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TranscriptEdit

Scene 1: Chief's NightmareEdit

Chief is seen late at night playing Halo:Reach.

  • Chief: IMY FLY STR8 2 UR HOUSE, HUNG U UPSIED DOWNS AND // (double slash) UR FUCKING THROAT, THEN DROWNED UR FAIMLY IN UR BLOODS B4 I GARGEL AND DRANK IT / U THINK IM BUFFERING, BITCH? GAVE ME UR ADDRESS AND WATCHED WAT FUCKING HAPPENS
  • XBL Player: [sarcastically] You're right. I was totally out of line. You saw the Spartan Laser first and I shouldn't have taken it.

Chiefs controller is heard disconnecting.

  • Chief: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT

Chief frantically presses the "A" button.He plugs in the controller.

  • Chief: GODDAMMIT / wth man / >:( (angry face)/ this is absol00t horseshit / th33se |34773|2135 (batteries) r P H phucking fresh / goddamn piece of shit controller

Chief looks up and sees a sudden apparition of Cortanas face on the screen staring back at him.

Scene 2: Jon's apartmentEdit

Chief jerks up awake from his dream, terrified.

  • Chief: AAAAHH / OMGWTFBBQ :(((((((((((((((((! [ super sad face]

Chief sees Arbiter sitting in the window, smoking.

  • Arbiter: I wonder what you've imagined in your unspeakable night terrors that has you shitting the bed this time. Banned from Redtube, perhaps? Faulty ethernet cables? No Halo Seventeen announcement?
  • Chief: IF THATS SRSLY A CIGARETTES THAT UR SMOKING, THEN HAO THE HELL R U STILL ALIEV? Y HASNT I KILLED UR ASS YET?
  • Arbiter: That's a good question -- to which I already know the answer. A much better one would be why I've yet to snuff you -- don't you think?

Chief climbs into the window.

  • Chief: BECAUSE UR A BITCH AND ID B33T U EVEN HARDER THAN I B33T MAI DICK / AS A MATTRESS OF FAX, THATS EXACTLY WATS GONNA HAPPENED RITE THIS MINUTES IF U DOESNT GAVE ME TEH REST OF THAT SMOAK / HOW COME UR SMOKING ALL OF A SUDDENLY ANYWAYS, HIPPOPOTACRITE? / I THOT SMOKING WAS FUCKING RETARTED
  • Arbiter: ...Fuck it.
  • Chief: [beat] UR ONLY SMOKING CUZ U THOT THAT IT MAKES U L00K C00L AND SHIT CUZ UR A FUCKING LOSER / I ACKSHULLY N33D3D IT

Chief tries to wrestle the cigarette from Arbiter.

  • Chief: LIEK SRSLY ACKSHULLY / IM ACKSHULLY LIEK STRESSED OUT AND SHIT
  • Arbiter: You think I'm not stressed, motherfucker? Honestly? After everything that's happened? After everything that you've done?
  • Chief: THATS RITE ASS BUTT, BLAMED EVERY SINGLE THINGS ON ME AS USUAL / MINE
  • Arbiter: Bugger off! You've had plenty.

Arbiter shakes Chief off.

  • Chief: GODDAMMIT / FINE / STUFF UR CIGARETTES ^ (up) UR 8=D (dick) HOLE, C IF I GAVE A SHIT / I DOESNT N33D3D A CIGARETTES, SMOKING IS 4 LITTLE PU$$Y A$$ BITCHES WHO COULDNNT DEALT WITH THEY'RE PROBLEMS

Chief leaves the window.

  • Chief: IMA PLAY SUM HALO / THE REAL MENS PASTIME
  • Arbiter: I'll join you.
  • Chief: BITCH PLS /TALK 2 TEH HANDS ARBITUR/ TALK 2 TEH HANDS / BETTAR YET FUCK A DUCK / FUCK /ALL TEH DUCKS / LET ME TOLD U SOMETHING ARBITUR / IMA TOLD U SOMETHING K? / K H33R IT IS -- U LISSENING? / UR NOT EVAR ALLOWED EVAR TO EVAR PLAYED WITH ME EVAR AGAIN
  • Arbiter: Ever?
  • Chief: EVAR!!1one+shift!1eleven!11/ U SUNKED OUR FRIEND SHIPS / /ALL OF TEH SHIPS / U AND ME? / WERE DONE / OVAR / FINNISH.
  • Arbiter: I don't think we were manufactured in Finland, but I'd have to double check my label.

Chief begins to walk away from the still smoking Arbiter, clearly fed up with him.

  • Chief: SHUT UP.
  • Arbiter: I've reconsidered.

Chief stops walking after hearing Arbiter, turning around and looking towards the window, interest slightly piqued by Arbiter's words.

  • Chief: wat
  • Arbiter: Fragban. I'm game.
  • Chief: just told me 1 single things, arbitur. / r u >:| (serious face)?
  • Arbiter: Yeah. Whatever.

Chief runs back to the window, arms raised in delight at his friends decision.

  • Chief: AW SHIT BOY/ :DDDDDDDD [Super happy face] / NAO THATS WAT IM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT, BUDDY / BRO / BROSEPH / BROS FOAR LYPHE / M I RITE? / I KNEW UD S33N THE BLIGHT AND RECONSIDERED

Arbiter turns to see Chief raising his fist.

  • Chief: WARNING -- BRO FIST LEVELS CURRENTLY @ FIDDY PERCENTS / THOU MUST COMPLETETH THE BRO FIST / POUNDETH IT AS I POUND UR MOMMAS A$$ / LOL

Arbiter pounds fists with Chief.

  • Chief: MAXIMUM BRO FIST / can i axe u just won single quest chins, tho? / Y THE SUDDEN HEART TRANSPLANT?
  • Arbiter: Like I said...

Arbiter puts out his cigarette in a nearby shot glass.

  • Arbiter: ...Fuck it.

Chief grabs the cigarette butt and desperately tries to light it.

  • Arbiter: For Christs sake there's nothing left. It's dead.

On the word "dead", Cortana is seen behind Arbiter. Chief lowers the cigarette and trembles.

Scene 3: ZealotEdit

Eugene and Colin are seen on top of the map in space.

  • Colin: I fucking told you. I've been saying this since the beginning! I should of never let you convince me to involve him. The guy's a mess. Goddamnit what the hell was I thinking?
  • Eugene: You're right, he's a mess. We all are, and he also happens to been my best friend since we were kids. Tyler has issues but a lack of loyalty isn't one of them. I told him not to go renegade and he won't.
  • Colin: [beat] The line is drawn at Tyler. Understand? I don't care if there are any other buddies of yours who want in or have smarts and loyalty drippin' out of their asses. Nobody else will be included in our operation. Otherwise we're gonna have a serious fuckin' problem.

Chief comes up the gravity lift spraying bullets.

  • Chief: :DDDDDDDD / eugene? wer u @ mai homie? hoem boy? home sliece?
  • Arbiter: Chief shut up!

Chief lands in front of them.

  • Chief: dued, guessed wut arbitur sez

Arbiter walks up.

  • Chief: he sed he changed his mind abot using teh fragbans / can we has it plax?
  • Arbiter: I apologize for Chiefs exceding enthusiasim. But it's true that , since our previous discussion, I've reconsidered my position regarding the use of your software patch.

Colin looks at Eugene angrily.

  • Eugene: [clears throat] Colin, I'd like you to meet some new friends of mine. The player with the Elite character model refers to himself as " The Arbiter". And the spartan, as you can imagine, "Master Chief".
  • Chief: o / y hi ther
  • Arbiter: Pleasure to make your aquaintance, Colin.
  • Chief: fragbans motharfuckerz / can we haz it ?

Colin walks up and aims his magnum at Chiefs face.

  • Eugene: Colin, wait!
  • Arbiter: Whoa, nellie!
  • Chief:":( [ sad face] / uh o spaggeti ohs!
  • Arbiter: I assume he has the software running on his system?
  • Colin: No shit. This better be one of your hilariously elaborate attempts at trolling, Eugene. Because I couldn't possibly be farther from amused right now.
  • Eugene: Put your gun down, man.
  • Colin: Who the hell are these clowns? Why are they using speech engines at all? Let alone ones that haven't been compatible with Windows since Vista. Why would you befriend them? and far more importantly, how in the flying fuck did they become informed about my patch!? Did you tell them? Why did you give them our real names? Geez, I can't believe this!
  • Eugene: Just relax, dude. They're cool.
  • Colin: Based on what ,"dude"? Based on first impressions I'm having a difficult time reaching the same opinion. So either you help me out with that real fast or I bury both of these pricks.
  • Chief: no / :(((((((((((((( / no no no no no / plz dont banned meh colin / plzzzzzzzz
  • Colin: Shut the fuck up!
  • Arbiter: If I may interject, Colin, let me assure you that you have absolutely nothing to worry about-
  • Colin: I'm going to assume you're using those synthesizers to annoy people. In which case congratulations, because they're pissing me off. Either of you speaking at this moment only serves drastically reducing your chances of leaving this server without having your consoles bricked. So how about you do everybody including yourselves a favor and keep your glory holes shut.
  • Chief: k / shutting teh fuck up commencing nao / k? k / starting nao i wont say anything alrite? i promise on arbiturs moms sw33t a$$ taht i wont say 1 single things / rite nao, k? alrite im shutting up nao, k? ok?-
  • Arbiter: Chief!
  • Chief: fien i wont talk n e moar / k? / im srs / srs /[ beat] >:I
  • Eugene: You likely wouldn't have found the initial version of fragban if it weren't for these two.They brought it to the medias attention. You remember that retarded video game wedding? That fruity Chaos Theosis clan?
  • Colin: Yes.
  • Eugene: These guys took both of them down.
  • Chief: yes / ur goddamn rite
  • Colin: So with our clan's primary objectives including the maitinence of a low profile as possible, you saw fit to recuit two distinct players infamous following the use of the same patch that we're trying to keep completely under wraps? Has Tyler perhaps shared with you some of his whacky tabacky?
  • Chief: wats taht? can i has?
  • Colin: Were you either going to tell me?
  • Eugene: Yes, look, I've been playing with these guys for a little while now. Arbiter and I think alike. He has nothing to gain from ratting us out and Master Chief is so jazzed about using the hacks I doubt he'll feel the need to put a stop to it all of a sudden.
  • Chief: NO WAI
  • Eugene: He's isn't as stupid as he sounds, no one is. He's clearly aware of the fact but he refuses to break character. I consider him a shining example of a troll. The kind that our clan desperatly needs right now.
  • Chief: >:D [ miscievious face]
  • Colin: And what makes you believe that either of these two won't feel the need to figure us in the event that one amongst us is caught?
  • Chief:"hey / thers only 1 persin in teh world taht i feel the n33d to fingure and tahts arbiturs mom, k?
  • Eugene: That's not gonna happen, is it? The bans we've administered so far have caused a stir on a few forums but no one has a clue how or by whom they administered or why. We're safe.

There's a long pause. Colin shoots Chief until his shields are down.

  • Arbiter: What!?
  • Chief: OH NOES!
  • Eugene: Hey! You owe me!

Chief shields recharge an Colin lowers his gun.

  • Arbiter: I meant what I said to you.
  • Colin: Nobody else. Don't test me.

Colin starts walking away.

  • Eugene: Thanks.
  • Colin: Fuck you.

Arbiter watches Colin leave.

  • Eugene: He'll adjust. I don't want to imply that you're indecisive, but this is your last chance to turn back.
  • Arbiter: I have nothing to turn back to.
  • Chief: [beat] lol

Credits roll. The end.