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← "Cold" "Wedding" "Professional" →

Scene 1: Grifball ArenaEdit

The Arbiter and Chief are playing Grifball with one of Arbiter's friends. The Arbiter stops for a moment.

  • Arbiter: Can we play something else?

Arbiter's friend also stops.

  • Arbiter's Friend: What's the matter? You don't like Grifball?
  • Arbiter: No. It sucks balls.
  • Arbiter's Friend: You find it boring or something?
  • Arbiter: "Boring"? I'm about to slip into a fucking coma.
  • Arbiter's Friend: Well what about your friend over there, does he like it?
  • Arbiter: Chief? You into this?

Arbiter turns around and sees Chief's Spartan avatar slouched down. Arbiter turns around in real life, and sees that Chief has fallen asleep next to him.

  • Chief: ZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Arbiter turns and faces his friend in the game.

  • Arbiter: Yeah, he's about as enthralled as I am.
  • Arbiter's Friend: Oh, sorry. We'll play some slayer in a little bit.
  • Arbiter: Don't worry, it's cool. Grifball just isn't for us.

Arbiter's friend changes his hammer into an assult rifle. Master Chief then wakes up and starts looking around.

  • Chief: R WE DON PLAEIGN TIHS GHEY FUCKIGN GAEM YET

As Chief wakes up, two Spartan players, one blue and one pink, come running in to join the conversation with Arbiter, his friend, and Chief. The blue Spartan is panting loudly.

  • Gregory: Woo! What a game that was!
  • Sarah: Like oh my god, I know right?!
  • Arbiter's Friend: Oh, hey Arbiter, I'd love you to meet a couple of friends of mine. These are my friends Gregory and Sarah.
  • Gregory: Isn't Grifball great?!
  • Arbiter: ...Why are you all out of breath? It's a VIDEO GAME you tool.
  • Gregory: Yeah, nothing like Grifball to get the old heart racing, I always say!
  • Sarah: Like oh my god, like totally right?!
  • Chief: wtf? fags
  • Arbiter's Friend: Hmm, well if you didn't enjoy Grifball then maybe you'll enjoy... I dunno, what are you doing this Saturday?
  • Chief: UR MOM
  • Arbiter: I dunno, why?
  • Arbiter's Friend: Well, see, my two friends are here are having a Halo 3 wedding this Saturday, and we're looking for people to attend.
  • Arbiter: ...A "Halo 3" wedding?
  • Arbiter's Friend: Yeah. You know, they're both avid gamers, they met on Halo 3, and thought it'd be fit for them to have their wedding in the game itself.
  • Sarah: *giggles afemiantly* Totally! Yeah my husband to be is like totally in love with me!
  • Gregory: Hehe, guilty as charged I'm afraid. Hehe.
  • Chief: WHAT A DOUCHE
  • Sarah: Like oh my god, he proposed to me during matchmaking, he crouched and held up an empty energy sword to me as a wedding ring. Like oh my god, it was like SO adorable!
  • Arbiter: That's...
  • Chief: FUCKIGN GAEY?/
  • Arbiter: ...pretty cool.
  • Arbiter's Friend: Well if you'd like to come, you're more than welcome.

Arbiter turns and faces Chief in game and in real life, unplugging the headset from the controller in anticipation for Chief's reply.

  • Arbiter: What do you think, Chief? Is this something you'd like to do?
  • Chief: IM NOT GOIGN 2 THER FAGY FUKCIGN WEDING

Arbiter turns and faces his friend and the gamers, re-plugging in the headset now that he has Chief's answer.

  • Arbiter: He'd love to.
  • Chief: HAY
  • Arbiter: BOTH of us would be delighted.
  • Arbiter's Friend: Great! We'll see you this Saturday then!
  • Sarah: Like oh my god, Like, thank you so much for coming!
  • Gregory: Thank you guys, we are really looking forward to seeing you guys there! Okay?
  • Arbiter: No problem, thank YOU!

Arbiter turns and leaves.

  • Arbiter: Easy on the Grifball, Greg. Wouldn't wanna PULL A MUSCLE or anything.
  • Gregory: What?

Scene 2: Jon's Living RoomEdit

Chief angrily throws his controller down and gets up, flailing around at Arbiter. Arbiter also gets up.

  • Chief: WTF WAZ THAT
  • Arbiter: Look, what was I supposed to say?
  • Chief: STFU ADN GTFO
  • Arbiter: I'm NOT gonna say that to them. They're nice people!
  • Chief: wel im not goign, hav fun fgt
  • Arbiter: Chief, wait.

Chief starts walking away, but is stopped by the Arbiter placing his hand on his shoulder.

  • Arbiter: Don't make me go to this thing alone. It'll be awkward as shit. I'm begging you! Please?

Chief turns and faces Arbiter.

  • Chief: 20 BUCKS
  • Arbiter: Fifteen.
  • Chief: TEN
  • Arbiter: Done.
  • Chief: OSSIM

Scene 3: Foundry (The Wedding)Edit

Arbiter and Chief are now seen walking into a make-shift alter that was created in the Foundry map. Arbiter is looking around the place.

  • Arbiter: Wow...

Arbiter turns to Chief.

  • Arbiter: Remember! Best behaviour.

Chief looks back at him.

  • Chief: FUCK YOU
  • Arbiter's Friend: Hey! You guys made it, I'm so thrilled! Come on in, it's gonna start pretty soon.
  • Chief: THANKS HOMO
  • Arbiter's Friend: What?
  • Arbiter: Nothing. Thank you. Let's go, Chief.

Arbiter and Chief are greeted by Arbiter's Friend. After the short exchange, Arbiter, Chief, and Arbiter's Friend enter the alter. Arbiter and Chief are now standing behind some ramps that are disguised as seats. In real-life, Cortana is seen watching as Arbiter and Chief are playing.

  • Chief: this is so fuckign retartid
  • Cortana: I think it's very sweet.
  • Chief: U WUD

On the other side of Arbiter and Chief is a Red Spartan. He glances over and sees Arbiter and Chief standing up while he is crouching.

  • Wedding Attendee: Hey... Hey!

Arbiter and Chief look over at the Red Spartan.

  • Wedding Attendee: This is a sacred ceremony! You have to crouch.
  • Arbiter: ...What?
  • Wedding Attendee: Crouch, right now, what's wrong with you?
  • Chief: MIND UR OWN FUCKIGN BISNIS ASSHOEL

Arbiter reluctantly steps back and crouches. Master Chief looks back at Arbiter crouching and gives up, joining Arbiter in crouching.

  • Chief: fuck w/e
  • Wedding Attendee: Some people, unbelievable...
  • Arbiter: I have to agree with you to an extent, Chief. I'm all for people meeting on online social networks... but I think all this is KIND OF pushing it.
  • Wedding Attendee: SHH!
  • Chief: NO U

Down the runway leading to the alter, Arbiter's Friend and Gregory reach the altar, they then turn to face the audience.

  • Chief: heer we go, GHEY AL3RT
  • Arbiter: Shush.
  • Arbiter's Friend: *clears throat* The bride will now approach the alter. Silence please, for I will now play the appropriate music... Through my headset.
  • Arbiter: Oh you've GOT to be kidding me.
  • Arbiter's Friend: Alright just give me a second...

Arbiter's Friend is heard taking off his headset and talking in the background. His Spartan lowers its head to indicate he's stepped away from the controller. Everyone is looking at him.

  • Arbiter's Friend: Yo, Steve... STEVE!
  • Steve: What?
  • Arbiter's Friend: Press play!
  • Steve: What?
  • Arbiter's Friend: Press play on the stereo.
  • Steve: Where?
  • Arbiter's Friend: Beside you... Nonono press play... PLAY!! *music plays* Okay thanks.
  • Steve: I'll fucking deck you.
  • Arbiter's Friend: Well, you were ignoring me.

Arbiter's friend is now heard putting his headset back on. His Spartan raises its head again as he returns to the game.

  • Arbiter's Friend: All rise for the bride!

Everyone in the audience stands up.

  • Chief: C WE AL HAV 2 FUCKING GET UP N E WAE DOUSHBAG
  • Wedding Attendee: SHH!

Sarah is now seen slowing walking across the runway.

  • Arbiter: This is ridiculous.
  • Chief: NICE ASS BABY
  • Wedding Attendee: SSHHH!!
  • Chief: STFU

Gregory watches as Sarah joins him and Arbiter's Friend at the altar.

  • Arbiter's Friend: We are gathered here today in the sight of the guardians, to unite these two players in Halo matrimony.

As everyone else is watching, Chief glances over and sees several fusion coils lined up against the walls inside the ceremony. He begins to think up a nasty idea.

  • Arbiter's Friend: If anyone has any objections to the uniting of HotBitch69 and I<3ToJizz420, speak now or forever be AFK.
  • Chief: I OBJEKT

Arbiter's Friend, Gregory, and Sarah turn and face Chief, who has drawn his sniper rifle.

  • Chief: I\/I0TI-I3R FI_ICI<3R

Chief then turns and snipes the Red Spartan in the head, killing him with a headshot. Chief then pulls out his Spartan Laser and charges it up while pointing it at the fusion coils to set off a chain reaction.

  • Chief: IMA CHARGIN MAH LAZAAAAH
  • Gregory: What the fu-
  • Chief: SH00P DA W000000000000P

Chief then fires his Spartan Laser at the fusion coils, causing a gigantic explosion inside the church. Everyone is screaming loudly and at a painful high-pitch as they are all sent flying in different directions. Arbiter's Friend is sent flying into a wall inside the church. Sarah is sent flying out of the mass and into a doorway outside the mass, banging her head against a wall to shut up her screaming, and Gregory is sent flying and tumbles on the ground when he lands. Inside the smoking ceremony, Master Chief is seen crouching repeatedly and swapping weapons before he gets up and runs out. Arbiter joins and follows after him.

  • Chief: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
  • Arbiter: Chief, what the FUCK--
  • Chief: LETS GTFO
  • Sarah: *sobbing hysterically* THEY RUINED MY WEDDING!! OH MY GOD!! *sobbing*
  • Chief: HAV A NICE FUCKING WEDDING LOSERS / AAHHAHAHAHHAHHAAHHA

As Chief is shouting this, he and Arbiter are seen running away from the map.

Scene 4: Jon's Living RoomEdit

On the real world, Arbiter and Chief witness what has just happened.

  • Arbiter: What the hell was that?!
  • Chief: ONE KICKASS WEDDING

Arbiter and Chief turn to face one another.

  • Arbiter: I can't believe you.
  • Chief: THAT WAZ SUM FUNNY ASS SHIT

[beat]

  • Arbiter: You know, that actually WAS kinda funny.

[beat]

  • Arbiter: ...You wanna do it again?
  • Chief: DAYUM RITE SOOON

Arbiter and Chief high-five. Credits roll. The end.