbiter: But she sought my help specifically for whatever reason and I helped her to the best of my ability.

EUGENE: You haven't fucking helped anybody! Don't you have any idea what you've done?

  • Chief: does u has n e ideas wat uve done arbitur?

Arbiter turns to Chief.

  • Arbiter: Shut up! I never said anything detrimental!

Arbiter turns to Eugene.

  • Arbiter: Based solely on what you've told me about your ill sister, all I said to her was that you're in a very strenuous situation and that she should cut you some slack. That's it.

EUGENE: You fucking guys... You know what pisses me off the most? When a couple of guys like you are up to no good. Unacceptable. Certainly not in my neighborhood. That's when I step in. Start a little fight. Make your moms get scared. [chuckling] Then you'll have to live with your uncle and auntie in Bel-Air.

Eugene starts chuckling along with Tyler

Arbiter: ...Are you winding me up?

  • Chief: lollololol
  • Arbiter: Jesus Christ, man!

Eugene keeps laughing.

  • Arbiter: Don't do that! Fuck me...

EUGENE: I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. Listen, whatever the hell you said to Michelle, it worked like a charm.

  • Arbiter: Really?

EUGENE: Yeah. She told me she was on the verge of dumping me, but have reconsidered, thanks to your intervention. You're the mother-fucking man.

  • Arbiter: That's great. I'm happy to have helped.

EUGENE: This is my friend Tyler.

Chief turns to Tyler.

  • Chief: o hai tyler
  • Tyler: I know who you guys are. I've remember you from that wedding coverage way back when. I've seen some stupid shit in my life, but few things have amounted the stupidity of people getting married in a video game. You guys are my fucking heroes.
  • Chief: roflmao o yea
  • Tyler: Where're you guys from?
  • Arbiter: Canada. BC.
  • Chief: wow srsly?
  • Tyler [simultaneously]: Wow, seriously?

Arbiter turns to Chief.

  • Tyler: Dude, that's fucking awesome. You've gotta hook me up with some of that fine dank-ass BC bud one of these days, deal?

Chief turns to Tyler.

  • Chief: well be ur buds bro, no problims!1

EUGENE: Hey, there's something else I wanted to run pass you two.

[Eugene turns to Chief]

EUGENE: Tyler and I have this clan, and we were wondering whether or not you like to be a part of it.

  • Chief: omfg

Chief starts jumping.

  • Chief: yes plax
  • Arbiter: Would your clan's administrator be okay with our joining?

EUGENE: Fucking Canadians man, way too nice. I am the clan's administrator. Tyler's a co-moderator, along side Colin. I'll introduce you to him whatever the fuck he resurfaces, he's been awol for the past little while.

  • Arbiter: That's nice of you to offer, but we wouldn't be much of an asset to your clan -- if at all. My skills aren't what they used to be. Hell, you know that already. There's even less to be said for Chief's.
  • Chief: ur rite arbitur cuz my skills can be sumed ^ in just 1 singel wurds / "ossim possim"

EUGENE: Dude, we don't give a flying fuck about how skills our members are. We're all about having a good time and there's only one end for your requirement. Don't be a c**t.

Eugene turns to Chief.

EUGENE: You're not c**ts, are you?

  • Chief: I AM / axe arbiturs mom / u r what u eat rite? lollololollo

[Eugene chuckles]

EUGENE: So? What do you say?

  • Arbiter: Sure, why the hell not?

Chief then starts jumping in excitement while shooting his assault rifle in the air.

  • Chief: yyyyeeeeeeeyyyyyy

EUGENE: That's what I'm talking about.

  • Tyler: You guys just made a very wise decision.

[Chief continues jumping while shooting his assault rifle]

Scene 9: Confession Edit

[Arbiter is playing Jon's PSP Go]

Greg is seen approaching the Arbiter with the previously prepared notes.

  • Arbiter: Hey, Greg.

Greg hands out the notes to Arbiter.

  • Arbiter: What's this?

Arbiter takes Greg's notes and proceeds to read them while Greg watches on. Arbiter then turns the page of one to keep reading.

  • Arbiter: Oh my God...
  • Arbiter: Well Greg, this news is hard to swallow -- to say the least. ...If you'll pardon the pun. Did you draw this or did Chief? Looks like his style.

[Greg then scurries to see that the note that Arbiter is looking at is a picture of a crudily drawn spider with several penises jammed into his mouth, the note on it says: "I SUCK DICKS" on the top of it]

[Chief is then seen by the doorway]

  • Chief: sup bitches

[Greg turns to see Chief]

  • Arbiter: The dicks Greg sucks, according to him -- that's what's up.
  • Chief: no shit? / well, culdnt say that im :0 bro

[Greg continues to glare at Chief]

Scene 10: Bathroom Edit

Greg and Chief are now seen in the bathtub of Jon's bathroom.

  • Chief: WTF MAN? / i thot we had an under standings!!one / LOTS OF THOESE / i told u i has lerned lots and lots of lessins frum wat i has done and u said ud cover foar me and kept quiet!1 / not just foar my saekes butt foar arbiturs saekes, and foar fucks saekes t00 / lets not forgot about fuck nao
  • Greg: Our agreement is not win/win.
  • Chief: what r u talking about bitch
  • Greg: Arbiter resents me while you get away w/ murder.
  • Chief: well jesus -- so u wanted 2 told him huh?
  • Greg: Arbiter shouldn't be kept in the dark from the facts.
  • Chief: dumbass its "fax" wtf is a fact / butt n e ways how about we braek this shit down? / arbitur and me has b33n getting along r33sintly and we met these totaly ossim possim duedes online / arbiturs way moar :D than usual rite nao / u told him the truth and hes gona get super fucking pissed and either t00k his angers out on me or himself / and if he t00k them out on me, im sry but ima has no choises but 2 kicked his ass / and let me told u, id hurt him way the fuck moar than he culd ever hurted himself / beliee dat / /flex
  • Greg: You would not kick his ass.
  • Chief: beleive watever the hell u wanted, i dont give a shit / butt lets say, sp33king purely hippo pathetically h33r, that he did kicked my ass / u thinked hes gona b :D after that? / he isnt gona gots n e body
  • Greg: I would be there for him.
  • Chief: well wh00p d33 fucking d00, gregs gona be they're foar arbitur every body / u rly thinked that ur ugly ass alone is gona b enough 2 make him :D again after he hates my guts, knew cortana was c00ked alive and killed 2 death and that he was even kind of responsibble?
  • Greg: Stop using the plug mix-up to wriggle out of blame. The fault lies w/ you alone.
  • Chief: k so wat else w00d happen if u told him? / lets c
  • Greg: Arbiter would know the truth and not resent me. And you may pay a high but just price for your actions.
  • Chief: I TOLD U IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENTS / sh00d ppls always pay the prices for honist mistaekes?
  • Greg: That's how people learn not to make more.
  • Chief: well how about now we went over what w00d happen if u did the smart things and kept the truths 2 urself
  • Greg: Arbiter remains under belief that Cortana didn't consider him a friend. He continues to resent me.
  • Chief: k butt on the other hands arbitur beleives that cortana is still alieve and probably in a way beter places / having a whales of a tiem with some kid constintly sticking her up his ass or sumthing / lololloll
  • Greg: How can you laugh about this?
  • Chief: not only that butt arbitur w00d continue 2 b as :D as he is rite nao / a whiel frum nao he culd even d :DDDDDDDDDD { super happy face } / does u rly wanted 2 t00k that away from him just 2 made urself f33l beter? / ill told u what that is, greg / thats called being shell fish.

Scene 11: Phone call Edit

EUGENE: I didn't think any calls were allowed in your unit, you're on the landline? [beat] Oh, okay. Not that it even matters. There used to be reason for concern of cellphones interfering with medical equipment when they were emitting analog waves... We digital now. They keeping you comfortable over there at least? Do you get any ice cream? Decent TV? [beat] Any subscription channels? [beat] Cheap asses. [beat] You're not keeping me from anything. I'm always happy to hear from you. [beat] Alright, if you're sure... I'll be visiting soon. Keep on keepin' on. [beat] You too. Bye. [hangs up]

[he approaches Tyler]

  • Tyler: How's she doin'?

[Colin appears and approaches the two]

EUGENE: Where the fuck have you been?

  • Colin: You remember that project I've been working on, and I kept going on about? Just finished it.

EUGENE: Bullshit.

  • Tyler: Can you please tell me what makes this project so goddamn special already?
  • Colin: I can show you both, right now.

Scene 12: Version 2.0 Edit

[a walk basides a waterfall]

  • Colin: Alright, refrain from firing on whichever player we encounter first. Just take note of his gamertag, bring up the match roster on your displays and observe his listing. Keep an eye on the game notifications in the corner too.

[Jeremy {from scene 1} approaches the clan slowly]

JEREMY: Look, I've learned the hard way that not everybody is on here to socialize, but I'm getting desperate. I only just started playing earlier today and after being told by absolutely everybody I've met to get banned, I'd be overjoyed to add just one person to my list, who I can a frien-- [Colin shoots him; Jeremy drops]

  • Tyler: Holy shit. Holy fucking shit, dude, he's gone! You actually dropped his ass from the server!
  • Colin: Gentlemen, I present to you: Fragban, version 2.0.

EUGENE: *Chuckles* Colin, you magnificent bastard. You've pulled it off, haven't you. I was skeptical, I didn't think this stood a chance of working since the last patch neutralized the first iteration, but you really managed to pull it off.

  • Colin: It grants me a couple other perks as well, including allowing me to spawn with an Overshield with no auto-degeneration, and overriding any server's default equipment setting, so I can start with whichever weapons I choose. It also permits me to access any server regardless of whether it's closed or if I've been banned from it.
  • Tyler: Oh, how?
  • Colin: I just need to enter the appropriate hex values into a small document file which is kept in the same folder as the software patch. Which is an of obscure file type I doubt you'll recognize. All you need to do is throw the folder into a USB drive, plug the drive into your console, sign in to the network, and you should be good to go.

EUGENE: So -- OK, hang on for a second -- what's stopping that kid from reporting you to network support?

  • Colin: Technically speaking, I'm a ghost on whichever server I join where Fragban is active. Not only is my gamertag invisible, but my presence altogether. Check the roster, I'm not listed.

EUGENE: He's right, I didn't notice -- fuck me...

  • Colin: I'm also omitted from any at all onscreen match notifications. Such as joining or leaving a server or fragging a player.
  • Tyler: That's so fucking dope, dude. But presumably all this guy that you banned has to do is create another gold account to sign back on the network, right?
  • Colin: He's been given a permanent and irreversible console-level ban. He'll need to do that as well as fork over a couple hundred dollars for a new system.
  • Tyler: Haw haw haw, oh god, this is so amazing. This shit is like fucking kryptonite, or something.
  • Colin: I should warn you two that there's no friendly fire prevention system built into the patch. If we're gotta be using it, we need to be careful not to fire on one another.

EUGENE: Noted, but I don't consider there to be any if regarding the possibility, do you, gentlemen?

  • Tyler: Hell to the no! In fact, I say that the three of us patch ourselves up with this right now and go apeshit all night. All in favor?
  • Colin: Usage of the patch is theoretically untraceable, but I highly recommend that we indulge ourselves slowly to begin with and take a little time to verify that nobody sniffs us out through some overlooked detail.

EUGENE: I second that notion. [sic] Let's play this safe.

  • Tyler: Ughhhh, goddamnit, fine.

EUGENE: Chin up, buddy. Many fun times await us... We've just gotta be smart about this in order to keep them coming, yeah? So, how do we get our mits on this little gem?

  • Colin: I'll upload that folder temporarily to my secure FTP server, and I'll text you two the address, username and password.
  • Tyler: Oh, son of a bitch. I just remember that my computer's on the fritz. Piece of shit won't even boot up. Can you send it to me through here?

EUGENE: Chill. I'll download it, throw onto a drive and give it to you at school when I see you next.

  • Tyler: Oh man, I can't wait that long...

EUGENE: You have my eternal gratitude, Colin. You've brought about a glorious new network-wide era of tyranny and placed the three of us at the helm. I apologise for my lack of faith in your ability.

  • Tyler: Respect.

Credits roll. The end.